It's rainin'...the tender rain of an early spring morning, makin' the flowers grow and the birds twitter as it washes away the sombre grey of winter...can't cleanse me heart of its deep blue hue though...thought paradise was havin' him near...and it is...'s nobody like my Bodie...and he's mine--heart, soul, body and mind...hoped to keep him safe by lovin' him...but that's the problem...the dark side of Eden...had nothing I cared about 'specially when it was just me...oh, I cared about right and wrong, good and evil, the job, people, cats and dogs and motorcycles, too...but I didn't care too much about me...least not till I met Bodie and he taught me with his hands and lips and love to care because he cared, and would kill me if I died...he made me responsible, you see, for him...did it by givin' me his love, completely and wholeheartedly...brought with it the dark side of Eden, not wanting to die...now I care too much, 'bout him, 'bout me...and the risks no longer come easily...I think about dyin' and leavin' him all alone...would survive, I'm sure (wouldn't he?)...but all that love that's just for me...he'd put it in that small box where he put his phone book when we became official...(that night of chocolate mousse torte, Dom Perignon. and a midnight call to ride from Cowley)...bury it deep he would, in his soul and throw away the key because he's told me, there's no one to replace me...and if the truth be known, I don't want to die...not anymore...want to grow old feelin' his gentle kisses on the naked nape of me neck under me greyin' curls...so I take the chances, though the number of unnecessary ones is down, for both of us, I might add...which does not explain why he's lyin' so still in that bed...course all those tubes do make it difficult to move...I should know...but he's so quiet...probably pullin' one of his black jokes...but even he can't hold his breath this long...thought I understood, these last few years, what the dark side of my Eden was...but I didn't really, not till now...you see, the stupid moron lied to me...maintained, he did, that he hated playin' target...right up till the moment he kissed me, boldly as you please in front of Cowley and the rookies who were responsible for the mess...then he stood up for the gunmen to see, mumbling' all the while some shit 'bout the needs of the many...knew it was a mistake takin' him to see Star Trek 3...spent last night spinnin' me one of his wild tales about how the Captain and Spock were lovers...gave him ideas, it did (that kind too), 'cause today...if it'd been me, I'd have said "Fuck the many, I need the one," and pulled him back down...did that, I did, but he had three bullets in him by then...the kids and the Cow were safe, by the way, havin' run when we told 'em to...but Bodie, he bled to death in me arms while trying to say "I love you"...the medics said he was alive, just barely, when they brought him here...hooked every contraption in the hospital to him, tryin' to prove it...but his heart's gone--gave it to me...and his mind's a blank--no waves, alpha or otherwise...so I did the hardest damned thing I've ever done...I pulled all the plugs...and now...and now I'm alone in the dark side of my Eden, having paid the price of transport by lovin' him...would I do it again...no, I'd take his advice, I would..."Always stay uninvolved," he told me when he married me...and I will...now...should go...nothin' here...nor in my soul...no, memories don't count...can't warm you when a shiver comes at 2 am...can't tell you only little boys cry when their teddies die...can't kiss away the pain when you have to set your lover free...don't think even the rain, which I love almost as much as him, will help...it's the sylvan part of me, he explained, that liked to stand by the sea in a storm...no sense in that, I know...but Bodie had whimsy...which he gave only to me...so it'd just make me colder, standin' in the rain...no sun on the dark side of the moon...no Bodie in the dark side of my Eden...

-- THE END --

Originally published in The Hatstand Express 7