Party Spirit series #19: After "Weekend in the Country"

Sounds awful, doesn't it, saying you enjoyed having your best mate crying 'is eyes out in your arms, but I don't think I ever felt so privileged in my life as when Bodie gave me the gift of his trust like that. And then, when he kissed me...

I once heard one of the girls in the typing pool carrying on about the way Bodie kisses: so far as I can tell she had understatement down to a fine art. His mouth was made for it, designed by the gods...

It was hard not to get too hopeful after that, to draw back and not make demands... I wanted to ask for the moon tied with a tinsel ribbon; settling for the few crumbs that were on offer was very tough and I needed some kind of smokescreen. So I went out looking for a bird, found one that was perfect: elegant, well-connected, job in Defence... had everything going to make Bodie believe I'd found another Ann Holly. She had a friend who took quite a shine to Bodie and we went about in a foursome for a while, all very cosy. People have often implied I'm a selfish bastard and I wouldn't argue; if people are stupid enough to let themselves be used they deserve all they get. That's probably why I respect Bodie so; he puts up with a hell of a lot but I always know there's a limit to how far I can go and how much I can get away with. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I knew very well I was using Judy Shaw as a front and never had any intention of getting serious, no matter what she or Bodie or anyone else thought. She was good company, and I didn't mind going to bed with her occasionally, but I'd had my fill of getting serious with women and I wasn't going to try again for a while. All the same, I reckoned going to stay at the Shaw's was probably good for my image...my own image of me, I mean, not other people's. I wanted to demonstrate to myself, the world at large and Bodie in particular that I was still a wow with the girls. So far as I could tell, Bodie was the same as always so far as birds were concerned...eager, but a lot of my enthusiasm was put on nowadays. Oh, I could still get my end away but it was becoming more and more mechanical, more and more just a screw; making love was something I did with Bodie.

Not that I had anything against going away for a weekend's peace and quiet, a bit of fishing, bit of riding--not my scene but I wouldn't mind making it so--but the thing that sold it to me was Judy's apologetic warning that her mother wouldn't hear any suggestions of shared bedrooms with the girls, and that Bodie and I'd have to doss down together in the spare room while Liz would go in with her.

"Mummy's old-fashioned that way, and she doesn't want me setting Daniel a bad example."

I grinned, suspecting Daniel would find his way into someone's knickers when he was ready whether he had his nose rubbed in it when he was young or not, but it wasn't up to me to argue it out with his mother, especially when it suited me not to have to sleep with her daughter under the same roof as the man who was my lover and who I was coming to realise I wanted to settle down with. And what a laugh that was, the idea of Bodie settling down....

It never hurts to dream.

Friday night we were too tired for anything except sleep, which wasn't a bad thing. I'm not sure I could've kept my hands off him otherwise and even I can see it's pretty tasteless going to stay with your girlfriend and having it off with your boyfriend in the bedroom next door.

Saturday brought Albie Case into our lives and a lot of things went out of the window when he came on the scene.

Cowley let us stay on afterwards, bit of Public Relations stuff, get Mrs. Shaw and the girls calmed down after what they'd been through. I thought it was a good idea at the time; they were pretty good all through, didn't go to pieces like a lot of women would, but sometimes people get a reaction later, when the pressure's off and they have time to think about what they've been through. We spent the first hour or so clearing things up, keeping busy mostly, although there was plenty to do to make the place seem like home to them again.

"I'll have to get this recovered," Mrs. Shaw said, giving up on trying to get the blood stains off the upholstery.

"Sorry," I said guiltily. "We surgeons aren't a lot of use without squads of nurses to clear up after us."

"Aren't a lot of use anyway," Judy said, marching past with the hoover.

"Huh? What did you say?"

"Nothing."

I stared at her clearly-in-retreat back, but she wouldn't look round.

