Cat's Paw

"Fee, fie, foe, fum...I smell something rotten in the state of Denmark," Bodie intoned.

"That's mixin' metaphors with a vengeance."

"Those aren't metaphors, they're...what's the thing that's like a metaphor?"

He was peering so intently through the telescope, he didn't jump when I came up behind him and fondled his backside.

"A simile?" I love the feel of Bodie's body.

"Nah, the other thing." He pressed the button on the attached camera. The motor whirred and the shutter clicked half a dozen times.

"What other thing?" I tried to see what it was Bodie was shooting.

"A palindrome."

"That's never a palindrome."

"'Course it is."

"A palindrome of that'd be..." I thought for a moment. "Kramned of etats...why am I playing this stupid game with you?" Despite myself I started to laugh.

My RT beeped. "Who's on first?"

"Is everything quite all right, Doyle?"

"Oh, yeh. Just discussin' semantics."

"Padgett and Meyers are on their way to relieve you. Pack up and come home.

I have an important one for you."

"Ah, there goes my new career in photojournalism," Bodie mourned.

"Piss off...not you, sir," I added to Bodie's vast amusement.

"Half an hour, then." The channel was closed.

"What d'you suppose it is?" I glanced over at Bodie and the expression on his face made me go cold. Bodie looked about to let fly with a prophecy.

He had a Cassandraesque look in his eye - far seeing and a little demented.

"Cat up a tree," Bodie said, and though he smiled, he still had a far-away look.

"God, I hope not."

Cowley's desk was cluttered with files. He handed me a photograph of a fair-haired young man. "Can you manage this one?" he asked.

Youngish, tousled flaxen hair, cornflower blue eyes. The boy had the look of a piece of expensive porcelain. "Of course."

"I mean down to the talent, the thought patterns, everything. If you're spotted, it's the end."

"Of me?" I looked at the picture again.

"And a great many other things," Cowley added cryptically. "Can you do it?"

he asked again.

"I'm not sure. The personality, certainly, but the talent...what is his talent, anyway?"

"Energy source."

"Will you fill us in?"

Another photo was passed across the desk. "This is David Rice," Cowley told us. I put his age at about forty. The man was hawkish and dark with pocked cheeks and thinning hair. And unlike the boy in the first picture, this man 's personality made itself felt. He was vivid even in two dimensions. "The first one is Alexander Kollo. They are complementary talents. Rice is like Bodie."

"Nobody's like Bodie," I countered with a smile at Bodie who was looking stormy.

"Rice's talent, so far as we know, isn't as powerful or focused as Bodie's.

That's part of the reason he needs Kollo."

"And we have him? Kollo, I mean?" Bodie asked. He glanced at the photo again. "Little raver, isn't he?"

"There's something else," Cowley began.

"There always is. Christ, don't tell me they're lovers! Don't you ever stop pimpin' for Doyle?"

Cowley ignored the comment. "None of our intelligence has been able to determine the extent of their relationship. You may be walking into an awkward sexual situation," he told me.

"I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it. Where is this Kollo?"

"He's been hospitalised."

"The way you say that makes me 'air stand on end. Is he crazy? Is that it?"

Cowley nodded.

"Wonderful."

"It's a lot to ask..."

I closed my eyes and concentrated on the face, feeling it take shape.

"Good Lord," Cowley exclaimed, "I've never seen it happen before."

"Problem," I said when I opened my eyes. "I'm still me. Kollo's not in here with me." I tapped my head. "Not even a thread. I don't understand it." The only reason I could think of for my inability to pick up on the personality was that I'd never met Kollo. Perhaps, in order to take on the personality, I had to have contact with it.

"Why don't you tell us the rest," Bodie suggested as I changed back into myself.

"Rice is an ambitious man. He's been acquiring power in our government, but very quietly. Coming in through the back door, as it were. I've been aware of him for some time - we've been monitoring his activities in Europe for several years. About six months ago he came to this country and began to make contact with certain government figures." He passed us several files.

"Unfortunately he's been very careful to cover his tracks. He has power enough that setting him up would be well-nigh impossible."

"Through other people?" Bodie asked as he studied one of the files. "Very clever. But what's his ultimate goal?"

"We're not sure."

"And you want me to help to break his power?" I asked. "How?"

"By making him believe that his energy cell is in good working order, and by bringing him into contact with Bodie in a situation which won't alert him to our plans."

"At which point I strip away his power, is that it?"

"Essentially."

"You might as well kill him," Bodie observed. "It'd be kinder." He tossed the folder onto Cowley's desk.

"Why don't you just have Bodie take away Kollo's power?" It seemed a more direct way of dealing with the problem.

"We can't be sure he won't find another power source. We have considered termination, but only as a last resort. Bodie, I realise this may be distasteful..."

"Distasteful? I'm not sure I could do it."

"I think you'll have to try. It's that important."

"I'd like to talk to my sister."

"By all means."

"And I," I told them, "had better meet Alexander Kollo."

"He was arrested for smashing windscreens on the cars in his neighbourhood,"

Cowley explained. "He said they were full of spies."

"Were any of them ours?" We were walking down the corridor towards Kollo's room. I was imagining a paranoid delusion coming to life.

"Only one. When I heard he'd been arrested, I had him brought here. Rice was told Kollo had undergone a sort of breakdown and that he needed several days' rest."

"And he brought it?"

Cowley shrugged. "He hasn't argued with the doctors. He visits everyday.

Kollo's been heavily sedated." We entered the room at the end of the hall.

"Rice is afraid of losing the boy entirely."

I studied the silent figure in the hospital bed, took in the tousled hair and pale skin. There was a strand of hair in Kollo's mouth, and I reached out and pushed it away. Then I changed.

And this time Sasha was there with me. I could feel the madness there like a living thing. I changed back quickly to escape him.

"Dear God..."

