The Professionals Circuit Archive - Essence	    Essence

 

by Fanny Adams

  
 *(a sequel to Lightslide by Anne Carr)*

Porcelain, Bodie thought as he watched Ray sink with a sigh into the big,
soft chair. Porcelain-pale and fragile with an edgyness that came of
unsteady emotions. Home at last from his long stay in the hospital, Ray
was obviously having trouble adjusting to being alive and on his own.
Well, it was all Bodie had ever thought to ask--Ray alive and on the road
to recovery.

"Thirsty?" Ray nodded, something strange in his eyes, and Bodie went to
fix tea.

"I feel all at sea, Bodie," Ray admitted in a whisper when Bodie returned
with the tray. "It's silly, I know, but I don't want to stay here. This
place frightens me."

"You don't have to stay here; you can stay with me until you're well
enough to move house." He handed Ray a cuppa, feeling for all the world
like an overgrown nanny.

"What would I do without you?"

Bodie smiled at him, content to study Ray as he sipped his tea. In a very
short time the toughness would be back. Doyle would be back. For now,
though, this familiar stranger was his responsibility, freely accepted.

And as he had done many times in the past month, Bodie found himself
thinking of Raylin. Never quite forgotten, though pushed to the back of a
busy and uncomprehending mind, Raylin's presence was accessible only in
dreams and occasionally in Bodie's partner (though the gentle healer was a
very different man from Ray). He did not pretend to understand where
Raylin had come from or why, and he never questioned his memories.
Questions were dangerous--their answers destroyed illusion.

His thoughts turned back to Ray. "When you're finished, we'll pack a few
things and go back to my flat."

He settled Ray before going to headquarters. The old man was full of
questions. How did Doyle feel? How did he look? Was he comfortable? "He
isn't comfortable at home, sir. I took him to my place, but I think he
should have a new flat."

Cowley nodded. "You're both due for a change," he agreed.

"In that case, sir..." He blurted it out without thinking. "I'd be willing
to share with Ray for a time. I'd feel better knowing that someone was
there to look after him..." His voice trailed off helplessly. Stupid idea.
Cowley would never go for it.

"You're offering to play nanny, then, Bodie?" Cowley asked.

"I suppose you could say that...if you were going to be unpleasant about
it."

Cowley grinned at him. "And how does Doyle feel about such an
arrangement?"

"I imagine that it'll be an impetus to getting well, sir," Bodie said
wryly. At which Cowley chuckled.

"I think I can find a suitable place to accommodate both of you without
undue friction. Can you be packed by Wednesday?"

"If I get a day off I can."

"You never change. Off you go. Get busy right now. I'll call you when I've
an address."

"We're going to be living together?" Ray asked. "Cowley agreed?"

"Well, it's not as if we were getting married, is it?" I reckoned you'd
need someone to wipe your nose for a while." It was the wrong thing to say
and Bodie knew it immediately.

"I don't bloody need anyone to wipe any part of my anatomy, thank you very
much, so you can take your patronizing concern and stick it..."

"Easy, easy, Sunshine, I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't. I
just...I worry about you is all. Okay?" He caught Ray's shoulders and
tilted the sullen face upwards until their eyes met. It was like a
physical shock--velvet green, deep and dangerous, and the memory of all
Raylin had been to him assaulted Bodie's senses, overloading the emotional
circuits. He almost screamed, feeling a creeping madness nipping at this
heels. He pulled away as though he'd been burned.

"Bodie?" Soft-voiced concern...and something else. Ray had sharp eyes. He
may have read all the fast-moving emotions before Bodie broke contact.

"Look, if you don't like the idea we'll just call the Cow and tell him to
forget it."

"I appreciate it...the concern, I mean. I love you for it."

Something twisted in the pit of Bodie's stomach.

Bodie took the curtains down the next morning and they packed his things
in a room flooded with sunlight. It felt like a new beginning. Ray was
cheerful and talkative. His colour was better, Bodie decided.

"Where'd you get this?" Ray asked, holding up a thumb-piano. "And what the
hell is it?"

"It's an African thumb-piano from Kenya. I bought it in a bazaar in
Chelsea."

"Not in Africa?" Ray asked, laughing. "Like those people who buy their
souvenirs before they leave home." He played idly with the keys, producing
a dull, heavy sound. Bodie took the instrument from him.

