It all started the night in the pub after we'd collected the 180. Ray and me finally gettin' together I mean.

Funny how things started to change between us then now I come to think of it...with him bein' so wrapped up in Cathy Mason at the time.

Not that that night was so unusual on the surface. We'd always played around and camped it up a bit. It was second nature to us by that time, but it'd been goin' on so long I didn't see it as anythin' special anymore...not on Ray's part anyway, much as I'd always wanted it to be.

Yeah, no two ways about it, there was a definite change in him that night. No one else would've noticed it--it was too subtle for that--but I did. And it shook me up all the more 'cos he'd been so busy doin' his love's young dream act with Cathy all night...

I'd been feelin' pretty low actually. Before Maria came along it'd looked like it was gonna be one of the lousiest nights ever, what with Jo managin' to get herself drunk on two glasses of wine, and Ray and Cathy busy makin' eyes at each other...

I was still in the middle of doin' my bit with Maria, havin' realized Jo was a complete wash-out, when Ray and Cathy decided to leave, and on his way out, the little sod came right up to me...so bloody close he took my breath away, and stood right in front of me, pressin' himself against me...

"I think she wants to go home to bed," he said, all confidential-like, noddin' at Jo, who was still slumped at the table in the corner. And that was a pretty pointless remark for a start. I mean, we could all see Jo needed to be taken home. He wasn't tellin' me anything I didn't already know. The rivalry was all there of course as usual, and he was tryin' to niggle me by pointin' out how good his night was gonna be compared to mine, but it was suddenly as if he was tryin' to tell me somethin' quite different from what he was actually sayin' too. It was more the the normal havin' a go stuff. He's never admitted it in so many words, but I'll swear there was an undercurrent of 'Yeah, OK, we both know I'm goin' home with Cathy, and I'm gonna sleep with her too, given half a chance, but wouldn't it be interestin' if it was you and me instead' from him too...

Not that I was actively thinkin' of any of that at the time. I was too busy tryin' to get over the fact he was practically touchin' me up in public. Honest, without a word of a lie...he was standin' so close that for a second we were glued together, hip to hip, and all points south. There was even a bony little knee pushin' in between mine. And I was gettin' whiff after whiff of the new aftershave I'd assumed he was wearin' for Cathy's benefit too.

He even slid his arm around me. I could feel those hot little fingers of his curlin' round my waist...

What made it even crazier was that Cathy and Maria were standin' watchin' at the time, barely a foot away from us. But he just turned his back on them as if they weren't there, gave me one of those special looks of his, and, for a split second, it was like we'd shut the rest of the world out, including the girls.

Christ, it felt...can't begin to describe how it felt...what a thrill it gave me. All I can remember thinkin' was that I couldn't let him know how it was affectin' me, but I reckon he must have known he was gettin' me worked up. There's no way he could have missed my heart poundin' away against his...

It was over in a flash, and then he was gone, but as I say, it really jolted me up. Ray's not a toucher, you see. I wasn't even used to him maulin' his girlfriends much in public...he's never been what you'd call overly-affectionate...and there he was, virtually huggin' me in a crowded pub, and with a couple of girls lookin' on for good measure.

Weird, specially when I reminded myself how he was gonna try and make Cathy that night. That was what got me wonderin' why he did it in the first place, 'cos all the signs were there with Cathy. He was doin' all the right things...you know, payin' a lot of attention to her...all that business. And I remember he took a lot of trouble over his appearance that night. When Ray wears a suit--on average about twice a year--you know he means business. Yeah, he was lookin' his best that night. Really tryin'. Not that he needed to try that hard, anyway. She was all over him from the word go. At the time I thought she was crazy about him, but of course I know better now. Well, we both do, after that way the Preston business turned out.

Course, Ray had a few drinks inside him that night, like we all did, but that didn't explain why he'd mauled me about in public either. He can hold his drink can Ray, probably better than me if the truth were known...

Thank God neither of the girls seemed to see it as anythin' out of the ordinary though. I remember they just grinned indulgently at us--you know, the way women do when they're in a "let's humour them, they're all kids at heart..." kind of mood. Didn't seem anythin' at all to them, but it was to me...

