The Professionals Circuit Archive - Six Months       Six Months

 

by Chiara Fantoni

  
 *The idea came from a Starsky & Hutch episode. I still think Pros is much
better. 

The time frame is a few years into the future, but I think the characters
stay true to the original.

All usual disclaimers apply, sadly.*

******

The alarm clock was going off. No, it couldn't be, could it? The ringing
wasn't right

It took Bodie a few seconds before he was able to focus. He shot a glance
at the red dials: 2.30 am. What the heck? 

Without putting on the lights he finally managed to pick up the phone.
"3.7."

"Alpha 1 here. We found him." The voice sounded tired, the Scottish slur
was more pronounced than usual.

He was instantly awake. "Where is he?"

"Safe."

"Where? I want to see him"

"Not a good idea, not yet."

"What do you mean not a good idea?"

"I'm not going to discuss this on the phone, Bodie. I want you at HQ on
the double"

"Look..."

"Come here right now, or I'll make sure you never see him again, EVER. Is
that clear?"

"Sir..."

"I S T H A T C L E A R?"

"Yes, Sir."

He tried to shake off the last of the drowsiness induced by the sleeping
pills. He had been unable to get any natural rest ever since disaster had
struck six months ago.

He had dropped Ray in front of his place on a cold damp night. The day had
been stressful, very much so. He had invited Ray for a drink, but his
partner had refused, saying he was tired. He had not seen him since.

******

*Doyle had walked tiredly up the stairs, looking forward to a shower and a
cup of tea before going straight to bed, but he had never made it to the
door.

The hall was dimly lit, he had absently made a note in his mind about
reminding the administrator to get some stronger bulbs. That was his last
conscious thought in the free world.

He had woken up groggily, God only knew how long afterwards, unable to
move. Blindfolded, handcuffed, ankles tied painfully tight, tape on his
mouth. He could barely breathe. He was lying on what felt like an old
mattress, stinking with it There was no real pain, just the vivid
sensation of not being really himself. Where was he? What did they want
from him?

They had left him there for what seemed like ages, no contact whatsoever
with his captors, terror strategy if ever there was one.

Had he dozed off? He couldn't tell. He woke with a start, sweating.

"Let's see how you react to this, shall we?"

He was still blindfolded, but the tape had been taken off his mouth, and
he was secured by what felt like thick ropes in some sort of semi-seated
position.

"What do you..."

He had felt a cold needle enter his arm. The effect was almost
instantaneous. Did he really scream out loud, or was it just his
imagination? *

******

Bodie entered HQ in a fury.

"Where is he?"

"Sit down, Bodie, have a drink." Cowley looked impeccably shaven, his suit
perfectly in order, but his face was taught, deep lines under his eyes.

"No, thanks."

"That's an order, Bodie, you are going to need it."

"Is he alive?"

"Barely."

"I want to see him."

"You will, but first listen to me, lad." He hadn't called him anything but
his name ever since Doyle had disappeared. This must be very serious
indeed.

"We got an anonymous call early yesterday afternoon, saying we would find
something of interest...."

"Where? Why wasn't I informed?"

"If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to continue. The operator
got a call saying something of interest was awaiting us in one specific
warehouse at the Docks. I sent Murphy and Jax to investigate."

"Why not me?"

"Because we had no way of knowing what it might be and it could have been
a trap. I didn't want to risk losing you after Doyle."

"You said he's alive!"

"He is, but he's not the Ray Doyle you and I used to know and trust. And
anyway you know perfectly well that I was on the verge of declaring him
presumed dead."

"How could you? We've been in the squad for the last what? Fifteen years?
You can't let us down! Not Ray Doyle. Not me." The last words were just a
whisper.

"Fifteen years, seven months and two days, I know, but what would you have
done in my place?"

"He's my friend, I thought he was yours as well!"

"I know Bodie, calm down please."

"I'm as calm as they come."

"No, you are not, but I suppose that's all I'll get."

A snort came from under very furrowed brows, his blue eyes icy.

"When Murphy and Jax arrived at the Docks the door to the warehouse was
unlocked. It took them some time to explore it, even with strong
flashlights it was pitch black . It was only when they heard the whining
that they located what looked like a large bundle."

"The whining? A large bundle?"

"Bodie..." Cowley shot a warning glance. "The man was so filthy and thin
they could barely decide it was a male, let alone who it was. They thought
he might be one of the innumerable homeless people who roam through the
area in search of food."

He stopped, his eyes full of sadness, his Adam's apple going slowly up and
down as though he was trying very hard to keep a semblance of composure
and barely succeeding. His reading glasses went down with a very loud
clang.

"Then something, a flicker of the eyes, some trace on his right cheekbone
made them pause." 

Bodie knew that every single agent had been instructed to report
immediately to the Controller before doing anything else, even call an
ambulance, especially since Ray had disappeared into thin air.

"It was Ray, all right." Something new yet again, the Cow calling his
partner by his first name. It had never happened.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"You are too heavily involved in this case."

"Then why call me in the middle of the night?"

"I couldn't bear the burden alone any longer." The admission struck hard,
harder than Bodie would ever feel at ease to admit.

"He's a junkie."

"A junkie?" God, what had they done to him? "I need a drink."

"Here it is." Cowley refused to voice the inevitable `I told you so'.

******

*They had never asked questions, they had never really physically abused
him, or tortured him, or had they? He couldn't recall.

Somewhere deep in his subconscious he had tried to stay sane, but how
could he?