"You found him?"

"He's farther gone than you think. I'm not sure I can...please let me sit and think about this for a few minutes."

Cowley left me alone in a quiet, sunny room. I didn't want to do this thing. I feared the madness, feared the loss of my own personality in Kollo 's. Sasha's - that was how Kollo thought of himself - Sasha. A nickname, a pet-name. In those few moments I'd met some of Sasha's demons and too many of them had a lovers face. He was being torn apart by Rice.

But I'd also confronted the truth of Rice's plans and they frightened me as much as the idea of becoming Sasha. I had seen the future - a terrible power...Rice wouldn't balk at war. When he consolidated his power in Europe, he would turn his eyes east. The man was building a network of psychic slaves with Sasha's help.

I buried my face in his hands, and that was the way Bodie found me.

"Brought you a lovely cuppa, sunshine."

"I'm scared to death," I whispered.

"I know." Bodie sat beside me. "I am too."

"Has to be done."

"Don't know why the old man won't just have one of them twepped."

The tea was comforting - a good, English feeling. "He'd probably feel it coming. Cowley tells me Rice has tremendous psychic barriers. This won't be easy Bodie."

"It's down to us, then. Cowley's angels, eh?"

I couldn't help smiling despite my anxiety. "I'll need your help."

"Anything. You know that."

"Two things, then - I may need you to supplement my power so I have something to pass onto Rice. And I need you to be close to me. I'm afraid of being lost in Sasha."

"Who?"

"Kollo. It's what Rice calls him."

"Sasha, is it?" He put an arm around me. "I'm always here with you."

"I need to be able to find you if I need help."

"Are they lovers?" Bodie asked. I could feel the tendrils of Bodie's thoughts snaking through my mind.

"Sometimes," I admitted. Bodie might accept a denial, but he'd know it to be a lie.

"Maybe I can help you with that, too."

We went together into the room where Sasha was sleeping. Cowley was there waiting. "Have you decided?"

"I can do it," I told him, squeezing Bodie's hand for reassurance. "What's the drill?"

"This afternoon you'll be released into Rice's care. He'll be told he has to bring you back here for regular sessions with your counsellor." He nodded towards Bodie. "I want to know who he's in contact with, which of our people belong to him."

"If Sasha knows the names already..."

"I want to know who his contacts are in other governments. He must keep detailed files on his activities. I want them. As far as we are able we have to neutralise his activities."

"I still think you should kill him and be done with it," Bodie remarked.

"Always direct. Can you do your part?"

Bodie nodded.

"Very well, let's begin."

Just before I began the change, Bodie grabbed me and kissed me. "Just so you won't forget me," he whispered. Then he left the room.

We'd built a house in my mind, and each of the rooms had a purpose. In one room I kept Bodie - a place to go for help, for comfort and security. In another room Sasha was held. In yet another he and Ray were allowed to come together. Finally there was a room where I could go to find myself. Each of these places were safety measures for me. Without them, I might become lost in the maze of a dual personality. I had seen it happening to Murphy, and it frightened me.

I changed, and could feel Sasha knocking at the door of the room where he was held. You can come out only if you promise to be good I told him.

I promise. The door opened and Sasha entered my consciousness.

"Doyle?" Cowley looked anxious. Sasha asked me who the old man was.

"It's all right. I'm still in here. We're getting to know each other."

"Is it safe to leave you?"

"Safer than staying, I think. Don't let this take too long," I begged.

Rice came for us that afternoon.

"Sasha?"

I took a deep breath. "Why am I here?"

"You had a little breakdown. It's all right now, isn't it Doctor?" He turned and appealed to Bodie who stood in the doorway, wearing a lab coat and glasses.

"He's much better. But I think it might be wise to bring him back for regular visits for a time, Mr Rice. He's had a bad time of it."

"Davy, I want to go home." I grabbed Rice's hand and held on for dear life.

"I'm sorry for what I did. Take me home."

Bodie took Rice aside. "You might find him a little...changed."

"Changed? How?"

I pushed Sasha back into his room and locked the door. He was becoming too assertive suddenly. It must have been Rice's presence.

"This has been rather traumatic for him. He'll be subdued, perhaps even a little confused. I don't think it'll last, but it's best to be prepared.

Be patient with him for a while. Don't push him to be exactly as he was before the breakdown."

"No pressure, is that what you're saying?"

"No unnecessary pressure. You don't have to handle him with kid gloves, Mr Rice. You may notice a certain curiosity about the details of his life - he seems to have blocked some things."

Good old Bodie! He was setting up a workable scenario for the next few weeks.

"Bear with him. Answer his questions as though it was quite ordinary. Let him get to know himself...and you, again."

"I'll do my best. Thank you, Doctor...uh..."

"Doctor Gwyn."

I stifled a laugh.

"Sasha, we can go home now," Rice said to me.

"Talk to the nurse and set up an appointment." Bodie left the room. It was down to me now.

"Are you hungry?" Rice asked as I dressed.

"A little."

"We could go to your favourite restaurant."

"Whatever you want, Davy."

Rice sighed. "What do you want?"

"I don't know..." I called Sasha. What is it you like best? I asked him.

"Ice cream."

Rice grinned. "That's what I thought you'd say."

I found it easier than I thought it would be. I just let Rice talk. I had ice cream while he ate a proper meal, and he told me about what he'd been doing while I was in hospital. It all sounded too mundane. He'd gone here, seen this person or that. I wondered if the names and places had any significance for Sasha, but rather than let him back in, I just nodded and pretended to be tired and abstracted. Rice seemed just little miffed that I wasn't wildly interested in his doings, but he didn't press the issue.

I decided sleep was safer than conversation, so when we arrived at their flat, I announced my intention of going to bed early. It may have been my imagination, but Rice looked relieved.

On the way to the bedroom I drew a blank. Had to make the best of it, though. "I can't remember!" I shouted. "Davy, I don't remember anything!"