She was prickly as a cactus all evening, snapping my head off every time I tried to talk to her, and I came very close to snapping back; it was only the warning looks Bodie kept giving me that made me keep my tongue under control. But I didn't feel like being long-suffering so in the end I took her out for a walk round the paddock to get it all off her chest.

"Is it your horse getting killed? Is that what the trouble is?" I asked as gently as I could.

"That...and everything else."

I tried to put an arm round her but she shook me off.

"Judy! Judy, love, don't bottle it up. You've been through a horrible experience, and you need to talk it out. It helps to talk about things, believe me."

"Oh yes, you know all about it, don't you. Ray Doyle, the expert on violence! So why..." She bit off the rest of it with a little gasp.

"So why what? Go on. Go ahead and say it." I ought to have seen it coming perhaps, but I didn't.

"So why didn't you do something!" she flashed. "Letting us go through all that...just going along with whatever they said...bowing and scraping and licking their boots...I don't know why you didn't just go round the house pointing out the valuables, you were so damned co-operative."

"Looked that bad, did it?" I kept my answer light; knew she'd never believe that if we'd tried we'd've ended up dead or worse and even less help to anyone.

"I never expected to find you were a coward, anyway."

I put a hand on her shoulder. "It's being a coward that keeps me alive, Judy. False heroics are unproductive, stupid and downright dangerous."

She made an ugly little noise as she threw my hand off. "If that's the way you want to tell it..."

A feeling of boredom suddenly engulfed me so that it was hard to be patient; all I wanted was to escape to Bodie's undemanding company but I stayed with her, arguing in circles, until she'd talked herself to a standstill and then we went back to the house. Bodie gave me a knowing look and a shrug that spoke volumes. From the red look around Liz's eyes I guessed they'd been having a spat too. I said as much when we finally got away to the privacy of our bedroom and he grinned.

"Thought I ought to be James Bond, the Saint and Robin Hood all rolled into one. Asked me if I realised she nearly got raped, so I told her she ought to wear a bra, not go flashin' her tits at every passing villain asking for trouble. I don't think she liked that much."

"Shouldn't think she did," I agreed, grinning in my turn. Liz's tits'd been a feature of the weekend; even young Daniel'd given 'em the odd passing glance.

Bodie suddenly began laughing; not very loud but with a sort of helpless look in his eyes as though he couldn't stop. It wasn't only the women who'd been under stress for twenty-four hours. Frustration wasn't in it, not being able to do anything in case we got them killed or raped for our pains; and then to find they weren't even grateful... I started to laugh too.

"Ssh!" he said. "Ssh!" But he wasn't sshing himself so I stopped his mouth the best way I could think of and every good resolution went out of the window unregretted.

He tasted better even than I remembered and I wondered why on earth I'd let it go so long, why I hadn't told him all the things I wanted, why I hadn't just loved him to bits and chewed up the pieces.

I knew why. I was scared. Scared of making it heavy, of making demands on him he didn't want or need. Even waiting for the Parsali business, lying next to him in a lonely house miles from anywhere, we kept a chaste head-to-toe formation. Mind you, we were lying pretty close when we woke, but you could put that down to us both feeling the cold.

Parsali...Christ! If Bodie hadn't been on the ball...

I put everything I could into the kiss, searched his mouth with mine, held him tight to me, touched every bit I could reach. It had been far too long since the last time and I was aching for it, aching for him, but I didn't dare ask for that, not here, not anywhere that wasn't known territory, one hundred per cent safe. I freed his mouth.

"Blimey!" he said, softly, intimately, his own hands on the move, "you're a regular tornado when you get going, aren't you!"

"How about the bed?" I growled, equally soft and personal. "Or do you want to get yours here, standing up?"

"The bed," he agreed. "Does the door lock?"

"No. Use a chair, that'll give us a second or two if anyone comes unexpectedly."

"I plan on it," he waggled his eyebrows at me, "but I don't think it'll be unexpected."

Me neither. I collected a towel from the basin for use in emergencies.