I knew it was calculated, you see. I knew the little devil had planned it. I knew he was tryin' to tell me somethin' by doin' it too, but still bein' a bit slow on the uptake at the time, I couldn't work out what it was. I have to admit it took a while to work it out too, but I can't be blamed for that. It wasn't somethin' I'd ever believed could happen between us, you see, even though Ray's always been one for flauntin' himself.

Loves to test the effect he can have on people and see how far he can go without gettin' himself into somethin' he can't handle, does Ray. He's always been like that, as long as I've known him...specially with me. It was a game we played. More a competitive thing at first...you know, needlin' each other all the time...but it'd turned into more than that long before the Preston case. By then I admit it was more a roundabout way of showin' our affection for each other without seemin' limp wristed about it...on my side at least...though I wasn't even admittin' that to myself at the time. So terrified of what I was really feelin' for him, you see. And always too busy concentratin' on givin' as good as I got and not lettin' him get the upper hand either, 'cos he's impossible to deal with once he knows he's got control. And as I say, it was just a game. We both knew the rules, and neither of us minded it 'cos we always made sure we kept it within clearly defined limits. I got a kick out of it just like he did.

But that night in the pub...

---

It was all downhill after he'd gone, of course. I couldn't get him out of my mind, even while I was tryin' to chat up Maria before she went back on for her next number. And it wasn't easy because I had Jo to cope with at the same time.

Course he knew what he was doin' in that respect too. I reckon he was tryin' to give me so much to think about I couldn't possibly get past first base with Maria. The possessive streak, you see. He's always been like that. He didn't want me to sleep with Maria, even though he was goin' home with Cathy.

I worked hard on Maria, really I did, even though I'd lost interest. All I could think about was what Ray'd done before he left, and what he was gettin' up to with Cathy...

Trouble was, I felt so bloody desolate without him. I tried with Maria, honest, and I know she fancied me, but I couldn't have cared less.

That's what he does to me. And he affected me like that long before we became lovers. He only had to start carryin' on the way he did in the pub to make me realize no one else'd do. He well and truly killed things stone dead for me that night, which was what I reckoned he'd wanted to do all along. But I couldn't help it. He'd been spoilin' me for anyone else for far too long and it was gettin' harder and harder to take.

I knew he cared for me, of course...in his own crazy way. I'd never have put up with his antics if I hadn't known that. And I always made allowances for him 'cos I reckoned I understood him so well and knew why he did it.

He's always had a very proprietary air about the people he cares for, has Ray. He needs to know that you're 'his.' Once he's sure 'bout that he feels safe and reckons he can go out and play the field, as long as he's certain whoever else is important to him is waitin' on the sidelines.

Insecurity--that's Ray's problem. And what the majority of people are prepared to settle for in life has never been enough for him. He has to have more just to be on the safe side. A bit like takin' out extra insurance on a house or a car, only he does it with people instead.

And I'd fitted the bill so perfectly for so long...

Not that I minded, even then, just as long as I knew he's always be around too, which he always had been.

Now there's a thing for me to admit to. Me...love 'em and leave 'em Bodie, who prides himself on never gettin' involved with anyone, and yet Ray could twist me round his little finger any time he wanted.

I chose to let it carry on though, 'cos I knew he was never completely sure of me either. I'm pretty good at covering just how much things mean to me, and I reckon he thought I was very much in control and could've put a stop to the games any time I wanted. Which I couldn't, but he wasn't to know.

And up to the Preston case I'd made a conscious decision that if the time came when he did find out I was beyond putting the brakes on, I'd want out, because he only takes advantage when he has that kind of power, and I wouldn't have been able to cope anymore.

Course, things're different now, but I'm jumpin' a bit ahead of myself...

---

To get back to that particular night...

I managed to get Jo home eventually, and then went back for Maria, and it was...OK... Not earth-shattering, you understand, but I was used to that. It hadn't been earth-shattering for me with a woman for a long time, thanks to Ray. But it was fine in its own way. And it's easy after a while, even when you're not in the mood. Not that I mean to sound callous sayin' that, but you can switch it on and off as required if the girl's halfway decent lookin'. And that's what I did with Maria... It's the old problem of feelin' the evening hasn't been a success if you don't score, even when you don't particularly want to...and it's not fair on the girl, but it's not as if you're forcin' them. They can always say no, can't they?

