Author's Note: For the ESQ, again. Because I can. Because she's worth it. Because I can't send chocolates or wine through cyberspace.

Thanks to Darby Brennan for the beta!


I'll never forget my thirtieth birthday as long as I live.

We'd had the op from hell, and it had nearly gone sour on us. Only Doyle's copper's nose saved the day. That, and Lady Luck smiling down on us once again. Only thing is, some kid bought it. I say kid, but he was old enough to be classed a man, really. About twenty, I'd say at a guess, but nave enough to die for a cause that was doomed to fail. Sometimes the job stinks, but I guess he paid his money, he took his choice, as the saying goes. Only ten years younger than me, but we were a lifetime apart in experience.

After we clocked off, Ray dragged me to the pub. Said we couldn't let my thirtieth pass unmarked, despite the day we'd had. In fact the day we'd had merited it, he said, and I had to agree.

What I didn't know was that the conniving little sod had chucked a surprise party for me. He'd hired the upstairs function room of the pub, strewn it with banners, balloons, the lot. And the buffet table that was laid on? Talk about a spread fit for a king. All the lads were there waiting. I say lads, but I include Betty, Susie and Ruth in there too.

As we walked through the door, I could tell he was very nervous about how I might react. He seemed very fidgety, as if he was ready to bolt for the door at a split second's notice. He knows me too well, does my Raymondo.

But as the guests, my friends, colleagues, comrades, let off poppers covering me in a shower of streamers and confetti amidst a hail of mini explosions, which was very fitting, and blew on their party hooters, I felt very touched. It felt nice, right, to belong, so I threw him a look which I hoped would speak volumes to him, telling him everything was okay.

I saw him visibly relax, the strain leaving his face and taking years off him. When he's at ease, he always appears younger and more vulnerable than he actually is, and it does funny things to me, like bringing my protective streak very much to the fore. It's silly really, because he's no cream puff, but I just can't help it. I can't help anything, any of the feelings, where he's concerned.

Ray steered me to the bar, and bought me my first drink, a small miracle in itself, as he seems cursed with deep pockets and short arms usually. I didn't have to buy a drink all evening, the lads were queuing up to get me the next one. At one point, I had a line of glasses full of alcoholic beverages waiting for me to get to them. I didn't even need to leave my seat to sample the delights of the buffet, as I was brought one loaded plate after another as people went to help themselves, until in the end, even I couldn't face any more, and admitted defeat. After four or five pints and a couple of whisky chasers, I was starting to feel decidedly mellow. It turned out this was his intention, because he'd lined some more surprises up.

The Cow arrived, and Ray bought him a single Malt Scotch, not a cheap one either, which astounded me. He made a touching speech, then wished me Happy Birthday, and left us to enjoy the party.

I was sat in a corner with a daft smirk plastered on my face when this bird approached me, and asked if I was the birthday boy. I made some smooth reply, then the music changed, and I noticed everyone crowding round me. The sneaky golly had only set me up with a stripper. I could have died with mortification, but she had other ideas, and she bumped, ground and gyrated as she removed her clothes, and loosened some of mine.

I caught Ray's eye, and shook my head fondly at him, so he knew I wasn't going to beat him to pulp for this. `You wait,' I mouthed at him, and he opened those bewitching green eyes wide in reply, and his eyebrows disappeared under the mop of curls, an innocent `What? Who, me?' smeared across those beautiful features.

The stripper, stunning lass she was, with an exotic name beginning with a Z, I think, thrust her tits in my face, and sat on my lap, grinding her hips against my growing cock. I couldn't help getting turned on, despite the audience. Who could, with a floor show like that?

Seizing the opportunity, Ray brought out the cake he'd organised for me - a giant Swiss roll, topped with, I presume, thirty lit candles, although I didn't count them, but I know they looked a lot. I thanked Ray publicly for his efforts, for throwing me a party I would remember always, and helping me to mark surviving three decades in style.

Everyone sang `Happy Birthday', and as I blew the candles out, managing them all in one go, I wished for my soul mate. A futile wish, I know. But even I, who projects a carefully constructed air of hard-as-nails impenetrable solitude, detachment and aloofness, yearn to be loved by `The One'. Trouble is, I knew who `The One' for me was, but they were beyond my reach. You see, Ray is the one for me. Always has been, I suppose. It just took me a while to realise it. When I finally did twig, I was too scared to risk destroying that special connection we have to make a move on him. Instead, I made a silent pact with myself to deny my carnal desires. But, God, it's so hard at times. It takes all my willpower to hold back. There are times when having to satisfy myself with a supposedly innocent touch here or there nearly kills me.