I stood in the hallway panting and shivering until Rice appeared to lead me to my bedroom.

"That was stupid of me, wasn't it?" I asked, trying to sound brave but shaken. Rice undressed me and put me to bed. "I just couldn't remember where I was. I'm sorry, Davy."

"It's okay, poppet. We all get lost from time to time. You sleep now." He placed a chaste kiss on my forehead, and asked, "Light on or off?"

"On, I think. For tonight."

Then he left and I lay back and considered my situation. Sasha was not entirely reliable. There were great gaps in what I could learn from him.

Thus, it was best to play the partial amnesia for all it was worth. I'd have to tread carefully, though. Couldn't overplay or it would be obvious.

I'd learned something about Rice already, something which surprised me.

Rice loved Sasha. Their relationship went beyond the symbols Cowley had implied. And that Sasha loved Rice was obvious from the moment I had taken the essence of Sasha's personality into myself. These revelations made me uneasy. It made these two men far too human.

I sought out Sasha. He's worried about us, Sasha said.

Help me make it right so he doesn't have to worry? I asked him. Tell me what I need to know. And for a few moments, Sasha's mind was opened to me and I learned as many of the details of their life. But again the madness swept out, like something hungry for new minds to gnaw. I pushed him away, back into the locked room. Too much, it was too much to ask of anyone.

I managed to pass the next few days by playing at being subdued and forgetful. Rice was reasonably patient, but the strain began to show eventually. Finally he came to see me and asked, "Sasha, do you feel up to doing some work?"

"Work?"

"I have a meeting with Sir Jeremy Frazer. I need you there."

Frazer was in Defence. I decided to take a risk. "What are you talking about, Davy?"

A stunned silence followed, and I wondered if I'd overplayed my hand.

"That's enough, Sasha."

"Have I done something wrong?" I asked, all innocence and wide blue eyes.

His face flushed red. "Goddammit, I'm tired of waiting for you to decide to remember! This is too important to leave until you feel like dealing with it!" he shouted.

Sasha was pounding at the locked door. He needs me! he yelled. I was being assaulted from all sides.

"Go away!"

rice grabbed my arms. "Sasha, listen to me!"

Let me out! Sasha shrieked. It was deafening coming from inside my head like that. I grabbed my head and groaned, and it must have looked as real as it felt because Rice's grip eased.

"I'm sorry, Sasha. I didn't mean to...are you all right?"

Let me out. He needs my help! "Leave me alone!" I screamed.

"Sasha!"

"It's this voice in my head," I moaned. "He won't leave me alone."

Rice drove me back to the hospital.

"He seems worse," he said to Bodie.

"Let me talk to him."

Rice left us alone and I slumped into the chair beside Bodie's desk.

"Ray?"

"Is the door locked?"

Bodie nodded.

I changed back into Ray. "Thank God. Bodie, I don't think I can take much more of this. Sasha's really mad, and I don't seem to be able to use him without the madness creeping in on me as well. Every time I look for help, it surfaces." I wrapped my arms around Bodie and took fresh strength from him.

"Do you want me to tell him you have to stay for a couple of days?"

I considered the idea and rejected it. "No. I'm going to try and finish this as soon as possible." I ran a hand through my hair. "Next time we come here I want you to be ready. Tell him it would help if he could find some time to talk to you - to us. Tell him...I don't know. Make something up, something that sounds psychological."

"I'll tell him that the healing process occurs most efficiently in a loving, supportive environment, shall I?"

I found myself smiling for the first time in days. "Sounds very psychological to me. I think he'll buy it. He really cares about the kid.

How is Sasha, anyway?"

Bodie made a face. "Not good. He's been taken off sedation and the delusions are worse. He's convinced he's being watched by demons."

"You know, you could bring him in now. Rice, I mean."

"It's too soon. You haven't found out any of what Cowley wants to know yet, have you?"

"Not for that. I just thought it might be a good thing if he started getting used to being around you. Persuade him to drop his guard a little so when the time comes, it'll be easier."

"Good thinking, oh wise one. Can you take it?"

I took a deep breath and changed back, making sure Sasha was securely locked away. "I can take it," I said.

Bodie brought Rice in and asked him to have a seat. "There seems to be some problem between you," he began.

"What's he told you?"

"I said I thought you were angry with me for forgetting things, Davy. Are you?"

a strange look flitted across the dark face. "No, poppet, not angry. I' m...worried."

I'll just bet you are, I thought, and Sasha's voice echoed me. He's worried he'll have to conquer the world alone. "You wanted me to help you, but I just don't know how."

"Mister Rice," Bodie said, picking up his cue like a pro, "what is it you want Sasha to help you with?"

rice looked unperturbed. "Well, it's business," he said, very smooth. "I don't see it having any bearing on his condition. He's forgotten that we work together, that's all."

"It sounds a little more serious to hear him tell it," Bodie insisted, and Rice slanted a look at me which boded ill. "He seems to have a block about the subject. Has there been any problems in the past that might provoke feelings of guilt or inadequacy on his part?"

Don't push too hard, Bodie, I thought at him.

"Not that I know of. I know he found the work not always to his liking."

"Can you tell me the nature of this work?" Bodie asked.

Don't go too far...

"I'm afraid I can't at this time, Doctor. I'm involved in some delicate negotiations..."

I squinted at Rice and could see his aura change to a blinding electric blue. He was protecting himself. He was uncomfortable.

"Davy, I want to go home now," I announced. "I feel fine. I was just tired." I got up and went to the door. "Doctor, I'm fine now, really. I just need to try harder to remember things."

On the way to the car, Rice put his arm around my shoulders; one of the few times he had touched me for no reason. "Don't worry about forgetting things, Sasha. Sometimes I wish I could forget everything for a while."

Was all forgiven?

