The Importance of Being Hairy
by The Hag
Poor Bungo Chubb had cause to be
Of fellow hobbits wary:
They laughed at him behind his back
Because his feet weren't hairy.
He started on a winter's quest
Drawn by a wild-eyed notion
That he might find some wizard who
Would sell a hair-growth potion.
He wandered over hill and dale,
He hither went and yond,
And found a hapless elf trapped in
A frozen-solid pond.
His hair was wild with chestnut curls,
His eyes were green of hue,
And Bungo really fancied him
Although his skin was blue.
"The water was so summer-warm
"I slept a sleep profound,
"A-dreaming of the one I'd love
"But never yet have found.
"I slept so long the season changed,
"So can you free me, please?"
"I'll break the ice," our Bungo said,
"Though my bald feet may freeze."
So Bungo, he lay down and thrust
Against the ice so chilly,
It melted from the blazing lust
That heated up his willy.
Into his arms the elf did swim
To finish off the thawing.
They fell in love so fast the story's
Bloody nearly boring.
"It's you I dreamed," the elf proclaimed,
"I've hair enough for two.
"This pledge I give: my heart and all
"My Rogaine is for you.
"And if you'd like a change of pace
"My boss, old Ponto G,
"Will take you on for CI5
"To partner there with me."
Triumphantly, on hirsute feet,
Chubb marched back to the Shire,
And hobbit girls who'd always scoffed
Now gathered to admire.
He kissed them all and bade farewell.
They sadly went to see
Him screech off with his nameless love
Inside a Ford Capri.