"Never thought you were musical, old son." He began to play one of the
simple tunes he remembered. "Silly thing," he remarked. "Reminded me of
some good times though. Don't have anything left from those years."

"Why not? I'd have figured you for the type to come home with shrunken
heads and whatnot."

"That's Fiji." He tossed the piano into the box Ray was packing. "And
anyway, I don't like cluttering up my life with things."

"That's rich. You were always the great one for things."

The moment froze between them. Bodie found himself holding his breath.

"I mean," Doyle continued, "maybe not things so much as...you like to be
comfortable. I dunno. Forget it." They went back to work without
discussing it, and the unspoken thoughts yawned, before Bodie, like some
deep chasm.

He was packing his books when Ray emerged from the bedroom holding the
necklace. Bodie's face went as white as Ray's.

"Where did you get this?" Ray demanded, just as Bodie was about to snatch
it away from him.

"Africa."

"Don't lie to me Bodie."

He stepped forward and took the necklace from Ray very gently. "It was a
gift from someone I loved...I think." There were hot tears behind his
eyelids. Ray touched the jade gently.

"I thought I'd dreamed this. I was so afraid of that dream, Bodie. And now
it's real and I'm terrified. Put it away, please."

Afraid? "What dream?" he demanded.

Ray sank down onto the couch. "When I was in hospital. I told you about
deciding to live...you remember. I told you that I'd had to make the
conscious choice to live." Bodie nodded, remembering that Ray had said
that it had been Bodie's presence which had convinced him to live. "I had
another dream that I never told you about because it was so crazy. It was
about you and me and it frightened me because I lost you. I loved you and
I lost you, and it was my fault."

Excited, Bodie began to speak. "I was afraid it might be a dream too, Ray,
but you gave me this necklace. You, when you were Raylin. Don't you
remember? Just before you sent me away. You did it to save my life." It
was real! it was; and Ray was Raylin and things were going to be all right
again.

"Bodie...I was too late. Raylin was too late. In my dream you died."

They agreed not to discuss it again until they were settled. It was too
upsetting, it was too crazy. What Ray remembered as a nightmare, Bodie
recalled as a joyous but inexplicable episode in his life--a turning point
of sorts. Although the silence was hard for them, dealing with the
memories of Lightslide would be harder still.

Late on Wednesday they carried the last carton up to their new flat. Bodie
couldn't help but wonder if this good idea of his was going to backfire.
When they did deal with this, they'd have to deal with the fact that Bodie
and Raylin had been lovers. It might have been better... But Bodie was
never one to play at 'what if' for very long. They were in the situation
and they had to make the best of it.

Over dinner, Ray said, "we have to talk," and Bodie agreed.

"Tell me the dream, Ray; all of it."

Ray took a deep breath. "I remember a place called Lightslide that was my
home. I was a healer there." Bodie found himself nodding in agreement.
"One day after a storm, some of the other villagers found a man on the
beach..."

"Meri pulled me out of the ship," Bodie insisted.

Ray frowned. "I don't know who Meri is, but you were found on the beach,
cast away. A ship had broken up on the reef, that's true, but a lot of
ships did that. Not many survived the wrecks. You were unconscious but
whole..."

"I had a cut on my head."

"No, no major injuries. It was amazing. You slept for days, though, and
when you woke up and I told you that you had to stay, you were angry with
me. I lied to you...but you know that. I wanted to keep you with me
because I'd come to love you." Ray looked embarrassed. "While you were
there you were restless, and the people tried to make you feel welcome by
giving you their possessions. I remember I was angry because I thought you
were so greedy and materialistic."

"I was. You made me see that."

"No, I was angry because I was feeling possessive too. Only it was you I
wanted to keep, not things. It's the same, Bodie." He looked so sad. "And
when you came after me and were caught in the flood...it was my fault. I
never had time to say I was sorry for being angry that morning. I never
really had time to say goodbye. You died while I was trying to send you
back." He looked as if he was going to cry, and Bodie pulled him into his
arms.

"Ray, I'm alive. How could I have died in Lightslide if I'm alive here?
How could I have this necklace? It's Raylin's isn't it?"