Anyway, I managed to play it cool the next day, even after he'd nearly got himself killed in that bloody geriatric car of his. Not funny, that. But it's not wise to go all over-possessive on him, so I hid what I was feeling as best I could.

I remember we had one of our typically cryptic exchanges about what kind of night we'd had and whether or not we'd scored, and I did rather well there too.

"How'd you get on last night?" I asked him, doin' the old 'pleased with myself...I scored, did you' routine. But he didn't bat an eye. Didn't give a thing away. I just got one of those mysterious looks of his. I was pleased though, 'cos it was obvious he was interested in what'd happened to me, and when he finally couldn't resist takin' the bait I gave him a classic put down. All an act of course. I couldn't have cared less, 'cos I was still recovering from the car business, but I couldn't have shown it, or I'd have started jibbering like a lunatic and givin' all kinds of things away.

I reckon I left him intrigued, but to be honest I felt like I was crackin' up inside 'cos I knew he'd scored with Cathy. It was so obvious. He has this special, self-satisfied little look about him when he's scored, and he had it with a vengeance that morning.

Course, at that stage, neither of us had any idea Cathy Mason was involved with Preston, so I looked on her purely as competition like I always did with Ray's girlfriends.

I dunno if it was his near brush with death makin' him concentrate on me to take his mind off things, but he was in a bloody crazy mood from then on. Carried on right where he'd left off in the pub, he did. Like when we went to see Marty, for example...and even before that, when we were in the car drivin' over there.

He started makin' all these oblique, gay references...crackin' jokes about it, deliberately bringing the subject up, and testin' how far he could go without gettin' his teeth kicked in, I reckoned.

God, but he was as sharp as a needle, and he embarrassed the hell out of me, but I don't think I showed it.

"Reckon there was a guy standin' at the bar in the pub who fancied you," he said at one point, completely out of the blue like he does, when you least expect it. "He was really givin' you the eye..."

He was gazin' out of the car window at the time, lookin' as innocent as the day he was born, but I knew different...

"Oh yeah?" I said, "who was that then? I'll have to see if I can look him up..." You know, tryin' to make a joke of it.

Even when he described the bloke I couldn't place him though. On reflection I think he made it up. I'm sure the bloke never existed.

"Wonder if anyone ever thinks that about us?" he said next, dead casual, as if it were a perfectly normal topic of conversation, "you know, with us bein' so close and all."

He was pushin' it a bit, even for him, but I couldn't let him know it, so I went along with the routine and camped it up a bit, said it was probably all over CI5 by now, and he'd have to stop makin' eyes at me in public, but he still didn't let it drop, even when we were with Marty...which was unfortunate because when I last had dealings with Marty my lifestyle was a bit different from what it is now, as Marty knew only too well.

I could have killed Ray, specially when he made some joke or other about the Vikings sailin' up the river, robbin' all the women and rapin' all the men...

He gave me another of his specials as he said it, too. I mean one of his real looks...

Dunno where he learned it, but Christ, there're times you'd swear he spends most of his time cruisin' the gay bars...

It was so blatant I couldn't let it pass. I was nearly crackin' up anyway, so I said somethin' about our reputations, tying it in with whatever Marty was sayin' about the missing 180.

It wasn't an isolated incident either. Ray kept right on doing it, all the way through the case.

I'm still not sure why he decided it was the right time to get things sorted out between us, but from the way he's talked to me about it since the danger he was in must've had a lot to do with 'im bein' so reckless.

All the jokey business between us must've helped take his mind off of it for a start. Gave him somethin' else to think about, plus, suppose it's only when your life's really in danger you realize how much people mean to you.

And he was livin' for the present, takin' it one day at a time.

Well, in our job you're never too sure just how many more days there're gonna be and when he was under all that pressure from Preston it brought it home to him even more strongly.

And he used the games he was playin' with me to compensate for what Preston was doin' to him too. He was bein' hunted by the kind of nutter who enjoyed playin' with someone's life, and when you're goin' through somethin' like that it makes you a bit wild and crazy. It's the frustration of not knowin' who your enemy is that gets to you more than anythin' else...that and the feeling of utter helplessness...

It's something I understand 'cos I went through pretty much the same kind of thing, times without number when I was overseas. There's nothin' like stalkin' an unknown, unseen enemy to drive you up the wall. And I reckon Preston would've known that too. So, 'hunting' me like he did, while Preston was huntin' him, made Ray feel better, 'cause he knew he was at least callin' the shots with me, even if he wasn't with Preston...