We were quiet about it, had to be, but that made it all the more exciting and forbidden...nothing energetic, just holding each other and kissing and using our hands. Heavy petting they used to call it. He was bulky in my palm, hot and filling and he came in long, lush bursts a few seconds after I did.

"Lie still," I murmured, reaching behind me for the towel to mop up the evidence. What I really wanted was an excuse to hold him a little longer, but it seemed I didn't need one for he didn't let go of me completely and when I'd dealt with what I could find, ruefully aware there was sure to be at least one patch I'd missed to ambush us later when it cooled, he threw his leg over mine and held on to me.

It was nice.

I tell a lie, it was wonderful.

I licked at my finger. "Wonder if that's mine of yours?"

"Give us a lick. Mine."

"How can you tell?"

"Superior, innit! Like comparing Chateau Margaux with Saintsbury's..."

"You reckon?" I said, sleepily content to let him win that one.

"Naturally. Nothing but the best from me, you ought to know that."

"Oh, I do."

"Even this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean this is the best, don't you reckon? Havin' it off together. Nothing complicated'n heavy the way it is with some birds. Liz, for instance...seems to think it's vulgar or something if you don't have all the trimmings."

"All what trimmings?"

"You know--big bed, soft lights, music...feels more like being in a blue movie than gettin' the dirty water off your chest."

I snorted, smothering it in his neck. "Bet she thinks you're no Romeo?"

"Well, I'm not," he said reasonably. "Don't pretend to be. But with you...well I can do it for all sorts of reasons, including like now when I'm feeling pissed off. No need to make a song and dance about it with you...you understand."

He nibbled at my lug'ole, tickled inside it.

Shuddering, I clung on, amazed to feel myself responding already. It'd been quite a while since I could get it up twice in quick succession. Being with Bodie was rather like being a kid again, up and over the top before you could say George Cowley and ready to start all over again.

"Eager little bugger, too," he said approvingly, doing his best to excavate my brains with his tongue. He'd have to delve a long way because they were inhabitin' my balls just then and I told him so. "Coarse, as well," he said, doing his best to sound shocked.

"Tell you something," I said, "this bed creaks. If we're going to start again we'd better get down on the floor."

"Bet that creaks'n all," he retorted, "house this old! Anyway, I'm not doin' it on the floor, beneath my dignity, that sort of caper."

"D'you want to?" I asked him, rubbing my nose on his. I was still at a point where I could stop if I had to. "Do it again, I mean?"

"I knew what you meant...you can't fool me, you know. What d'you think!" And he rubbed his prick against my thigh; it was rock hard again, hotter than ever.

So we did it again.

"Just as well there's a basin in here, innit," I said, hauling myself up off the bed. "Be awful embarrassin' meetin' someone on the way to the bathroom after that." Now it was over I wondered how much noise we'd been making and whether anyone had heard and if so what they made of it. The plumbing gurgled and rattled fit to wake the dead but at least the water was hot. I damped the towel and went back to the satiated sprawl to mop him clean. He was nearly asleep so I rolled him about and tugged at the blankets until I had him cosily covered and then I went to the loneliness of my own bed two whole feet away from him.

I wanted to curl up with him in the snugness of his three-foot divan, hold him tight to me as an armour against an unkind world, but this wasn't the time or the place, and if I couldn't sleep without him, well I had plenty to think over.

If he really felt like that about what we had going between us then maybe there was hope yet. What he'd said had sounded remarkably to me like someone describing the best sort of marriage...no need for pretending or trying to be something you aren't, just a whole lot of love that could end up being sex or a cup of tea, whatever you needed most at the time.

Bodie might not know it yet but he wasn't getting away from me. I'd had it with birds, had it with pretending. From now on if it couldn't be Bodie it'd be no one and I wouldn't be coy about letting him know, either. Like I said to Judy, false heroics are unproductive and stupid!

-- THE END --