You look like a child when you sleep--
Raven's wing black
Hair shorn and soft beneath my hand,
Naked body sprawled out on my bed,
Half-tangled in the sheets, still
Sweating a little.
Your face pressed
Hard into my side.
Snuffling breaths, soothing
And familiar.

I love you.

I love you more than I should
And more than you know, more
Than I swear I'll ever find the words
let alone the courage
To tell you.

Bodie...
Mate, do you have any clue
What you do to me?
How you've turned my life
Inside out and upside down;
I haven't seen anyone else in months.
Haven't even felt the urge
couldn't even fucking get it up
Despite all the beautiful birds
We've run into lately,
On the job and off.

I know you have.
I know you still look at em.
Still charm them with your voice and eyes,
Teasing and dangerous at the same time.
That you still take them out for dinner
And a pint at your local,
Depending on what kind of bird they are.
And after...
After, you take them home.
Kiss and stroke and fuck em.
Make them feel like they're the sexiest,
The most special,
Most precious thing
On all the earth.
even if it's a lie

I know first hand now
How much pleasure you're capable of
Dishing out in bed.
Pleasure that I've never imagined before.
That quick wicked mouth
And those shockingly sensitive hands
Awakening sleeping places in my body,
Releasing deeply suppressed desires.
Before a quick friendly wrestle
Pins me to the bed beneath you.
All that hot flesh and bone holding me down
As you laugh that dirty little laugh of yours,
Pleased and aroused and hungry, so
Hungry.
Before you kiss me,
kill me
Ravage my every last defense.
Make me scream.
Fill me right up.
better than a dream

You're too good you know, sunshine.
Sometimes I don't come down for hours
After you've gone.
I feel like my feet don't even
Reach the floor.
That I could fly if I really put my mind to it.
As I stand in front of the mirror, touching
Myself and feeling your hands instead.
feeling you still inside me
Alive and aware and real and whole for once.
Until the inevitable crash.
Until I see you with another bird, hear
About how wild she was last night,
How she made you feel.

Oh, Bodie, love, don't you know?
You make me feel...
So much joy.
So much pain
too much of everything

Why does it have to be this way?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Why can't I just let it go?
Why am I not enough?
I don't know, but
I know it's my fault.
it always is

I swallow back tears again and again, feel
My heart constricting,
My throat closing.
It hurts to just lie here like this,
Holding you close, feeling
Your breath and your heartbeat.
counterpart to my own
Feeling your come slipping gently
Out of me,
Wondering, just wondering--
That if all those birds mean nothing to you,
as I know they do
Does it mean that I mean even less.
It must,
Or how else could you go back to them
So easily, so freely, fresh
From my own bed,
My body.

I've never asked you to stop.
I don't dare
I've never told you the truth.
I couldn't stand to have you laugh at me
I can't bear to think of you
Putting me in my place afterwards,
Telling me that I'm just imagining things,
Putting a romantic light
On something that was always just purely physical.
A simple release and nothing more.
Just two blokes, best friends, mates,
Having it off
When no one else was around, Available.
easy

You shift in your sleep
And make a small sound, half
Protest and half curious--you can probably
Sense me thinking,
Mooning on about things you'd tell me
Were better not thought about at all.
I tighten my hold on you, rub
Your arms a little and kiss the corner of your mouth
And you relax again,
Snuggling even closer if that were possible.
It feels good and I should just let it go at that.
I should, but
I can't.
even if it hurts all the more

You feel so warm in my arms,
So right, so real.
We fit so well together, better
As lovers even
Than we were as mates, as partners.
I wish you could see it.
I wish I had the words to make you believe it.
That I can love you.
that I do
That we could make it work between us.
That you don't need them anymore.
That you've only ever needed me.

But it's not true.
obviously
I'm not enough.
I'm not what you're looking for.
Even if I'm what you need
sometimes
When there's no one else around.
When there's not
Some beautiful redhead or blonde or brunette
With lovely breasts
And legs to write home about
Already dangling on your arm.
When they're too much trouble.
When we're too far from home.
When the op goes wrong
And you need it hard and fast and now,
So bad you can't even see
The bruises.

I shouldn't complain.
It's the best damn sex I've ever had.
And you stay the night most times
After you fuck me.
some birds don't even get that
But sleeping with you, watching
You sleep,
Only makes it harder.
Makes me think I should tell you,
No matter what happens.
Or doesn't.

I love you, Bodie...

Bloody hell--
Did I say that out loud?
I didn't mean to.
I didn't mean for you to hear me,
Not tonight
not ever
At least, I didn't think I did.
But your eyes are open now,
I see that.
Wide open and blue,
So very blue and bright and aware,
And you're rolling over to look right at me,
Holding me down as I try to escape,
And it's too late now.
way the fuck too late

Bodie...
Please, love--
Don't leave me.
Don't hate me.
Don't tell me it's all over.
That it means nothing.
Lie to me if you have to, sunshine.
Lie to yourself, but
Just...don't.

"Ray?"

Fuck.