And I don't begrudge him that...not one bit...not if it helped him to get through it more easily. And if he hadn't brought things to a head between us we'd still be goin' round in circles with each other, 'cos there's no way I'd ever have made a move. It always had to be him who made the running.

I've never been very good at takin' the initiative in personal relationships. Dunno why. And it's not somethin' that's ever bothered me before, either. I suppose I can't ever have wanted anyone enough to feel the need, before Ray...but even with him, I'm not sure I'd have had the nerve to do anythin' about it if he hadn't broken the ice...

No, crazy as it sounds, we've got a lot to thank Preston for. He brought us together in a roundabout way.

But we were a long way off knowin' that then, and by the time we got round to Brownie, Ray was high on the danger. Gets different people in different ways, you see, and Ray's one of the ones who gets high on it. Not nervous...excited. It's almost like a sexual high with him.

Anyway, the adrenalin was really flowin' when we were with Brownie and Ray was at his most defiant. Flauntin' himself he was, for me as well as Preston...pushin' it as far as he could. Posin' and struttin' and always lookin', checking to see what kind of effect he was havin'...darin' both me and Preston to go further...

I don't know what Preston was thinkin' at the time as he watched him, but as far as I was concerned...well, it was very effective, believe me.

He was more blatant than he'd been in the pub, but it was still done subtly...in little ways you might not even notice if you weren't lookin' for them, but I noticed, just like he wanted me to.

For instance he always made sure he was in front of me so I had a good view of that luscious little behind of his, and he spent a lot of time standing posin' with his hand placed casually on his hip...lookin' at me...that sort of thing...

And, scared as I was for him, I have to admit it aggravated me. He was pushin' both me and Preston too far...so I over-compensated, acted deliberately casual, makin' out I was oblivious to him, which only made him do it all the more.

God, Preston must have had a field day. We were both actin' away for all we were worth. Real cat and mouse stuff. Hidin' the fear, hidin' the attraction...tryin' to hide everything.

He couldn't completely hide the fear though. I only had to look into those terrified saucer eyes of his to see that, and it made me realize how much he was dependin' on me too, needin' me...and I've always loved that. I need to be able to look after him somehow...

So it was all pretty intense, even though we were bein' flippant on the surface, but it was nothin' to what we had goin' for us once it was all over...

Christ, the relief...

Made us both a bit crazy, I suppose. I only know the barriers seemed to come down all at once with no effort at all. And we stopped playing, without even thinkin' about it. It was so easy to admit how afraid we'd been, with none of the defensiveness we normally kept goin' between us. Suddenly it was all gone, and neither of us minded.

We were knackered too, of course, but that was nothin' new. You always feel like that at the end of a case...till the next time...

I remember we sat side by side on the sofa in his flat, just lookin' at each other...for ages...starin'...takin' everything in...as if it was a miracle we were still in one piece. Which it was. You feel that every single time too. But the Preston case had been scarier than most so it was even more intense.

We usually act a bit daft and stupid at the end of a case too, but that didn't happen this time. We were takin' it very seriously. I dunno how long we carried on lookin' at each other as if we couldn't get enough of it. So bloody soppy. Like somethin' out of a women's magazine, but that's what it was like...

Course, it was Ray who finally said what needed to be said. Like I've admitted, I'd never have had the nerve, even then.

"I wouldn't have come through this without you," he said, "you do know how important you are to me, don't you, Bodie?" those huge eyes of his holdin' mine till they made me look away first.

He was sittin' very close, not touchin' me, but close enough for me to feel the burning heat of him only a fraction of an inch away, and I just didn't know what to do when he said that because he was suddenly playin' it so straight and I wasn't used to it.

It must have shown on my face too 'cos he said, "What's up? You look all funny," and shifted a bit till he was touchin' me with the whole length of his thigh resting against mine. It was like having an electric shock coursin' through me when he rested his leg against me like that...made me shiver...

His voice was so soft too...not like his normal tone of voice with me at all. Never forget how his voice sounded when he said that. I hadn't a clue how to respond...never felt so awkward in my life...so I tried to cover up everythin' I was feeling instead. Automatic defense mechanism I suppose.