"I really do want to help," I protested. "If you'd just tell me what it is I have to do."

"We'll talk about that another time. How about some supper?"

that night, for the first time, Rice made it clear he wanted me to share his bed. "It's been a long time, poppet. I've missed you."

I'd been afraid of this moment. To refuse meant running the risk of antagonizing him, but if I agreed, Rice might realise I wasn't the real Sasha. I didn't respond immediately, and he asked, "Don't you want to?"

"Of course I do, it's just...I don't want to disappoint you, Davy. I've been such a disappointment already."

"You couldn't ever disappoint me." He put his arms around me and bent to kiss me. "Love is never disappointed."

I felt ashamed. Screwing for Queen and country was one thing, but I was trespassing on private property. I felt terribly betrayed by my job - this wasn't what I'd wanted to do when I joined CI5. Never again, I vowed.

We went upstairs and came together in Rice's big bed. I let Sasha out and retired to the room where Bodie was, detaching myself from what was happening to my body.

"I've been thinking," David said as he dressed the next morning. "Perhaps you'd like to just come along to the meeting today. It might bring back the right memories. You don't have to do anything. Just listen. Don't even have to do that," he added with a conspiratorial wink. "I guess I just need some moral support."

"I just wish I could be more help."

David knelt on the bed and took my face between his hands. "So long as you' re here for me, that's all the help I need. And afterwards we'll go for ice cream."

The meeting with Frazer took about an hour. On the surface, they talked about mundane matters, but towards the end of the hour Frazer suddenly acquired a glazed expression.

"Do you understand what I require of you?" David demanded.

This was what I'd been waiting for. I listened carefully.

"Yes, entirely."

"You understand the policies I wish to pursue?"

Frazer nodded.

"And you will furnish me with the information I requested?" David's face was subtly altered. It had taken on some of the intensity I'd seen originally in the photograph of Rice.

It was useless - whatever was done to Frazer had been done silently, under cover of legitimate business. There would be no papers, no conversations, taped or otherwise - nothing to incriminate David.

"You understand what will happen to you and your family if you fail, don't you?" Again Frazer nodded. What, I wondered, was the threat? I imagine I was happier not knowing.

"Call me when you have the figures, Jeremy." His voice lost the edge it had taken on. He was functioning on two levels again.

Jeremy stood and shook his hand. "It's always a pleasure to do business with you, David."

"Come on, Sasha, let's go eat ourselves sick on ice cream."

"Was it successful?" I asked. Inside his room, Sasha was laughing. I'd learned almost nothing.

"Oh yes. Very."

I was silent until we reached the car. "I helped, didn't I?"

David nodded and smiled. "You're a good boy, poppet."

He's a user, I realised with a trace of bitterness. What had happened between us the night before had been as much to establish the energy link as to convey affection.

The next day David left me alone for the first time. "Stay in the house, Sasha," he ordered. "No more going outside and destroying windscreens, yes?"

"That was stupid, wasn't it?" I replied, trying to look shamefaced. "I won' t do it again, I promise."

"I'll be home about two. I was thinking - would you like to go on holiday?

When I finish work today, I'll have a few days free. We could go to the coast if you like."

"Sounds wonderful." This was bad. I didn't like the idea of being too far from Bodie.

I waited a few minutes after David left, then went into his office and began to search through the drawers of his desk.

There wasn't much to find, as I'd feared. Names, phone numbers...certainly nothing to incriminate David Rice or his contacts. But Cowley wasn't interested in building a case against David - judgement had already been passed. And any doubts I might have felt about David's intentions had been shattered by my contact with Sasha. Sasha knew what was going to happen...

That was it.

I called Cowley.

"All I have to do is become Rice for you," I explained. "He can tell you everything you need to know about his contacts and his plans."

"My God, why didn't I think of that? It's brilliant, Doyle."

"Right. Can I do it now? He's out and I want to finish this as quickly as possible."

"Show me you can do it. If it works, we'll do it after Rice is put out of commission."

I went from Sasha to David Rice and the difference was incredible. All the information was there waiting for me in mental files. But there was something of Sasha there too. A dark thing that fed on David's mind. They were not so different.

I gave a bit of information to Cowley and changed back.

"I can do it," I told him. "He has an orderly mind, but...I felt what he wants," I confessed. "I felt myself wanting it, too. We'll have to debrief in short sessions."

"Good enough. Arrange to come to the hospital tomorrow afternoon and we'll take care of Rice. Good work, Doyle."

I felt a weight lift off me. "You know what the joke is? He's on our side - technically. He wants to run the world for the sake of our way of life."

"Can't be done, laddie," Cowley said, quietly.

David arrived home about two as he had promised, and was feeling affectionate. "Everything's working out beautifully, Sasha." He caught me around the waist and pulled me into the bedroom.

"Are we going on holiday, then?" I asked.

"Wherever you want to go, poppet." David began to undress me.

"Before we leave, can we stop at the hospital?" He looked at me as though he thought I'd really lost my grip.

"I thought you were better," he said.

"I am, really. But the doctor told me...if I felt I needed a tranquilliser..."

"Do you?" He seemed perturbed, so I tried to reassure him.

"No, but I'm afraid of going away and maybe needing them, Davy. Doctor Gwyn told me to think of them as a...lifeline, he said. He told me to try to get on without them, but that if I needed them..."

"They'd be there for you," he finished. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt," he conceded. "Okay, we'll stop on the way."

He began to fondle me through my cords, so I opened the door for Sasha, intending to leave them alone together.

Something dark and terrible came roaring out.

Bodie, he's loose. I don't know how to stop him.

Relax, relax...he can't hurt you. Now concentrate. Wrap the whitelight around him wherever he is. Bind him with it. That's right.

I hate this! I cried inside my mind. The thing inside the web of light was screaming.