The stripper gave me a birthday snog, then disappeared to wherever, and I was left with my line of drinks. As I worked my way through them, I watched the people that I know, love and respect having a good time as the party got into full swing.

I suddenly felt tired. Tired of making an effort to be the life and soul of the party. Tired of the dirty world I live in, where men barely out of youth are cut down in their prime. Tired of all that I had seen and done since leaving home a teenager, and forced by experience to become a man. A survivor before my time. I watched Ray dancing with Susie, Betty and Murphy, admired his moves, and the view it gave me of his arse, and felt keenly the pang of regret that he could never be mine. Despondent, I slipped out unnoticed, and made my way home - alone.

When I got in, I didn't bother to turn the lights on, just sat there in a kind of daze, thinking of nothing but yet everything, all at the same time.

I don't know how long I sat in this state, but my musing was shattered by the sound of the door buzzer. I knew instinctively who it would be. I just released the outer lock, opened the door to my flat and waited for him.

Ray stood facing me, a range of emotions flitting across his face. We looked at each other for what seemed an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds, speaking without words. I saw his anger at me dissipate to be replaced by concern, and I stood to one side to allow him to enter, closing the door after him.

`Why?' his stance asked, and I just shrugged, averting my eyes downwards. The questions present in those beguiling emeralds were suddenly too much for my raw state. I wanted him. I needed him. And if I looked at him, I'd need to ease the pain I saw reflected in the jade pools. I might cross the line I'd set myself.

He stepped closer to me, and, reaching out one hand, lifted my chin so I was compelled to look at him. I'm sure he must have seen the naked longing burning in my eyes, or felt the spark of electricity jolting where he touched me, because his eyes widened a fraction. "You idiot," he murmured, and dropping his hand slightly to clutch at my clothing, pulled me towards him into a tight embrace. "You're not alone, not now, never alone again. Don't you get that? We're partners. Together. Forever."

His whisper against my ear undid all my resolve there and then, and feverishly, I seized his face between my hands, feeling the touch of his skin, the roughness of slight stubble under the pads of my fingertips. I lowered my head slightly, seeking his mouth with mine. That first kiss was sweet manna from heaven, soothing my tortured soul. I was hungry for more, and greedily possessed him again, lightly nipping at his lips with my teeth, then as they parted, I probed inside his mouth lightly with my tongue. It felt soft and warm, and I sensed rather than heard him moan softly.

I clutched fiercely at him, threatening to crush him to me as my released passion burned straight through my loins, stiffening my cock. I pushed my groin against him, leaving no doubt as to my arousal.

He broke the kiss and, panting slightly, looked me in the eye. "You do realise that if we don't stop now, there's no going back from this, don't you?" he asked. I nodded. "Do you want to stop?" I shook my head slightly. No. Not now, never again.

Grasping my hand with his, entwining our fingers together, he started to lead me across the room. "In that case, I've got something very special to give you for your birthday, but we need to be in there for you to open it," he said softly, motioning towards my bedroom.

I followed him without objection, and within seconds, we were standing in the middle of my bedroom floor, facing each other. He spread his arms out wide, in a gesture that quite clearly said `here I am'. Cottoning on quickly, I started to slowly unwrap him, one layer at a time, savouring the feel and taste of him as I did so.

Finally, he stood before me naked, cock erect and weeping pre-cum, silently begging to be ravished. I quickly stripped out of my clothes, assisted by him, and I pushed him onto the bed, joining him immediately. Slowly, I explored every inch of the exposed flesh with my hands, my mouth, my tongue, and as I discovered him, he did the same to me, until eventually, neither of us could hold back any longer, and we reached our climaxes almost simultaneously, the start of one stimulating the other.

After we made love for the first time that night, and we lay entwined and content, I thought back to the wish I had made earlier. It was the first time that I could remember a wish coming true for me, but I knew it was worth all the ones that had gone before not being fulfilled, to get the one thing my heart truly desired.

For as long as I live, I know I will never forget that birthday, and the very special gift I received that night from Ray Doyle, my work partner, my friend, as he gave himself to me as my lover, my life partner, and I gave myself to him.

-- THE END --

August 2005