There is a classic misconception among many that it is easy to write your average bad Bodie and Doyle story. On the contrary, to be truly awful is a task of such difficulty that only the truly talented can ever hope to attain the level of dreadfulness required.

There was a time when just anyone could sit down and turn out moderately readable Professionals stories. A couple of car chases, the odd massacre or two, and one was set for at least thirty or forty pages. To be what can only be described as awesome is not easy. These days it requires a depth of ingenuity usually found only in the coroners' reports of certain big city hospitals.

For example, it is no longer enough to simply have the customary two car chases, three close calls with the bomb squad (an excellent opportunity to employ a small number of extras over a large range of parts) and a casually choreographed gun-battle-over-the-roof- tops-with-some-shooting-at-a-fellow-who-will-die-horribly-and-then- turn-up-in-the-next-episode-as-agent 6.2. Ah, 6.2 -- what would we have done without him, eh???

Nowadays, food aside and the question of civil rights having been dealt with in previous paragraphs, it is necessary to be truly inventive, which truly is difficult.

I am sure there are those of you who still hold to the old-fashioned idea that a plot is necessary to advance your story. Pish, pish, pish. To the contrary, the very BEST of the bad Bodie and Doyle stories have little or no plot at all -- or, alternatively, have so many holes in what little plot there is, that a large L-1011 jumbo jet could be driven through them with room to spare.

One should of course, stay well away from writers under the age of twenty, for these poor misguided individuals can only write those stories which I can most delicately refer to as containing plot, characterization, and a definite sense of knowing where they want to go. Any fool knows that the only place a truly bad Bodie and Doyle story should go is to bed, and in as many positions as possible. And a few that are impossible.

Go ahead -- - let your imagination (what little of it there is) run riot, or at least through the jam and jelly section of your local market. I would be remiss in my duty if I left you with the impression that sex should rear its ugly head to excess in such stories however. Try to keep it to one five-to-twenty page scene (diagrams optional) every three or four pages.

For these long inbetween tender love scene sections, you can easily throw in a little esoteric discussion as to life, the universe and whether Doyle will still respect Bodie in the morning if he lets him use KY in odd places tonight. This should not be confused with plot, which, as has been stated, belongs in your explanation to the tax auditor, not in your story.

PHRASES

There are certain obligatory statements which I strongly suggest be used in your bad Bodie and Doyle story. I refer to those classic phrases without whom no such story is complete, i.e., "I'm hot," "Being a king is hard work," "I want a commitment from this relationship," and the ever popular, "Hell no, I wanna ... dance/eat/sleep/do my taxes."

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Of course along the way you will want Bodie and/or Doyle to endear themselves to each other, the pet gerbil, cat, guppy, or angelfish. (Leave the sheepskin rug out of it in the angelfish case.) The following terms are suggested since they convey the proper atmosphere of love and respect. (However, respect is optional.) I.e., any form of animal, fish or fowl as in: "Avast ye Doyle, yer some angelfish when the KY coats yer shimmering gills?"; "Oh Bodie, my precious panda bear, you look ravishing when the moonlight illuminates the space between your beady little eyes?"; or simply, "I like your ass."

Now, I am sure there are those of you who favor vegetables. To you I suggest the following may be substituted for the aforementioned animals. You can get quite an effect from using such simple terms as: "Oh Doyle, your zucchini makes the Eiffel tower seem like Charing Cross tube station"; "Oh Bodie, you precious little kumquat/leek/corn on the cob, I find you irresistible when smothered in pure butter"; and my all-time favorite, "I can't tell you how it makes me feel when your salad oil falls off my olives that way?". (Note: vegetables work best in connection with Doyle only.) Season to taste.

ACCOUTREMENTS

Now, fashion is a very important part of any story. If your characters aren't dressed correctly they cannot undress correctly or leastwise with ease. For example, do not put Doyle into tight velvet cords with laced closing, and then expect Bodie to be able to unzip them. After all, this causes your reader to have to stop and think, which isn't the purpose of writing your story in the first place.

Clothes which have been used successfully in the past include: A Bora-Bora t-shirt and iridescently coloured bikini underpants; velvet cords; anything red and/or green, excluding sneakers, socks, or the aforementioned underpants; gold lame balaclavas; black polyester socks and shoes, trousers optional; leather everything -- - pick a colour, any colour; and of course this is the perfect place to put in sheepskin -- jacket, bedspread, rug, towels, shower curtains, refrigerator, or the classic sheepskin airing cupboard.

