Callipygian Calamity


"Ouch!" The gasp of pain from the curly-haired man lying prone on the examining table caused a smirk on the face of the man standing in the corner watching as the doctor carefully removed small particles of glass from the callipygous flesh beneath his gloved hands.

"Please, Mr. Doyle, you must lie still. I have only a few more shards to remove and I'm sure the anesthetic that I administered should still be working!" The balding man in the white coat did not like to have so much noise in Casualty. His nerves were not at their best as it was.

"You tell that to my bum then 'cause it felt like you stuck me with a sword or somethin'," Ray Doyle growled at the heavy-handed medical man. At that moment 4.5 wished that his Browning was close at hand to teach the physician about permanent anesthesia.

"Better listen to what he says, Sunshine. Won't be fun to explain to the blokes at headquarters why you needed a bum-ectomy!" Doyle's blue-eyed partner began to chortle at his own cleverness.

Ray tried to raise his upper body from the table but he was securely held in place by a strap. "Bodie, I don't need your comments. Go on back to headquarters and do our report. I can get home by myself!" He said the words even though he knew they would do no good. Bodie could never resist teasing his friend and partner about anything that might remotely embarrass the green-eyed man. Still, even Doyle had to admit that an arse full of glass slivers might possibly humorous--if it had happened to someone else!

Lying there with his fists clenched, one of CI5's finest could only think, "Why me?" There had been six CI5 men investigating the site of the explosion, but only Ray Doyle had slipped and damaged his derriere. He had seen the faces of Lucas, McCabe, Lake and the others when he had been helped out of the building, grimacing in pain. Bodie had been a model of concern for his fallen friend--at least until the "surgery" had begun. Then his best mate had begun to make small remarks that were intended to be humorous, but when your bum hurt like hell, it was difficult to laugh!

"That seems to be the last one." The doctor stood up straight and removed his glasses. "You are very fortunate, Mr. Doyle. One of those pieces was quite large. It could have done serious damage had it been another area. I will send along some medication and pain killers. Sleep on your stomach for a few days and then I'll take the stitches out. Any questions?"

"Can I leave now?" Doyle just wanted to go home to bed and anesthetize himself with a scotch or two.

"Certainly. You are most fortunate that your partner is here to see that you get home safely. I believe he even had the good sense to bring a pair of sweat pants for you to wear. There's no way you could possibly put those...jeans over your bandages."

Doyle groaned. "Just got those new. Ruined, are they?"

Bodie smirked once again. "Nah, mate, they're just fine for a hot day. C'mon now, let me help you up and we'll get you outta here."

Fifteen minutes later, Doyle was uncomfortably situated in the back of the silver Capri, on his knees with his bum up in the air. Each time Bodie hit a bump, it felt like a cattle prod had been applied to the tender area, but at least his partner had the good sense not to make any comments. The wounds would heal, being dead would not.

Once they reached Doyle's flat, it didn't take long for the invalid to remove the sweat pants and fling himself on the bed, sinking into its softness with unmistakable pleasure. Now if he could only fall asleep before the anesthetic wore off completely.

"Fancy a cuppa, Sunshine?" Bodie asked from the doorway.

"Nmmph!" was the only reply.

"Don't suppose you're up to a nosh?" the other man inquired.

"No!" The curly head popped up. "I want to sleep then I am going to have a large scotch when I wake up. Perhaps you'll have departed by then?" he demanded with a hint in his voice.

"Can't do that, Goldilocks. Never know when you might need help. 'Sides with the drug in you, scotch isn't a good idea."

"One won't kill me!" Since his bum had begun to burn with an incandescence that was breathtaking, 4.5 wasn't really concerned about dying at that moment.

"No, no, 's my duty as your partner to make sure you don't do anything stupid!" The bigger man came over and sat on the edge of the bed. One large hand began to rub on the bare back just above the bandages. The hand was cool on the heated flesh and felt wonderful to Ray's sensitive skin.

"Feels good. Think...think I could have a pill?" Doyle asked hopefully.

"Too soon. Give it a bit. Try to relax and think about somethin' else."

"Bodie, when your arse feels like you've been branded, it's not easy to think 'bout somethin' else!" he protested.

The blue-eyed man didn't answer but kept up the soothing motion on the silky skin. Then he carefully straddled the slender body and began a gentle massage of the tense back and neck muscles. Doyle shivered under the caresses.

"You cold?"

"No." But it was obvious that something was wrong as Ray pulled the pillow over his curly head, burying his face in the mattress.

"What's wrong then. 'm not hurting you, am I?"

"Just...doin' what you said. Thinkin' 'bout somethin' else." A deep sigh emerged from under the pillow as Bodie tackled a particularly hard knot in the muscle.


"Just...just worried," Doyle finally admitted.

"What? Why?"

"You won't want to have your wicked way with me anymore!"

Stunned, Bodie stopped the massage to drop to his knees at the side of the bed. "Whatever...why would you ever think that?"

Doyle quietly tried to hide a sniff from his lover. "You're always touchin' me arse, sayin' how perfect it is and now it's got all them...scars."

Bodie started to smile but then could see the seriousness in the green eyes. Instead he asked, "Do you really think that's the only reason I like goin' to bed with you?"

"Seems like it is. You can hardly wait to have your end away some nights. I...I don't mind 'cos I like it too, but sometimes I wonder if that's all you need."

3.7 reached over to gently kiss the cupid's bow lips. "Gotta admit seein' you in those tight jeans makes me hot, but it's not just your bum that gets me goin'. I love your furry chest, and nipples and what a raver you are for me. I love you--all of you and I don't want you to ever doubt it." The blue eyes stared straight into those of green.

"So if I said, 'Kiss my bum!' you wouldn't mind?" A crinkle of laughter flickered around Ray's generous mouth.

"Just try me. When those bandages come off and the stitches are out, I intend to kiss you all over and make it better."



Doyle tried to keep his eyes open so he could see the truth in Bodie's face, but it was just too much effort. "," were the only words that emerged and they were the only words that mattered.

-- THE END --


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