"Nothin'", I said. "I'm just relieved. Glad it's over...it was a close run thing."

"Oh yeah, it was that all right," he said, "brings you up short gettin' that close to bein' blasted away by a nutter like Preston. Makes you sort out your priorities a bit."

I knew exactly what he was tellin' me, but I still couldn't quite believe it. He was about to make all my dreams come true, you see, and that's pretty hard for anyone to take, specially when you'd been waiting as long as I had.

It scared me too. I'd no idea if he'd ever fooled around with fellas, but I did start to wonder at that point if he knew what the hell he was gettin' himself into. I mean, playin' little come-on games was one thing, but this was entirely different. And for all his cockiness Ray's remarkably naive about relationships. He doesn't think things through properly before he acts, and he lands himself in a lot of trouble as a result. Cathy Mason's yet one more example of that...

And I was scared for myself too. I knew once I let go there's be no holding back, and if I let it happen with Ray it was gonna be pretty intense. I'd been wantin' him for too long, you see, and I'd let it get out of hand.

God, I wanted him so much...and I was so bloody terrified. I kept thinkin' if by any chance I'd misread him...if he didn't turn out to be as earnest as he seemed...well, I didn't even want to think about the consequences of that, for either him or me...

But what could I have done? There was no way I was gonna turn him down...I'd been waitin' too long. I was shakin' like a leaf and he must have noticed...my voice was shakin' too, but I said, "And where do I come on your list of priorities?"

"Oh, top of the list, sunshine," he said straightaway. He leaned closed and rubbed his face against mine as he said it too, nuzzlin' away at me with his nose and mouth, and he whispered, "...skin's all smooth and soft...even here..." rubbin' his cheek over my jaw and down my neck...and I was lost...completely lost once he did that.

I seem to remember I accused him of not bein' affectionate earlier on, which is crazy considerin' what he was like that first night. It wasn't just the sex...I have to admit that was even a bit clumsy at first, till we got into our stride, but, God...he was so...loving. I felt like I'd been lost in the desert for God knew how long, starved of water, and I'd suddenly found an oasis...

He more or less took the lead too at first...seemed to need to take the lead still...but it didn't worry me. After the first awkward couple of minutes nothing worried me anymore.

He took hold of me, his hands on my shoulders, and stretched me out full length on the sofa, and then half lay on top of me, leaning over me, with me lookin' up at him like I could never get enough of lookin' at him, seeing his face all soft, and his eyes with that special little light in them I'd only ever seen for women before.

Then he started undressing me...very slowly., Nothing was rushed that night. We savoured every second of it.

I remember he undid my shirt and wriggled those hot little hands of his inside it, smilin' to himself as he slid them over my chest and rubbed the flat of his hand over my nipples. God, it was fantastic, feeling him touchin' me like that. I mean, by normal standards it's a very unadventurous, innocent caress, but because it was him every little thing he was doin' to me was almost too much to take.

"What're you grinnin' at?" I asked him, 'cos by this time he was chucklin' away to himself too.

"Nothin'," he said, "just happy...I don't normally even get to see this...and now I'm touchin' it...makin' it mine..."

I reached up and tangled my hands in his hair and pulled him down for a kiss when he said that. His hair's so thick, and soft and strong...most beautiful hair in the world...better than any woman's, and I'd wanted to touch it...properly...for so long...

And, God, the way his lips parted for me and he sucked my tongue into his mouth straightaway. Took my breath away...

It was a very slurpy kiss, now I come to think of it, but neither of us seemed to mind, and I was trembling so much by that time I couldn't have done any better for a first attempt anyway.

He'd pulled my shirt free of my pants, and somehow managed to slide it off, so I did the same to him. I was so excited, just unbuttoning it, looking up into his eyes and seeing the need there, knowing he wanted me to do it...being able to run my hands over the incredibly silky down on his chest. It's not coarse and wiry like chest hair normally is, but all soft...like baby hair...

He loved that too. Started twistin' and squirmin' and sighin' on top of me. He pressed down hard, rubbing himself against me instinctively, his hipbones all hard and pointed against mine.

I could feel him hard between my legs too, so I spread mine properly and pulled him in closer, twining them round him, trapping him, and pushed up to him.

I could hardly breathe it was turnin' me on so much...

