Dramatis personae:

Major George Cowley--Head of C.I.5
Raymond "Deadeye" Doyle--a new recruit
William "Bodiecup" Bodie--another new recruit
Paidraic Murphisha--yet another new recruit. (They work best in Trios)
Pitti-Betti--Cowley's secretary
Nosy-Rotter--a blackmailer

---

ACT 1

The overture is playing as the curtain rises. Obviously you can't hear it on paper, so I suggest you hum your favorite tune. If you can't think of one, the Anvil Chorus might be nice.

Scene: George Cowley's office, deep in the bowels (ugh) of CI5. The chorus of agents is working around him, doing agenty things. George is shuffling papers and talking on the phone. You can stop humming now.

George hangs up.

Song--Head of CIS (to the tune of "Major-General")

Geo:

I am the very model of a modern head of CI5,
I've information sensitive on almost everyone alive.
I know the peers and ministers and all of their quirks and vanities
Like dressing up in petticoats and wearing leather pa-ni-ties.

Chorus:

Like dressing up in petticoats and wearing leather pa- ni-ties.

Geo:

I'm very well acquainted with matters frankly sexual.
I'm up on deviations tho' my interest's intellectual.
About nocturnal habits I'm teeming with a lot o'news,
Like who is selling secrets and who's having an affair with who.
I'm very good with tape machines both video and audio,
I'm Georgie-on-the-spot recording every fact that's naughty-o,
Kraft-Ebbing could have learned a bit about all of our basic drives
Consulting with this model of a modern head of CI5.

Chorus:

Kraft-Ebbing could have learned a bit about all of our basic drives
Consulting with this model of a modern head of CIS.

George: I wonder where those new recruits are. (He pushes a button on the intercom.) Pitti-Betti, are the new recruits in your office?

Pitti-Betti: Yes sir. Shall I send them in?

Geo: You're a good girl, Betti. (He switches off the intercom.) Sometimes.

The door opens and the new recruits enter. They are "Deadeye" Doyle, "Bodiecup" and Murphisha.

TRIO to "Three Little Maids from School"

Recruits:

Three little spies from school are we,
Sharp as a spy can ever be,
Filled to the brim with covert glee,
Three little spies from school!

Doyle:

Spying is such enormous fun!

Bodie:

No secret's safe for we spare none.

Murph:

Security is our number one...

All 3:

(Boisterously) Three little spies from school!

(They begin to dance around the office)

Three little spies who all are merry,
Fresh from an agent's seminary,
With knowledge of things incendiary,
Three little spies from school!

Bodie:

This little spy is the handsome one.

Doyle:

This little spy totes a deadly gun.

Murph:

This little spy is an adm'ral's son.

All 3:

(demurely) Three little spies from school.

Murph:

From three little spies take one away.

Bodie:

Two little spies remain and they

Doyle:

Won't have to wait very long to slay.

All 3:

Three little spies from school!

(They dance, knocking over chairs and files)

Three little spies who all are merry,
Fresh from an agent's seminary,
Licensed for situations hairy,
Three little spies from school ...
Three little spies... from school!

Things settle down a bit.

Murph: What a silly song. I wonder what it all means.

Bodie and Doyle (in unison): It's a secret.

Geo: I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here today.

All 3: No sir!

Geo: What?

All 3: We mean, Yes Sir!

Geo: That's better. Our government is in grave danger gentlemen. There is a blackmailer at work at the very highest levels, demanding state secrets and lots of cash in return for his continuing silence on the subject of the peculiarities of some cabinet ministers. Now secrets we have aplenty, but we're running out of money and that's where you come in.

Doyle: I don't have any money either.

Geo: You mistake me. I want each of you to be blackmailed. You were chosen for your checkered backgrounds.

Murph: But ... we're clean, sir.

Geo: Oh yes? Bodie...

The room begins to go all hazy.

Bodie: Oh, no! Not a flashback!!

Flashback to Bodie's ship. A chorus of sailors, who look a lot like the chorus of agents, are doing sailor-ish things

Ship's chorus

We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty.
We're lusty men it's true,
And we never shirk our duty;
Our reputation's not
As spotless as it ought;
We'd fondle the mizzen they say.
Though it's not strictly true,
Not all of us do
We sure ain't all work and no play!

Recitative... go look it up Hail merchanter's men -- traders of your nation,
Here is an end to this week's harsh privation.
You've got your pay - spare all you can afford
To keep our little Bodiecup on board.

Bodie enters in tight breeches and a flouncy white shirt open to the waist. He looks delectably cabinboy-ish. The temperature on board rises several degrees.

Aria--to "I'm Called Little Buttercup"

I'm called little Bodiecup - yeah, little Bodiecup.
Want to make something of it?
The guys call me Bodiecup - sweet little Bodiecup,
My favor - they all covet.

I'll play games perverted, I'm not disconcerted
When a sailor gives me the eye.
If he lusts in his heart, when I play the tart;
He'll lay down... his money and buy.

