Sequel is Be Careful Where You Drink


"BODIE!"

"You bellowed?"

"Let me in, now!"

"Actually, I was just--"

"NOW Bodie!"

"All right. Come up."

"You arsehole, you--"

"And hello to you too. Always a pleasure to see you Doyle. D'you mind if I get myself a beer while you yell at me, it's been a long day... So what am I supposed to have done now?"

"I had a date for tonight with that new secretary, Dora--"

"The one that's been staring at you with take me big boy eyes for a couple of weeks?"

"That's the one. This morning she rings me and says she's changed her mind, people who work together, blah, blah, blah."

"Well she's got a point."

"Then I bumped into her in the corridor an hour later and she wouldn't even look at me."

"That so?"

"And it was obvious she was trying hard not to laugh at me."

"Women can be so unpredictable."

"Unlike you, you're too bloody predictable."

"Now Ray I--"

"Shut it! So it kept happening all day. I'd pass one of the girls and she'd smirk and avoid eye contact. At one point I passed two of them together in the corridor and they burst out laughing."

"Who can understand the mystery that is woman kind?"

"I'm one step away from rearranging your face mate so--"

"I'll stop interrupting."

"Then the squad stopped talking the moment I walked in. Until the smart arse remarks started."

"About what?"

"Socks."

"Socks?"

"Socks, Bodie. They were talking about socks, asking me if I liked to play with sock puppets. Anson asked if I'd taken advantage of the Marks & Sparks sale to increase my wardrobe. Murphy asked whether I liked to roll them or fold them to fit in my drawers. And all the time they were laughing their arses off like they were Dave bloody Allen."

"Ah."

"Where d'you think you're going?"

"...To get another beer?"

"Stay right there! I finally cornered Murphy, who told me that Dora has it on good authority that I'm lacking in the trouser department. That in fact I stuff my crotch with socks."

"Where would she get an idea like that?"

"Apparently from a very reliable source."

"Who would--"

"How are you feeling old reliable?"

"So Murphy--"

"Took great pleasure in grassing you up."

"I'll get even."

"Right now Murphy is the least of your worries. Before I kill you with my bare hands I want to know why. Why d'you do it?"

"Owed you one for Debbie."

"The best man won. Debbie just succumbed to my native charms, I never stooped to telling her you stuffed your crotch."

"You don't even think it was a little bit funny? Why so angry Ray? I fear you doth protest too much... What's the problem, are you really padding your assets?"

"You bastard! Here!"

"Why exactly are you clutching my hand to your crotch?"

"To prove a point."

"Well that's certainly a point."

"Christ! Why are you squeezing?"

"Double checking there's not a sock in there somewhere."

"That is not a sock."

"No, not unless it's a windsock."

"Why are you kneeling?"

"I think this calls for a closer inspection, an eyewitness account--"

"Careful with that zipper!"

"--to disprove the rumours, I need hard proof. Bloody hell, how d'you get enough blood into this thing without passing out?"

"Hard enough for you?"

"Certainly appears to be. Now I'll just have to see how it stands up under rigorous test conditions. Come here."

-- THE END --

July 2008