Post Kickback

Bodie looked down at the man in his arms. So much blood. Hard to believe anyone could lose such a large amount and still live.

"Keller, hang on. The ambulance will be coming soon."

A soft moan escaped the agent's lips. "Bodie?" The word was edged with pain, and Bodie lowered his head to better hear. "Saved your arse again, mate."

"Yeh, well, it wouldn't have been necessary if you hadn't been double dealing. Bad form that." The harshness of his accusation was tempered by the gentle hand that stroked the downed man's brow.

Keller turned his head into Bodie's chest. "Hurts," he whispered.

Bodie clasped him tighter. "Bloody fool," he muttered more to himself than to the wounded man.

Drooping eyes widened. "Bodie?"

"Still here, mate."

"Closer."

Obediently, Bodie lowered his head again.

"The girl, Sheila, she didn't mean anything to me. Just someone to warm my nights. I'd have you back any day." Keller drew a breath, his voice so weak, Bodie had to strain to hear. "Never got over you, mate. Never will."

Closing his eyes, Bodie wished he could close his ears. He didn't want to hear this. His feelings for Keller, never strong, were relegated to the murky past, but it seemed too cruel, considering Keller's condition, to say so.

"She's trouble, that one. Never did have good taste in birds, did you?"

Keller's lips twisted in a loose approximation of a smile. "Only fellers," he croaked before sagging limply.

Bodie sighed in relief. He liked Keller, always had done; but their brief fling had meant much more to the other man than sex. He'd never have allowed Keller to get close if he'd realized how much it would affect their work.

They'd been partnered for several missions while serving in the SAS and had worked well together, their skills complementary: Keller a more natural organizer, and Bodie the doer. They'd worked differently from him and Ray, and not as well, but they'd been quite effective. At least until Keller had taken a bullet for him during their last op in Ireland. He'd gone on to another assignment while Keller had healed; fate had decreed they not work or play together again before Bodie opted out.

Tightening his arms around the shivering form, he considered lifting Keller from the wet floor before deciding it was better not to move him any more than necessary. Ruefully he regarded the unconscious man as his own cramping muscles forced him to shift a bit, and again thought of that night in Ireland when he'd held Keller much as he did now. They'd both been distracted that night, under stress, but for different reasons. Keller had been nervously awaiting an answer as to whether or not Bodie reciprocated his feelings. Still disturbed by Keller's admission, Bodie had been trying to find a tactful way to tell the other man no.

Normally, he'd have refused such an offer straight away, but he respected Keller so let compassion throw off his judgment. It was another lesson learnt hard: don't get involved with your partner. It was a rule he thought had been engraved in his being.

The sirens sounded at the same time he heard running feet.

"Bodie!"

"Over here," he shouted in response to the desperate summons.

Yeh, it was a lesson he'd assumed he'd mastered--at least until he had been teamed with Ray Doyle

Their eyes met as Doyle dropped down beside him.

A touch on his shoulder: concern. "Is any of this yours?" Doyle asked, indicating the blood all over his front.

He shook his head. "Nah, s'all his."

Conversation was suspended then until Keller and the two dead men were removed. Doyle said little, choosing to remain in the background. When everything was wrapped up, Doyle followed him to CI5 headquarters and waited till he was through reporting to Cowley.

Only after he'd slumped tiredly into a chair did Doyle approach him and set a cup of tea in front of him. "Drink up, sunshine. Wish I had something stronger for you."

Bodie wiped gritty eyes and rubbed his head. It still ached from the blow Keller had delivered earlier. "'M okay, just knackered." He looked up at his partner then. "Heard anything from hospital?"

Doyle averted his eyes. "Keller died about 15 minutes ago. Major Nairn called."

Shocked, Bodie closed his eyes, inwardly cursing Keller. They weren't partners anymore; Keller shouldn't have sacrificed himself. Guilt savaged Bodie, piercing his armored emotions, as he faced the truth. Keller's real motive for saving him was a love that Bodie had never been able to return. Shame flooded him, remembering he'd been tempted to bed Keller for old times, at least until he'd known about the girl. Guilt compounded by shame caused him to reach for his protective shell of anger, but it wasn't to be found tonight. Lately, he'd had too much reason to feel empathy with all those suffering from unrequited love.

"Bodie?"

The hand on his shoulder demanded an attention he didn't feel like giving.

"C'mon, mate," Doyle insisted. "You're almost out on your feet. Lemme' drive you home."

The bitter words erupted without thought, "Damn Keller to hell and back!"

Doyle was startled. "Yeh, it must be a bit disillusioning to have an old mate join the villains. But he wannit all bad. He saved your nasty hide."

"Didn't ask him to, did I?" Bodie muttered. "Don't like it."

The hand on him gripped painfully. "Maybe not, but I'm glad it wasn't you lying in the wet, bleeding your guts all over the concrete."

"I almost wish it had been."

The pain in his shoulder penetrated his anger and grief, and this time he focused properly on Ray.

Doyle's face was devoid of color, his voice harsh. "Don't say that. Don't even joke about it. The only thing that matters for us, ever, is to do the job and stay alive. You hear me, mate?" Doyle accompanied this last admonition with a violent shake.

Shocked out of his self-absorption, Bodie could only gape. Doyle's mouth was pulled back in rage, but something like desperation glittered in his eyes.

"Talk like that, that's death, that is," Doyle snarled, not through yet. "Keller doesn't matter any more; nothing matters but we're breathing at the end of the day"

Bodie caught his breath. "Okay, sunshine," he soothed. "I hear you."

"I'm right," Doyle insisted with that same strange intensity.

"Yeh, you are," he repeated, amazed at what he thought he saw in his partner.

Suddenly Doyle released him and turned away. "Sorry," he said, drawing a deep breath, obviously seeking control. "You made me mad is all."

"Can see that, can't I?" He got up and followed Doyle. "Didn't mean to do that."

Doyle still wouldn't look at him and a great weariness overtook him. "Look it's been a bloody horrible day. Let's pack it in." Despite his tiredness, he wanted to go home and consider what that look on Doyle's face had meant. A small hope was growing inside that when the day came for one of them to stop a bullet for the other, there might be something between them by then that would make the dying worthwhile.

"Okay," Doyle agreed, subdued now.

Yeh, Bodie reflected hopefully as they left the building, being partnered with Ray Doyle made it easy to forget the most hard-won lessons; in fact...made all such lessons an exercise in futility.

-- THE END --

Originally published in In the Public Interest, Sunshine Press, 1985