Lock him away, Ray. You know where he belongs. We built the room together. Put him in the room and shut the door. Good, now lock it. Now give me the key and I'll keep it safe.

I opened my eyes and Davy was standing beside the bed. "What happened?"

"I don't know. You threw me across the room then collapsed. How do you feel?"

"Weak."

"I shouldn't wonder. Sasha, those doctors aren't helping you at all. I'm going to take you to see someone who might be able to."

"Who?"

"He lives in Wales. We'll leave tonight."

"Oh, God," I moaned. It wasn't happening, it couldn't be.

David began to pack. I levered myself up off the bed.

"I want to go back to the hospital," I told him. He didn't answer. "I said, I want..."

"I heard you. And you heard me. Those doctors are worse than useless. I'm taking you to see a friend."

Something was beating at the door.

"Please, Davy? Just let me get some tranquillisers from them."

"No!" He began to fill my case with my clothes.

"You always have to have things your own way, don't you?" I shouted. "Well you go to Wales and I'll go to the hospital."

I started for the door but he grabbed my arm and swung me around.

"You go where I tell you to go," he said, very calm.

"You go to hell!" I shoved him away and ran for the door, but he tackled me and I fell, hitting my head as I went down.

I blacked out.

So, now you know a voice said. Sasha. He'll kill before he'll let me go. I could see the dark thing in his eyes, lying over his shoulders like a cloak.

And when he finds out who you are, he'll kill you.

Go away I told him, but he just laughed.

You invited me here. He leaned closer and smiled. And when I'm gone, there'll be a little part of me in here - he tapped my head - Something to remember me by

when I woke it was nearly dark. We were in the car. "You had a little accident," David said in a light, conversational tone. "I called the hospital and Doctor Gwyn arranged for you to have these." He handed me a bottle. Valium.

You liar, I thought.

"Why don't you rest a bit?"

"I'm not tires." I was scared. He drove on and I tried to contact Bodie.

Can you follow? I asked him. And a voice in my head - Bodie's, thank the Lord and Lady - said I'm with you, Ray. We had reached Shropshire when suddenly the room in which Sasha had been locked simply exploded. I began to scream.

Hold me, holdmeholdme...I don't want to go into the darkness again...who are you? Will you hold me? I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the dark thing - it was eating me up, but now it's gone...

gone...

it's not a dark place, is it? I can see the light ahead - look Ray - that is your name, isn't it?

Hello. Can you see the light too? Let me go to it please?

Poor David. Say goodbye for me, will you? It can't work - he won't let it happen.

Goodbye Ray.

"Sasha! Sasha!"

"What?" I blinked. The light hurt my eyes. "Godinheavin, he's dead."

"What?" Rice shook me. "Sasha, what's going on?"

"He's dead. I felt him die."

"We'll stop for the night. There's an inn nearby on the other side of Clun forest. The innkeeper is a friend. You'll feel better after a night's sleep." He was babbling. I could hear the fear in his voice.

I could almost feel my body blurring like melting wax. I couldn't hold on to the image of Sasha any longer. "Let me out of the car," I said, sounding calmer than I felt. Rice let go of me and I crawled out of the car and fell into the grass by the side of the road. Rice got out and ran around to help, but stopped short as he watched me change back into Ray Doyle.

"Who are you?" he demanded. "What's happening? Where's Sasha?"

"Sasha's dead." I sat up and shook my head to clear it.

"Dead?"

I wished I could have broken the news more gently. "Only just. He told me to say goodbye." Put so bluntly it sounded almost ghoulish. I stood up, my legs rubbery, and began to move around. I felt as though my whole body had been deprived of blood for several hours. Everything hurt, everything was tingling with the return of my own life. Never again, I vowed.

"You killed him," Rice said quietly.

"No. he..." I groped for the truth. "He killed himself - in the hospital."

There was no point in lying. If I could keep Rice talking, Bodie would find me.

"No, you killed him," Rice repeated. "And I'm going to kill you." He meant it. He blamed me.

I watched the man for a moment, then heard Bodie's voice run. I'll find you. I broke and ran into the forest.

I ran for my life, crashing through the undergrowth, running ever deeper into the forest. The forest floor was lightly carpeted with fallen leaves, and the scent of their death filled my sense.

I could hear Rice running behind me, and above the sounds of our flight, another noise - it sounded almost like a pack of hounds. Crazy, who would be hunting in the forest at night?

Who, aside from Rice?

I ran on. The baying of the hounds became more distinct and in desperation, I ran towards them. Hounds - hunter, someone who might help. I began to hear the sound of their movement through the forest.

"Hoi!" I broke into the clearing just as the pack did, and immediately realised my mistake. No ordinary pack of hounds, this - they were enormous black dogs with bright red eyes and red ears. They ringed me quickly, intent on holding me.

Rice burst into the clearing, saw the dogs and began to laugh. "Hell hounds. They knew you were going to die."

Then he raised his hands and I tried to shrink into the tree at my back. I was going to die at the hands of a madman...literally. I remembered how Bodie had killed that man in the pub and was sick with terror.

"STOP!"

a horse and rider moved into the clearing. The horse, like the hounds, was black as jet and red-eyed. The rider...oh, I knew who the rider was. Dark and muscular, He was easy on the restive horse. His long black hair whipped around his face, and the smile which bared sharp white teeth did not reach his sea-green eyes. King of the forest, He wore a crown - antlered like the king stag. I sank to my knees. The face of the God was terrible...beautiful.

My eyes filled with tears.

Cernunnos studied us both for a moment, then He addressed Rice. "Who are you to hunt in My wood? Who are you to claim one of My own?"

"Who are you?" Rice demanded, arrogant to the end. Or perhaps he just didn' t know.

"I am Lord of the Hunt and God of Shadows." The voice had a raspy, animal quality. For a moment the God watched us, the He held out His hand to Rice.