I'm sweet and I'm willing, they tell me I'm thrilling,
As alluring prone as supine.
I know when to wiggle, and I've a sly giggle,
The tricks of the trade are all mine.

So come and pay Bodiecup - he'll help you get it up.
Jack Tars should never be shy.
Under these breeches, an arse sweet as peaches:
The best part of Bodiecup buy!

Flashback ends and the agents turn on fans in the office to clear out the haze.

Doyle: 's warm in here. You never told me that story.

Bodie shrugs.

Geo: And you Doyle, your qualifications are hardly less interesting.

The air grows thick again and several of the chorus groan audibly.

Doyle: No! No flashbacks. I'll confess.

Song - To "The Ruler of the Queen's Navee"

When I was a lad I served some time
For taking a small part in a few petty crimes.
In prison I reformed and learned a lot of things,
And organized some juvenile protection rings.

Chorus:

He organized some juvenile protection rings.

I organized the lads so carefulee
That they sent me to the CI5 academee!

Chorus:

He organized the lads so carefulee
That they sent him to the CI5 academee.

I worked for the warden and I made such a mark
That he gave me the position of his office clerk.
I greeted all the visitors with friendly smiles
And xeroxed all the documents for my own files.

Chorus:

He xeroxed al the documents for his own files.

I xeroxed all the warden's files so carefulee
That they had to set me free for the academee.

Chorus:

He xeroxed all the warden's files so carefulee
That they had to set him free for the acadamee!

Bodie: Enterprising lad. I'm impressed.

Murph: What about me, sir? I'm just a navy brat; nothing to tell.... except:

Song - to "Monarch of the Sea"

My dad's the monarch of the sea.
The ruler of the Queen's navee.
He expects me to wear his pants,
But I prefer the comp'ny of my sisters and my aunts.

All:

But he prefers the comp'ny of his sisters and his aunts!

I'm always at my best
When I choose my style of dress;
I don't give a fig for daddy's taunts
I borrow splendid frocks from my sisters and my aunts!

All:

He borrows splendid frocks from his sisters and his aunts.

To make a man of me,
I'm at this acadamee,
But my dearest wish you're about to grant--
You're asking me to dress just like my sisters and my aunts?

All:

We're asking you to dress just like your sisters and your aunts,
Your sisters and your aunts who aren't fond of wearing pants.
Sisters and aunts!

Murph: Oh boy, oh boy!

Doyle: I begin to see why you chose us for this assignment, sir, but just as a point of information, what's so different about what the blackmailer does from what we do... sir? (He smiles seraphically)

George draws himself up in his chair and glares at them.

Song - to "The Law is the True Embodiment..."

The squad is the true embodiment
Of everything expedient.
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, my lads, am head of it all.
The constitutional guardian, I
Of morals in both the low and high.
A disagreeable task, I confess,
But our country's in one hell of a mess.
The means we use you may decry,
But ultimately the end they justify.

All: Whew!

Bodie: That's heavy duty stuff. Did you think it up yourself?

Geo: It's acceptable bureaucratic thinking, lad. I have precedents. Now here is the setup. Bodie, you are going to pretend to be Japanese-

Bodie: No problem. (He clears his throat and begins to sing:)

If you want to know who I am, I'm a gentleman of Japan. Good enough?

Geo: Perfect- Murphisha, you will pose as a transvestite minister without portfolio.

Doyle: Sort of a minister with petticoat, eh? What about me?

Geo: You are going to pose as a rival blackmailer.

Doyle: Sounds like a good set-up. Does this blackmailer have a name?

Geo: Nosy-Rotter-

Doyle: Well, excuse me all to hell, I was just asking.

Geo: Denis Nosy-Rotter. Here's his file.

They take the file and study it. Doyle looks at the photograph.

Doyle: Hit with an ugly stick!

Bodie: Hey, a man is but a man whether he hoists his flag at the mainstruck or his slacks on the main-deck.

Murphy: That's deep.

Geo: It's Gilbert and Sullivan, actually. Doyle, you'll be pretending to blackmail the other two.

Doyle: Can do. By the way, what name will Bodie be using... in case I don't recognize him?

Geo: Pooh-Bear.

There is a snort of laughter from somewhere in the office.

Doyle: I see. (To Bodie) Suits you, actually.

Geo: Study the file carefully before you begin. Dismissed.

The three exit to a reprise of "Three Little Spies."

---

ACT 2

Nosy-Rotter's flat, a dismal affair filled with spying devices... rather like CI5, actually.

Nosy-Rotter: It's been a busy week in London. I have enough dirt to assure my retirement. Now I can begin to blackmail people for fun. And if they don't pay up...well, who'd miss the sort of people I'd be dealing with anyway?