Ray nodded. "And it was passed on to the next healer when Raylin died.
Bodie, I don't know why you have the necklace now, but you didn't have it
in my dream."

"When Raylin died? Desolation.

"He died in Lightslide, Bodie. Where else?"

"It's just a dream," Bodie insisted, his hand closing convulsively around
the warm silver and jade that rested in his pocket.

"Bodie, I'm not Raylin. I have a life, I have a documented past. I know
where I was born and who my parents were and all the rest. I never heard
of Lightslide before those dreams. I don't understand it, but I know that
I'm not Raylin any more than you're really Blackhall."

It almost didn't register with Bodie. "Who?" he asked finally.

"Blackhall. That was the name. Phillip Blackhall. It wasn't you, Bodie. He
was tall and dark, but he looked nothing like you. He had dark eyes."

"You called me Bodie. Raylin called me Bodie."

Ray shook his head. "The man we found was Phillip Blackhall, a slaver. He
was nothing like you...except that in my dream I knew he was you. I don't
understand it, really. Raylin loved him," he added in a whisper.

"Slaver? No, I..."

"Bodie, I don't know what this is all about, but I have an instinct that
says we should let the dead rest, okay?"

Shaken down to his foundation, Bodie agreed because there seemed to be
nothing else to gain from the pursuit. This was all wrong. They both
remembered essentially the same things, but in the important details they
differed wildly. He didn't understand.

Taking refuge in mundane concerns, Ray began to clear the table, Bodie, to
unpack a box of books. "I told Cowley that this arrangement would be an
impetus to your getting well," he said lightly. His ear was caught by a
ragged intake of breath. Ray stood in front of the sink, his shoulders
bowed and quivering. "Ray?" He went to his friend's side.

"When I met you, Bodie, I recognized you." The words were forced out
between clenched teeth. "I don't know how or why, but I knew you. Drove me
crazy the first few months trying to remember from where." By now the
tears were running freely down his face. Bodie didn't try to wipe them
away, but rather held Ray against himself and rubbed his back gently. "I
knew you then--I knew you before." He looked up, his face wet with tears.
"I'm not Raylin, Bodie, but maybe I was once. I don't know." He wiped his
face with a tea-towel. "What I'm afraid of is losing you again. It
destroyed Raylin. It'd kill me. I love you."

"You know," Bodie said around the large and painful lump in his throat, "I
don't suppose we have to worry overmuch about losing each other. We found
each other again, didn't we?" He dipped into his pocket and pulled out the
necklace. "And wherever this came from," he said, clasping it around Ray's
throat, "it belongs to us." It was right on Ray, but not so right as on
Raylin. Perhaps it was only a symbol after all, or a charm which magic had
finally fled after accomplishing its end. "I love you too Ray. Not Raylin
but Ray. Let the dead rest." His mouth descended on the soft, waiting one
beneath, and Ray, not Raylin, opened to him like a mysterious bloom.

The learning was sweet, for as familiar as they were, their bodies had
never met in an embrace, and they had never acknowledged the hunger they
felt for each other. Whatever it was that had kept each out of the other's
bed was now gone, and they were free to love, not with a frenzy of lust,
but with wonder at the sweetness of it, wonder...for Bodie..at the
imperfect perfection of his partner, now lover. It was nothing that he'd
ever felt before even in moments that he'd previously identified as love.
He caressed the slender body, laid a line of kisses from mouth to the tip
of Ray's cock, drunk on the smell and taste and feel of his new lover.
Their bodies fitted together in a gentle glide of slick flesh, Bodie
wanting more than anything to pull Ray into himself an keep him safe
wanted to be Ray and wanted Ray to be Bodie.

And for a moment, after climax, the loneliness was so terrible that Bodie
buried his face against Ray's shoulder and fought against the pain that
made him want to cry out. They would never be together in the way he
needed to be together. Mad to even consider...

"You belong to me," Ray said dreamily, caressing Bodie's hair. "You're a
part of me. You always were and always will be." But before Bodie could
question him, Ray dropped off to sleep.

Trust. He believed Ray who saw what he, Bodie, could not. The loneliness
ebbed and he before he fell asleep, he removed the necklace from Ray's
neck, and put it aside. It was not something he needed any longer.

~THE END~   Archive Home