I had my face buried in his neck, kissin' and nuzzlin' at him there. God, but he smelt fantastic. Musky...a really heavy, abandoned, animal scent...wonderful.

Course, I'd been close enough often enough to have noticed it, and been turned on by it before, but bein' completely enveloped in it like I was then...can't begin to describe how it felt...

I was runnin' my hands over his shoulders and back...like velvet his skin is...all the way down over that cute little bum, sliding my hands over it through his jeans, feelin' him clenching and relaxing his muscles all the time, loving it...

"Fantastic..." he whispered, his breath all hot and gusty in my ear, "the way you make me feel...'s beautiful...you know that..."

He nibbled at my neck and then lifted his head and had a chew at my ear, makin' me giggle, and go all shivery again, then he had another go at my mouth, nippin' and suckin' away like crazy.

I nearly went through the roof, 'cos he was doin' so many other things to me at the same time. Those wonderful hands of his were still busy playin' with my nipples, you see, and he was still pushin' down, grinding his hips against me...

I managed to turn him on his side so I could stroke over the front of his jeans. Christ, but he was big...such a burning hard, hot little furnace down there. I could feel him throbbing in my hand, but I still felt a bit awkward about unzipping his jeans, because I knew there was no going back once I did that.

Then he started doin' the same to me, kissin' me hard while he squeezed and stroked along the tops of my legs and pressed his palm down hard over my cock.

I moaned when he did that, and squirmed up to him...couldn't help it...and he laughed...a real deep, fruity, Doyle chuckle, down my ear, pleased I was enjoyin' it.

"Not shy are you, Bodie?" he said, sort of joking...taunting me the way he normally did, but I somehow knew he was only doin' it 'cos he was afraid of oversteppin' the mark and it was the only way he could think of to handle the situation, not because he wanted to be deliberately tauntin', if you see what I mean.

He was worming my zip down inch by inch as he said it, but lookin' at me all the time too, gaugin' my response. And then he said, "Is this OK? D'you feel right about it? You gonna let me see what you've got in here for me? Please...oh please...want it so much..."

What he was sayin' to me and the way he was sayin' it was gettin' to me just as much as what he was doin' to me. Don't think I've ever been so turned on or excited in my life...and yet I was still shy of him...shy of touchin' him in the same way he was touchin' me more than anything though, so I said, "Anythin'...anythin' you want...always.." and lifted my hips so I could wriggle my pants and briefs down round my hips for him...

That was when he moaned too, and buried his face in my neck, panting, thrusting and quivering automatically against me once or twice before his hand found me...

It wasn't like the way a woman'd do it, somehow. It was so...light...so different from the way a woman approaches it...not so tentative, and yet more sensitive. It was so strong and sure and true...exactly how I'd dreamed it but never experienced it...up to that moment...like I'd been waiting for him to touch me like that all my life. As if everythin' else had only been a sort of separation, leadin' up to the perfection of Ray Doyle stroking me to the greatest pleasure and fulfillment I'd ever known...

God, the sheer, mindblowing joy of it. I'll never forget it, ever...as long as I live...

I don't remember much after that, to be honest. I was beyond thinking. I could only feel...

I do remember I found his mouth again, though, and kept on kissing him like I couldn't bear to ever stop kissing him, while he stroked me and loved me, and whispered the most wonderful, obscene things in my ear, making me spurt over and over and over again into his hand, coaxing me, gentling me, encouraging me, sending me out of my mind with pleasure, till I showed him the evidence of the love I needed to give to him so much over and over again...

I do remember I was crying when I came, though. Well, my face was wet, anyway. I could taste how hot and bitter and salty the tears were, but he didn't seem to mind. He just kept on encouraging me, telling me to let it all out for him, pleading with me to let him love me like he wanted to...

It was over so soon...much too soon. Embarrassing really...but he didn't seem to mind that either, and before I knew what was happening, I was lying cuddled in his arms, trying to get some kind of control back again so I could do the same to him, and feelin' silly about havin' been so selfish...

He was strung tight with wantin'...I know he was...but he never pushed. He held back so long to give me the time I needed, knowing I needed to make it so good for him...knowing I was so scared I wouldn't be able to either...

He was so patient. He let me kiss and pet him much longer than was necessary, or even fair, till he was all flushed and quivering in my arms, moaning over and over again, and I couldn't make him wait any longer.

