Setting: the bedroom. Doyle and Bodie in bed. It's half dark, we can barely see them. But the soft noises and the rustling of the sheets are unmistakable.

D- I told you, I'm fine!

B- You sure?

D- Yeah, yeah, I'm bloody well sure. Especially if you'll stop handling me like a delicate flower, which you fucking well know I'm not! Bodie, I said stop it!

Bodie pouts.

B- I just want to make sure!

D- Ah ah! I knew it. You've been set up again, haven't you?

B- What do you mean?

D- Don't push your luck, Bodie!

B- C'mon, Doyle, you know I care. You, on the other hand....

D- I...what? Go on, say it, mate. I what?

B- Didn't know you cared....

D- Old line, think of something better. What did they promise you, then?

B- Who?

D- What, Bodie?

B- Listen, mate, you see why I have to check you out. You don't sound like you're really fine....

D- I'm perfectly bloody fine, Bodie! I'm alive and kicking, can't you see?

A loud thud is heard. There's sudden movement under the sheets.

B- I can certainly feel your kicks, mate. Why did you go and do that for, eh?

D- Just to che....

B- Hey! I don't need checking. I'm fine. I'm not the one always getting kicked, tied up, raped, beaten and shoot at, am I?

D- You get your fair share, mate!

B- So, you were asked to check on me condition, too, were you, hey?

D- Shut up, Bodie!

B- C'mon, Ray, admit it! You want to be sure I'm alive, too.

D- Of course you're alive, you dumb fool, you're talking, aren't you?

B- Doesn't mean a thing, mate. I could be a ghost, couldn't I? Have been, in fact, more than once. A ghost, a memory in an Alternative Universe, a....

Bodie starts counting on his fingers.

D- Told you, don't push your luck, Bodie.

B- ....

D- Bodie?

B- ....

D- Bodie? You are alive, aren't you? Bodie!

In the half-darkness, Doyle reaches out and grabs Bodie's shoulder, shaking him.

B- Don't get so shirty about it, mate.

D- Oh, you...! So, what did they promise you, after all, eh?

B- What are you talking about?

D- Who set you up to check I was alive after the end of the story?

B- Oh, that question....

D- Bodie... you won't be alive for long if you don't tell me. It was them, wasn't it?

B- Uh, well....

D- Them, again. Dammit! I can't say I'm not happy, I mean....

B- What?

D- Oh, c'mon Bodie! You know how I feel when you...when someone out there does you....

B- Jealous, I hope?

D- Bodie. Does you in, as in killed.

B- Oh, that....

D- Right, that.

Silence.

B- Don't really mind. I mean, you usually are a sodding ratty calculating bastard; that's the only way to get you all desperate realising you can't live without me...ouch! Why did you go and do that for??

D- Just to check you're alive, mate. Just to check.

B- Oh, yeah? Then ask me to say thirty-three . I assure you, it works just as well. Besides, I don't like it when they do that to you, too, you know.

D- Do I?

B- ....

D- Okay, okay, I know. So...what did they promise you?

B- Actually, I...kind of...threatened them.

D- You did...what?

B- Lost my temper. You know how it is, with me, don't you? Never give a damn about anything as long as no one touches you.

D- So...?

B- So what?

D- So what did you say to them!!

B- Hey, do you want to do an injury to my ears?

D- I'll do an injury where it hurts most very soon, if you don't stop pussy-footing around my questions, mate.

B- All right, I surrender. I mean, it's easy, surrender to you.

D- Get your hands off me, mate. I want answers. Now.

B- Ouch, no mercy, have you? (sighs) They summoned me. You know, the usual...music in the background, felines all around, pens, paper, keyboards, monitors, tapes, Coke and coffee...all the usual mojo going around. Couldn't refuse a polite chat, though, could I? Besides, they don't accept no as an answer, and you've got to do what they want anyway. Easier, though, when they all want the same thing, mind you.

D- Which was?

B- I actually had to sign it, you know? With my blood! Just a drop, really, and they all went red and fussing and apologizing afterwards. I was drowning in the attention....

D- Bodie, get on with it.

B- Oh, sorry. Didn't have the same attention, did you?

D- They are awfully nice to me, too, mate. Nicer, I think. They don't keep throwing my past as a copper in my face, whilst you being an ex-merc....

B- I know, I know. Don't remind me. Please. Sometimes I wish they weren't so melodramatic with it. I get certain nightmares sometimes....

D- I know it, don't I? You thrash around in the bed so much, have to keep you down.

B- Tsk tsk...that's not the reason why you keep me down, Raymond.

D- Oh, well...beside that...don't keep distracting me! What did you sign for them?