Song - to "The List Song"

N-R:

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I've got a little list, I've got a little list,
Of people who offend me who might part with the odd pound
And it never would be missed... and THEY never would be missed . There are folks who take your money yet won't produce a zine.
And the writers who think editors are only being mean,
The folks who bring their kids to cons and let them wander loose,
And the people who bring dogs about the size of a small moose,
Folks who on talking without thinking just INSIST!
Their money won't be missed - They surely won't be missed.

A paper is slipped under the door as N-R is finishing his song.

N-R: What's this? (he picks up the paper and reads.) 'If you want to see something really gross go to Picadilly Circus tonight at seven. A Patriot.' Hmmm. (he considers this for a few moments.) I did say I was going to quit my political career... but this sounds too good to be true. I have to go.

He gathers up his cameras and tape recorders and rushes out.

---

ACT 3

George's office again. Chorus of agents still hanging about, smoking cigarettes and drinking tea.

Geo: I'd better check up on those new recruits. Agents get into all sorts of hot water if you don't stay on top of them all the time.

Song - to "A Policeman's Lot..."

Geo: When an agent's not engaged in his employment

All: His employment,

Geo: Or maturing his undercover plans

All: 'cover plans,

Geo: His capacity for mischief is enormous

All: it's enormous!

Geo: Far greater than in ordinary man.

All: 'nary man.

Geo: Misgivings I with difficulty smother,

All: 'culty smother,

Geo: I can't check up on every single one.

All: single one.

Geo: Ah, take one consideration with another.

All: with another,

Geo: A controller's lot is not a happy one.

All: He can't check up on every single one,
single one.
A controller's lot is not a happy one.
happy one.

Geo: When the enterprising agent ain't a-agenting,

All: a-agenting,

Geo: When our spies too long have been out in the cold,

All: they have colds?

Geo: They're boisterous as a pack of rams a-rutting,

All: rams a-rutting,

Geo: And it doesn't do me any good to scold. All: good to scold.

Geo: Misgivings I with difficulty smother,

All: 'culty smother,

Geo: I can't check up on every single one;

All: single one;

Geo: So I threaten that I'm gonna tell their mother.

All: he's a mutha.

Geo: This controller's lot is not an easy one.

All: He can't check up on every single one,
single one,
Our controller's lot is not an easy one.
easy one.

Geo: It's just about time for Nosy-Rotter to catch them all in the act. I think I'll go along to Picadilly Circus and see they don't cock it up.

---

ACT 4

Picadilly Circus. The troops are assembled, Bodie in kimono, Doyle in patched jeans and Murphisha in a cunning little cocktail dress and pillbox hat. Nosy-Rotter is lurking around the edges of the stage. (You didn't think it was really Picadilly Circus, did you? This is a comic opera, remember? We don't have the budget for location shoots.)

The Blackmail Song - to "Here's a How-De-Do"

Doyle:

Here's a how-de-do!
If I blackmail you,
When your time has come to perish
Then the pay-off which I cherish
Will be ended too!
Here's a how-de-do!

Murphisha:

Here's a pretty mess!
In a month or less,
I must die or pay for sinning,
Either way this prat is winning.
I'm in great distress!
Here's a pretty mess!

Bodie:

Here's a state of things!
If to life he clings.
He the piper has to pay,
Unless someone can save the day,
And pull a couple strings.
Here's a state of things!

There's a bit more singing on the part of the chorus who are lurking unobtrusively around the edges of the stage. Nosy-Rotter oozes out from among them.

Nosy Rotter: Wait! Hold everything.

All singing stops. (Thank goodness)

N-R: I know all. (gasps of disbelief) I have observed you long enough to know that you, Doyle, also known as Dead-Eye, are a foul blackmailer! (Doyle shrinks back in horror, shoots a conspiratorial grin at Bodie and Murph.) And you! (N-R points an accusing finger at Murphisha) are an even fouler blackmail victim! (Murph curtsies) And you (he bellows in sepulchral tones) are NOT JAPANESE!! (Bodie makes a little bow and murmurs 'bakayaro' under his breath) For the sake of your immortal souls, I have exposed this. Now, for your further salvation, I am going to require a monthy payment of five hundred pounds... in cash please, no checks, IMOs, IRCs or BBCs.

Murphisha: But... that's blackmail... isn't it?

N-R: (Thinks about it) I suppose it is, technically. But I'm only doing this for your own good. (To Bodie) You'll think twice about pretending to be Japanese next time, won't you?

Before he can collect, Cowley and the rest of the squad emerge crowd.

Cowley: Nosy-Rotter, your schemes have come to naught! (N-R shrinks back in horror this time.) In the name of the queen, and several other important people whose names I am not at liberty to disclose, I place you under arrest!

N-R: But... but. This can't be the way it ends for me. Can it?

Cowley: It can and it has, lad. Society cannot stand idly by and allow blackmailers to go about their business! Besides, the librettist is getting tired of this story. (He leads N-R offstage to the tune of "The Squad is the True Embodiment".)

N-R: I don't suppose you'd make a deal?

Cowley: I thought we could discuss that over tea.

-- FINIS --

(and about time too!)