"You," He said, pointing at the man.

The hounds moved towards Rice who backed away. "You can't do this!" he shouted as he began to run. "Don't you know who I am?" The hounds were close on his heels as he fled the clearing.

The Hunter reigned in His horse and it reared up, its great hoofs close to my head. "You are no stranger to the gates, Redhair, but by My will you have no, in this life, passed through them. I tell you this - the next time we meet, I will take you."

He threw back His head and laughed, and the big horse leaped forward, galloping towards the sound of the baying pack.

I was alone. I sank onto the cool grass and slept.

Bodie found me asleep in the clearing. "Ray!" He shook me awake. "You all right?"

"'m fine." The sun was rising. "Wha's the time?"

"Early. I couldn't find you - I was following you, then you weren't anywhere. I couldn't find you in my mind. I was terrified you were dead."

He sank down beside m onto the damp cushion of grass and fallen leaves.

"Don't ever do that to me again."

I was momentarily indignant. "I didn't plan it." Then I began to laugh, and Bodie laughed with me. We laughed until we cried.

Somewhat recovered, I edged closer to him. "I can't ever do that again," I whispered. "Not for anything." Then I began to kiss Bodie's face, revelling in the touch of warmth and life. "I was so lost..."

Bodie's hands eased me out of my clothes, and wherever they touched me, they brought back life. I felt reborn.

Afterwards, we stood and brushed ourselves off.

"What happened to Rice?" Bodie asked as we walked back to his car.

"It's a long story, Bodie."

"I've a lot of time. Did you know Kollo's dead?"

did I know? Dear God...

"Yes," I said. Then I remembered what Sasha had promised. I looked for him, and found him in the ruins of his room.

There has to be a better way than this I observed.

It's not forever. I'll let go soon enough.

You're welcome though I told him quite honestly.

I have to find him. It's not finished between us.

"Ray?"

"Huh?"

"You were a million miles away just now. What's up?"

I thought about it for a few moments. "I'll tell you all about it, but not just now, all right? Not just this minute."

Bodie's arm tightened around my waist and we walked on in silence.

--Mabon 1983

---

Cat Among the Pigeons

I wasn't happy about it.

Cowley'd assigned me to work with Bodie. What's that you say? Yeh, six months ago I'd 'ave jumped at the chance. Would've made a right prat of myself, too, wouldn't I? But then, six months ago I'd've done a lot of things I wouldn't do now.

Worst part of it is, it was a stakeout assignment which meant that no matter how difficult things were between us, we were stuck together for twelve hours at a time, for as long as it took. Or until we killed each other.

I thought about refusing, but considering me recent record it wouldn't have been a good idea. I thought about appealing to Cowley's better nature, but he hasn't one. And then I thought: I'll have to make the best of it.

Nobody ever died of shame. Don't think they did, anyway.

You see, there was a time I would have sold me old gran for a chance to be alone with Bodie. And I would have kept at him until I had what I wanted, or had a black eye out of it. But I'm smarter than I used to be...I hope, and I realised if I could prove to him the old Murphy - the one he seemed to like - was back, well perhaps we could be friends again.

I knew the reason he was on stakeout was because he'd cracked a rib a few weeks back, and wasn't up to the more athletic assignments. (Doyle, by the way, was escorting a Danish diplomat - a beautiful Danish diplomat - to some disarmament conference.) Anyway, I thought my best course would be a little sympathetic attention.

"How you feeling?" I asked when I walked into the bed-sit we were going to be working in.

"Like hell, thank you very much."

Not to be deterred, I asked if there was anything I could do to make him more comfortable and told him I'd take first watch if he wanted to rest.

"I'm not an old man, Murph, I can still pull my weight. I'll take first watch."

O-kay.

Later I made the mistake of trying to commiserate with him over the assignment. "Shame you pulled this when Doyle had the plum, innit?"

"Why don't you just go piss up a rope, Murph?"

swell, I thought. I'm stuck here with a raving lunatic who loathes me.

We changed watch and I had ample time to sit and think about life, the universe and everything. It wasn't fair of Cowley to insist on this pairing. He knew things weren't right between Bodie and myself. Christ, we 'd both as much told him so. It was pure madness, I thought. He had to prove something.

And Bodie! There was no reason he couldn't have made a stab at being civil to me, at least. I was trying to help, after all. Why I cared what the bad tempered bastard thought of me was beyond my comprehension.

Then it hit me - Ray must have told him about us, about our...well, it was hardly an affair, thought it was more than just a one- off. Ray must have confessed. Wonderful. Just what I needed in this situation. I was stuck in a tiny room with the man I cuckolded. That I hadn't woken up with my throat cut was a surprise.

I worried at the subject for several hours and managed to convince myself that I was just a poor, misunderstood lad who had only ever tried to do his best...

And that was when my sense of humour and my sense of proportion both reasserted themselves. Bodie had been feeling low and my solicitousness had rubbed him the wrong way, no doubt. And Ray, if he told Bodie about us, had every right to. It wasn't as if I was ashamed of what had happened between us. On the contrary, it was and is one of my most precious memories.

And Cowley...the old fox knew if Bodie and I spent this many hours together in a place the size of a biscuit box, we'd work things out or kill each other.

Either way he'd be quit of the problem by the end of the assignment.

I was feeling very much better when Bodie shoved a mug of tea at me. "You' re smiling," he observed. "Something funny?"

"Yeh, me." I took the mug.

"'s a relief," he muttered. "You're so boring when you're abject."

My mouthful of tea sprayed the telescope base. "That bad?" I asked, as I cleaned up.

"You can't imagine. I expected to wake up to hair shirts and flagellation.

Mea culpa, you know?"

"You slept through it. I run through guilt very fast these days."

He laughed and offered me a sandwich.

The rest of the shift was pleasant enough. When Taylor and Taff showed up to relieve us, Bodie suggested we go off to his local. "Might 'ave a bite too. I hate CI5 rations."