I took him in my mouth, which was what I'd wanted to do all along...to have the sweet taste and gush of him overloading my senses...the only alternative I had to trying to fuck him and scaring him off for ever...

Oh, when I remember how I sucked and kissed along the entire length of him, drinking in the scent and feel and texture of him...his hands buried in my hair, pushing my mouth down hard on him...the way he made me come again...helplessly...uncontrollably...when his hand found my face while I was doing it, one finger outlining my mouth so he could feel exactly how I was sucking and loving him...

And God, the taste of him when he spurted all hot and tangy down my throat, the way his whole body, not just his cock, quivered and vibrated...knowing the triumph of being that close, that intimate with him...

I remember his hands were still buried in my hair too...so hard...kneading it...hurting...the most exquisite, loving kind of hurting...

I lay there for a long time, nuzzling at him, rubbing myself against him. He had his legs splayed, wide apart, all relaxed, and I kept stroking down the inside of his thighs where there was more of that fantastic, soft, fine, thick down...

When I finally looked up at him, he was still miles away. His eyes were closed, and he was still flushed, and there was a sweet, sated, totally relaxed smile on his face. Can't begin to describe how I felt at that moment, knowing he was mine, knowing he'd enjoyed what we'd done together...

He realized I was looking at him eventually and opened his eyes. They were all heavy and drowsy looking...slanted, sensual, cat's eyes.

He smiled at me, ruffled his hand through my hair.

"Wish I had a camera," he said throatily, his voice all weak and hoarse from loving, still strokin' through my hair, "seein' the way you look now. Your eyes're all dark and shining..." pulling me on top of him, and lifting his head far enough for another kiss, "...and you're all pink and rosy...fantastic..."

"So're you," I said, which he was. I started to laugh again then, 'cos I was so happy, and buried my face in his neck. "No one's ever done that to me before," he whispered, looking down at himself as he said it, "...not like that. Not the way it should be."

I remember I was a bit preoccupied when he said that, he was so gorgeous there were quite a few things demandin' my undivided attention, so I didn't cotton on to what he was tellin' me straightaway.

"No one?" I asked, when I finally took in what he was saying, thrilled by it.

"No," he said, "nothin' like..." He was bein' dead straight with me, and there was this thrilled, amazed little look on his face as if he couldn't quite believe it. Choked me up all over again.

"You're beautiful," I said, stroking his hair back from his face. It was all damp and sticky with sweat and it felt wonderful.

Yeah, OK, I know this is all gettin' a bit soppy, but that's the way it was...

"God, Bodie, you came twice..." he said then, "...and the second time I wasn't even touchin' you. Did you want me that much?"

What could I say? In that situation, and considering what we'd just shared, I couldn't do anythin' but admit that I had wanted him that much, could I? Or that I was as near to coming again from merely thinkin' about it and seein' how he looked at that moment, as made no difference...

"I've wanted you too, you know," he said, when I'd finished. "Christ, couldn't you tell?"

I had to laugh at that.

"I did start to wonder a bit that night in the pub," I told him, "but I thought you were just playing like you always do."

"Yeah, course I was playing," he said, "but it was always a deadly serious game. Couldn't ever have been anythin' else with you, considerin' the way I feel about you. You should've known..."

And when I didn't say anythin'...was beyond saying anything...

"Took you bloody long enough to get the message too, didn't it?" gettin' all aggressive and bossy, like he does.

I reckoned I'd given away enough for one night though, what with the tears and everythin' else, so I wasn't about to start tellin' him just how much I'd been wantin' him, or how long I'd been wanting him either. Ray's cocky enough at the best of times, so it's as well not to give him any encouragement, so I just kissed him a bit more before we went through to the bedroom and snuggled down for the night.

Not that I won't tell him...all those things...some day...

---

It'll probably be pretty soon too, if the way I feel about him is anything to go off. Don't see how I can keep it in much longer, to be honest. How can I when I've got this terrible urge to tell him absolutely everything?

Mind you, knowing how sharp Ray is, I might not be springing any surprises on him. I sometimes have the impression he already knows every single thing I could possibly want to tell him.

Funny really--that'd worry me...with any one else...being so vulnerable and exposed, I mean, but it doesn't somehow with Ray...

But then, I suppose that's love for you, isn't it?

-- THE END --