Keep in mind your locale. And the weather. It is not advisable, for instance, to put Doyle in the Bora-Bora t-shirt and bikini underpants in the middle of Whitehall on a Friday afternoon. He is, after all, an undercover agent. In this instance, I suggest the casually draped, overlarge ratty raincoat be added to provide the necessary insouciance.

It is, regrettably, a widely accepted fact that Bodie finds taffeta chafing and Doyle intensely dislikes Bodie's baby harp seal coat and matching seal-head belt buckle. Therefore, put them in these stories as often as possible.

CHARACTERIZATION

You should have as little of this wasteful nonsense as possible. I will mention a few points however. Always remember that Bodie is arrogant and shallow, yet incredibly weak. His redeeming qualities are stamina, jealousy, and the inability to let little old ladies cross the road without running them down. He will also occasionally kick small animals into vats of laboratory acid and tell them dwarf jokes. Doyle, on the other hand, is capable of an incredible range of emotion, sometimes showing as many as one at a time. Principal among these is guilt, closely followed by avarice towards aardvarks, and a tendency toward telling people he is taller than he actually is. Neither agent has a temper, money, or anything in their refrigerators other than beer. Handwipes and musk soap in their showers are optional, but should be used as sparingly as possible, as should water itself.

ALLITERATION: See Figures of Speech.

FIGURES OF SPEECH

Overdescription is a must. Your readers are stupid and need to have the entire picture pounded into their brains, and obviously have no imaginations whatsoever, especially if they are American and therefore uncivilized barbarian colonials who smell of elderberry water. At least six adjectives are required in front of every noun. And at LEAST TWO after EVERY verb. Do not worry about adverbs and dangling participles as you probably have no idea what they are anyway. Use alliteration whenever possible, after all Bodie does. Example: "Doyle moaned softly as the sun seemingly sank into a shimmering shining sea?" Obviously this has little or nothing to do with Doyle moaning, but it does get you through to the next paragraph. Bodie always leaps lightly, and definitely dead salmon are the only way to go. (Sidenote: Cowley has a cranky/craggy/cruddy/cold/confusing personality/demeanor/face/accent.) (Also, always use "plummy" when describing Cowley's accent as it can never be overused enough.)

TITLES

Last but not least, we talk of titillating titles. Buy a Moody Blues album immediately. Peruse it minutely. Titles will drop from the mellow voices of Justin Heyward and John Lodge like pearls from the lips of swine.

You must be careful to make them so obscure and esoteric that your story -- not just Bodie and Doyle -- will have to be folded back upon itself and run through several large vats of Crisco in order for the title to fit. If the Moody Blues have eaten a bad pizza and are in the hospital and unable to serve you in your hour of need John Denver, Dan Fogelburg, Judas Priest and Journey will never be available either. However, I am not sure about AC/DC, and Boy George is ready anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

If you do not choose to use a musical poem, study the entire works of Keats, Shakespeare and Tiny Tim. If this is of no help, I suggest turning to the "D" section of the Greater London phonebook, or steal something from the private files of any acquaintance foolish, enough to know you. Here I provide some examples of titles which have served me well (although not without protest) in the past: "Consequences Or Confessions"; "Remember Bolton"; "They Do TOO All Wear Tacky Green On Thursdays, So THERE!"; and lastly, "Sweet Surrender On The 9:30 Flight To Birkenhead."

HOW TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WROTE THIS STORY

Give credit where credit is due -- anywhere but yourself. Tell only your three closest friends, one of whom sells her body to science and the entire 2nd Paratroop Battalion every other Wednesday and thrice weekly during Holy Week. A signed, numbered copy to Lewis Collins is also helpful in maintaining anonymity; however, hiring Mr. T as your bodyguard is a suggested precaution in this one. There is also the ever popular choice of stealing Martin Shaw's Bach Flower Essence Cookbook and replacing it with your (signed copies only) story. Close friends always appreciate it if you've signed their names instead of yours. Martin will, too! (Mr. T needs the work.)

Well, there you have it -- everything you need to know in order to insure that you will write a truly, definitely, bad Bodie and Doyle story. And therein lies your avocation -- ruining the hearts and minds of thousands of children while scattering copies of your works over Birmingham bomb sites. Cheerio, and be sure to always pip yourself abroad with a smile!!!!!!!!

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