In the end, we picked up supper and went back to their flat. "Easier to talk," as Bodie put it.

"Not to be abject again," I began as he shared out the chips, "but I do owe you an apology for what happened at the inn. I had no right to take anyone else's form to get what I wanted."

"Apology noted and accepted. Light or dark meat?"

"Bit of both." He put several pieces of chicken on my plate and passed it to me. "And for everything else I've done in the last two years. Can we start over?"

"You saying you're sorry for sleeping with Ray?"

"So he did tell you. No, I'm not. That was not covered in my blanket apology."

"I respect that," he told me. "And I accept it, too. All right, we'll start over. Hello, I'm Bodie. Nice to meet you."

"Hello Bodie, I'm Murphy."

He grinned at me and I began to laugh.

We talked for several hours. I told him about what life had been like for me since my talent started manifesting. "I can empathize," he said, and I thought about what it must have been like for him to deal with something so frightening and seductive as his power. For the first time, I think, I felt grateful for my own power and its limitations.

"It drives Cowley mad," he admitted, speaking about the problems he was having with focus. "If he asks me to do something straightforward like stop a villain, there's no problem. Getaway car won't start or something. But in a situation where the...ethics are less well-defined, I have problems. You remember the Landauer case last month?"

I nodded and snatched some chips from his plate.

"Well, Cowley and Landauer both knew that unless we could produce Landauer's girlfriend to testify, Landauer would walk. So Cowley asked me to make Landauer believe the woman was in custody and telling us everything. He hoped to provoke a confession. What happened was that everyone in the building also thought Sallie was in custody, and Helm ran in and told Cowley that she'd just signed a statement implicating Landauer not only in the bombings here in London, but the ones in Paris and Bonn as well. At which point Landauer demanded to see her and Cowley told Helm to bring her to the interrogation room."

"What happened?"

"I stopped everyone in their tracks," he confessed, rolling his eyes. "Then I made them all forget the last ten minutes and we began again."

"I don't have problems of the magnitude, thank God."

Later he spoke about living with Ray. "I wasn't sure it would work at first," he confessed. "Cowley once said we were chalk and cheese and he wasn't far wrong. But I wouldn't give this up for anything." Then he smiled. "I don't think the occasional, ah, side attraction is out of place in our relationship, though," he said, rather pointedly. "When he told me what had happened between the two of you, my first thought was 'bloody typical.' But I haven't been lily-white either. So when I realised I had nothing to angry about, I was curious. Asked him what you were like, didn't I?"

I could feel a flush creep up into my cheeks.

"I suppose I should find out for myself."

"Offer's still on," I told him.

He leaned forward and kissed me very softly on the mouth. "There. Didn't kill either of us, did it?"

"Quite the contrary."

We kissed again, and I knew this was just the beginning.

"I have a favour to ask. Will you let me become you for a few minutes?"

he blinked in surprise. "Why?"

"I want to know you better. It's a way of learning about other people.

Shortcut, really. If you don't want me to, it's all right. It is fairly...intimate," I said, for lack of a better word. It was intimate only for the shape shifter so far as I knew.

"If it helps. Go ahead."

I shut my eyes and took Bodie's shape. As always, his personality was there, waiting for me to open the door. This was the first time I'd dared let him in even a little way.

It was a revelation on several levels. I felt what he felt for me, and was both surprised and pleased. I was important to him - I was a friend and he had few of those. But it was Bodie's attitude towards himself which was the greatest shock. I learned that his arrogance self-assurance was mostly on the surface. I should have expected it; I'd always known he had a centre of marshmallow crme. But the uncertainty...this was no superman, no matter how powerful he was. He was as human...

No...not as human as Ray or I. What was this? Something elusive and fey. I' d never suspected - could never suspect anything like this.

"Thee is given a gift," said a strange voice. "Keep it safe."

I changed back and opened my eyes.

"That was amazing," Bodie told me. "Gave me an odd feeling to watch you...me.

Did you find out all my secrets?"

"If I did, I've forgotten most of them." It was true - very little of his personality remained in my conscious mind. If I knew him better now, it was on an instinctive level. "There is one thing I don't quite understand - who 's Gwydion?"

he chuckled softly. "I'll tell you all about him one day, I promise. Right now, there's far more interesting things to do with our mouths." He pushed me down onto the carpet, resting his forearms on either side of my head, and bent to kiss me. I could feel his erection through our clothes.

"I'd rather do this in a bed," I confessed, and he sat up, flushed and excited, and grimaced.

"Puttin' me off..."

"No I'm not. We haven't even started, Bodie." I stood up and pulled him to his feet. "This isn't any five minutes on the floor of the lounge and thanks ever so. This is special."

We went into the bedroom and undressed. Then I put my arms around him and tripped him so we both fell onto the bed.

"Mind the ribs, sunshine," he warned.

"Sorry, you all right?"

he nodded.

I nibbled one ear, and down the strong neck, feeling a slow, steady pulse of life under my lips. I tasted his shoulder, curved and muscular under the most satiny skin I've ever touched. Over his chest, pausing to tongue each of the tiny, dark-rose coloured nipples; flat belly; straining cock. I took him in my mouth and he moaned my name - I'd dreamed of this moment - just the two of us making love. Somehow it didn't matter that I couldn't keep him, that he wasn't mine. We were touching on a deeper, more enduring level now.

"Wait, wait..." He pushed me away. "I want you inside me," he said. I had no objection. My God, this morning I'd wondered if we would ever be friends again!

It was...beyond description. It wasn't so much sex as a mystical experience, as - for me at least - a realisation that I had come through intact. I was healed, I was whole. I was home. There was nothing more to fear from life, and no reason to try to hold on to something I could never really have.