B- A kind of...solemn vow, I think. I Must Not Fail In Protecting Your Life, Ever. Not to speak about losing my mind, obviously, and turn around and killing you.

D- That's not pleasant, in fact.

B- Do you think I like it?

D- No, Bodie, what are you, crazy? I know you...you, well, you know it....

B- (whispering) Better if you say it, mate...you remember, we must talk about what we feel for each other, now and then, otherwise we're not allowed to...umm...you know, get...closer....

D- What the hell do you whisper for? They bloody know anyway. They know everything, and what they don't, they make it up as they go along....

B- Yeah...they do that, don't they....

Another pause. Doyle stares at Bodie.

D- What if you fail?

B- Hey?

D- What if you fail protecting me?

B- Well, you die, of course.

D- Sometimes you're really thick, mate. Of course I'd die, if you don't watch me back! Bodie?...Bodie!

B- Yeah?

D- Snap out of it, Bodie. I said me back, not me arse.

B- Oh, so sorry, mate. Were where we?

D- Discussing your punishment if you fail to protect me and I die.

B- Oh, yes, sure. Well...they don't believe that could ever happen, you see. So, they won't read the stories.

D- Well, not much harm in it.

Sounds of wild applauding and cheering. Both Lads are perplexed, then they resume their talking.

B- And I won't get any merciful forgiveness.

D- You wouldn't deserve it, would you?

B- And no second chances. Ever.

D- Mmm...that's pretty sad.

B- And they'll write me working solo and getting it off with Cowley only.

D- You're a randy bastard, too, and they bloody well know it. And you do have a soft spot for the Old Man.

B- And no Swiss Rolls anymore.

Doyle turns on the bed-light.

D- What? Really?

B- Yeah. Can you believe such cruelty?

D- They really have gone too far, this time!

B- Yeah. That's unfair.

D- Unfair doesn't begin to describe it, mate.

B- I mean, is not like it's really my choice either. I do what they say, usually. So do you.

D- We're not given much choice. Mind you, I do want you alive.

B- Me too, mate.

D- Want to check if I'm alive, then? Wouldn't want you to starve, now, would I?

B- Well, if you don't mind....

D- No, it's okay, go ahead...I mean, it's necessary....

B- Yes, it is.

D- For your stomach.

B- Yes, you're right.

Bodie turns off the bed-light.

D- Do you think I'm...oh...alive enough...? (murmurs)

B- Mmm...don't know about you, but that certainly is...pretty much alive....

Rustling of sheets.

D- Oh...well...I have to...check...on you, too....

B- ...( panting)...yeah?....

D- ...( panting)...yeah....

Some panting time later.

B- ...Ray?....

D- ...what?....

B- What have you been threatened with, then?

D- What for?

B- If you don't keep me alive in this one wonderful package, of course.

D- Oh, that.

B- Now, now. Share and share alike, mate.

D- All right, no big deal, anyway.

B- What is it, then?

D- Mmm...I wasn't exactly threatened, you know....

B- What do you mean?

D- Well, you are the Old Man's blue-eyed boy, aren't you?

B- I don't get this in the picture, mate.

D- Okay, okay, put your hands down. No, Bodie, not down there! Oh, well, if you really want to....

B- Keep talking, Ray. Or...I'll put my hands somewhere else....

D- Nice technique, this one. Remember me to suggest it to Cowley for interrogations, won't you?

B- Doyle!

D- All right. I'll cough up. Every time I save your life...or every time I don't kill you, or don't put you in danger...I get to...to....

B- ...what?

D- ...fuck you. I...get...to...fuck...you...Bodie!

In the darkness, a strange, half-choked cry. Someone laughs quietly.

B- Liked that, didn't you, sunshine?...hey, wait a minute, I get threatened, and you get a prize! Besides, you would do that anyway!

Bodie turns the light on again. Doyle looks...uh...happy?

D- Not to a corpse, Bodie! Not yet, anyway. They didn't think of that, thank God. Uh, well...there was that time.... And why pass up a chance to add to my chances of having you, eh?

B- Uh...yeah...I see the point. But it's not fair.

Doyle turns the light off. There are some murmurs. The shape under the sheets is one big tangle in the middle of the bed.

D- Life is not fair, Bodie. (whispers)

B- Don't we know that, mate?

D- Yeah, we know. It's them, you know. They want it to be fair for us.

B- Yeah, I know. Wish it was.

D- Wish it, too, mate.

B- Doyle?

D- Yeah?

B- Do you think I can have my Swiss Roll, now?

A thud sound, then a suffocated yell are heard. More rustling noises, and murmurs. And panting.

-- THE END --