I held Bodie while we slept. And she came into my sleep again - Madame Ojuka. She was wearing red. "I'm not sorry for the gift I gave," she told me. "Though I do regret the pain it has caused you."

"Gift?"

"I was the catalyst for your power. Without me, it might never have manifested. I did not know this at the time. It could not be helped."

"I suppose I have reason to thank you."

"As well as curse me. Think kindly of me if you are able. We shall meet again, I think."

"I look forward to it," I said, quite honestly.

"Blessed Be, Kieran Murphy."

I hesitated only a moment. "Blessed Be."

I don't know how long I slept, but I was awakened by movement beside me.

Then I heard the front door open and shut.

"It's Ray," Bodie whispered. "I didn't think he'd be home until morning."

Oh no, I thought. It can't end this way. I could hear Ray calling out.

"Bodie, you home?" He approached the bedroom.

I panicked. I turned into a woman.

"God, no, not a woman!" Bodie hissed.

"Bodie?" The door began to open, and I did the only thing I could think of.

I turned into Bodie.

Ray walked in and flipped on the light. There were two Bodie's in his bed.

He stopped short and stared at us for a moment, then an evil smile spread across his face.

"An embarrassment of riches," he observed. "I assume one of you is Murphy.

I hope one of you is Murphy," he added, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Bodie began to laugh weakly. "I've heard of auto-eroticism," he began.

"But this is ridiculous," Ray finished.

I changed back. "Stupid thing to do."

"It was different, I'll give you that. So, you two have worked out your problems, have you?" He looked from me to Bodie and back again.

"Apparently," Bodie offered.

"Well, are you going to invite me to join you or am I going to have to sit outside until you're finished?"

we both moved forward and grabbed Ray, dragging him down into the rumpled sheets. We undressed him and made love to him together, and afterwards we held him between us.

"Lovely...both of you. It was wonderful. Thank you," he said, kissing me and then Bodie, who buried his face in Ray's curls.

"No," I said. "Thank you...both of you. You've taught me some things no one else could have done."

Bodie arranged the pillows more comfortably. "Such as?"

Ray slid a leg over my hip.

"Mostly you've reminded me that I'm a valuable person..."

"About fifty pee on the open market," Bodie quipped. He was always uncomfortable with too much open emotion. And I was feeling emotional.

"And I found out what a sod you are," I added.

"A poor thing, but mine own," Ray remarked, patting Bodie's hand.

"And I realised I love you both."

In the moments that followed, I knew that Bodie couldn't respond. Ray did it for both of us.

"An' we love you too, Murph. We always have - even when you were at your worst."

"Especially when you were at your worst," Bodie added, and despite his cynical smile, I knew he really meant it. They were part of me. I was home.

--Samhain 1983

---

Discovered In a Litterbox

---Being the thoughts of Beelzebub Doyle as told to Fanny Adams over catnip---

'If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.'
- Mark Twain.

Bein' a cat is hard work. Lots of folks think we do nothin' but lay about all day, tossin' down mice like the Queen of bleedin' Sheba. 'aven't a clue, keep our humans amused. Full-time job for some of us, it is. All that 'Darlin'' this and 'Sweet little moggy' that an' 'Come and purr for me, kitty.' Just like little kids. And always rushin' off to the vet over nothing. Yeh, my human does that. Little cut on the foot and 'e's off. Could 'ave told him a bit of cat spit'd put it right, but I don't expect he' d 'ave listened.

My human? That's Bodie I'm talkin' about. I do have a soft spot for him. Handsome bloke...oh, you think so too? Make a good cat with that face. (High praise indeed! F.A.)

Bodie's a sport. Lets me sleep with 'im - even lets me sleep on top of him. Generous with the food too, and not prone to all that sick-making talk. You know - 'Is iddy-widdy kitsy hungry-wungry?' Bleah. Though lately 'Who's a handsome boy, then?' 'as got on me nerves a bit. Doesn't he know which one of us is better-lookin'?

Yeah, I have another human - name of Ray. Never met him, but I know all about him. Looks a bit cat-like too, though no self-respectin' feline'd go about fur all standin' on end like that. Year, I've seen snaps of 'im. Bodie has some tucked into the bedroom mirror - Ray squintin' into the sun in Ibiza where they went on holiday one year. Looks a bit like me, Ray does, though not 'alf so sleek.

If I was the type to hold a grudge, Ray'd be for it. Near got me killed once. Got himself shot up, didn't he? Careless bastard. Come to think of it, though, we did meet briefly then, but not in this world.

Eh? Astral travel? I dunno. It's just the Other Place. I go there often. Cat's do, you know. We have our paws in a lot of different places. Who was it said: 'He lives in the half-lights in secret places, free and alone...'? (It was Margaret Benson. F.A.) Anyway, that's us.

I could quote you a hundred other cat proverbs, but I think it goes without sayin' that cats are a superior species. Oh yeh, humans are nice too. I'm fond of individual ones. As a group, though, they have a bit of trouble keepin' in their place.

It's like I said before - nobody appreciates how hard we work. We stay up at night guardin' over our people, an- we're up early help with the work - nobody folds a towel or makes a bed like we can. So why begrudge us a couple of hours sittin' in the sun?

My humans have a special reason to be grateful to me. If it wasn't for me, they'd never have met Niniane...sorry, Colette and the others.

An, Niniane. Pretty little thing. Always did 'ave a weakness for the dainty little part-Siamese ladies...hmmm? Sorry. I was just thinkin' about - well, never mind.

Yeh, I've seen a good bit of life. Cat of the world, you know. But to tell the truth, I like living with Bodie and Ray and Pansy - she's a bit young for me; nice kid, though.

I'd better be off. It's nearly time to wake the lads. I think this time I' ll lick the soles of Bodie's feet.

--Yule 1983

-- THE END --

Originally published as a zine anthology, Bound in Leather Press, c.1986

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