As a CI5 agent he had been trained against psychological harm, but he
could do nothing against drugs.

They had gone on and on, every day, never taking his blindfold off, never
feeding him anything but fluids via IV for weeks, months.

In the rare glimpses of reality he felt drained, spoiled of any dignity,
ready to cry. Was he a human being any more? Would they ever let him go?
Would it be worth it living again as a normal human being? Who was he,
really? Somehow, the name Ray Doyle, agent 4.5, Bodie, Cowley, CI5, had no
real meaning anymore. *

******

Well, they had let him go, but what had become of him?

When Murphy had called his name he hadn't responded, he was in a
semi-comatose state.

Cowley had been there less than half -an -hour later., They had brought
him to a safe house, called in Dr. Lüdwitz, and started treating the first
few obvious physical things;, washing him, shaving him and cutting some of
the huge mane that his curly auburn hair had become.

Then the Cow had shooed everyone out of the room, getting a reproachful
glance from Dr. Lüdwitz, but receiving no comment, he was the boss after
all.

Cowley had painfully kneeled beside the bed, taking one frail,
aged-looking hand in his own, trying to avoid looking at the blue-streaked
arms. They'd had huge problems finding a viable vein for the
oh-so-necessary IVs.

"Ray?" No response.

"Lad, you are safe now, can you hear me?"

He had gently prodded for what had seemed an awful long time. Finally the
once brilliant green eyes had fluttered open. Fear, feral terror, nothing
else.

"Ray, it's me, the Cow..." He had felt like crying. "Get some rest, we'll
have you well again in no time." He had fled the bedside, unable to retain
his emotions any longer. He was almost out of the door when a small voice
had barely audibly whispered "help... me..."

Had he just imagined it? He turned, but the eyes were closed again.

He couldn't tell Bodie half of it, he was too afraid of the violent
reaction he was almost sure would follow. He decided to tell him some part
of the truth, the preliminary evaluation he had received from Dr. Lüdwitz
and the psychiatrist who had been called in urgently early in the night,
and of course the first blood test results which seemed to indicate an
abnormal quantity of different drugs up to the point it was a miracle the
man could still be alive. Ray Doyle had been a fit, healthy man six months
ago, no alcohol, no cigarettes. This had kept him alive. Cowley wondered
whether the end result was preferable to death.

They were still trying to determine where Doyle had been kept for six
months. It seemed impossible they had transported him abroad, but the
total lack of any advancement in the investigation up until the day
before, made the hypothesis more and more plausible.

Bodie was barely in control. "Now that I know the essentials, and I'm sure
you are hiding most of it, can I see him? PLEASE?" He was begging, his
head bowed.

"Do you really want to? He probably won't even recognise you."

A sour look was all it had taken to finally convince Cowley Bodie deserved
to face reality, no matter how hard this was going to be.

"Come." He paused in the outer office just to scribble a small note to
Betty, no need to alert her before she arrived in just a few hours.
Blessed Betty, she could wait, the news would be very hard on her as well.
She had known Doyle since he had entered CI5 all those years ago.

"Can't you drive a bit faster?" Worry was really bringing the worst of
Bodie out.

"Won't be long, Bodie."

When they arrived at the safe house, Murphy's car was parked just outside.

"You left me in my ignorance for what, twelve hours, and left Murphy here?
How dare you!"

"I couldn't really leave him alone, now, could I?" Cowley avoided the
blatant jealousy and just answered logically, hoping his man would stay
focused. "Before we go in, please promise me not to be shocked."

"Am I likely to be?"

"Aye, lad, I'm afraid so."

A nod was enough.

They knocked on the door. Jax answered.

"Any change?"

"No, Dr. Lüdwitz is still with him, but he didn't regain consciousness."

Cowley wasn't ready to tell either of them that Doyle had been conscious
for a few seconds when they were alone. It had even occurred to him that
it might just have been a dream. He just hoped that wouldn't be the last
time.

They went upstairs. "Remember, no unnecessary display of emotion."

Bodie didn't seem to hear him.

Cowley knocked softly on the door. "Good morning, Michael."

"Mister Cowley. Bodie."

"How is he?"

"No change. At least he doesn't seem to be getting worse."

Bodie went in. In the dim light his friend's face looked pale, almost
ghost-like, thin beyond belief. He got near the bed, struggling to keep
the tears back. Big boys don't cry. It was a hard lesson he had been
forced to learn very early into his mercenary days . They were supposed to
be over, but were they really? If Ray didn't make it...

Cowley and Dr. Lüdwitz were watching from the door, allowing them some
privacy.

"Will he make it?"

"Difficult to say, I'm not certain his brain is not damaged."

"How long before we know?"

"An hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? I really don't know."

Bodie sat heavily down. "Ray? Sunshine? Don't you dare leave me!"

Cowley put a hand on his shoulder. "Stay there, talk to him. I'm sure
it'll help him. You're officially off duty until further notice. Report
back to the office if you notice anything. I'll try to get some sleep on
the couch downstairs before going back to the office. Betty and the others
have a right to know."

"Thank you, sir."

Hours had passed, then days. They kept him under heavy sedation in the
hopes of letting at least some of the drugs wear off.

Bodie was there most of the time, talking, soothing, adjusting covers,
only going out when Cowley came and took his place. He knew the Cow was as
worried as he was. Bodie and Doyle, more than the younger agents were the
only family he had ever had. He had asked Murphy to go and fetch a few
personal items at his place and hadn't moved much since.

Murphy and Jax came around regularly, they acted mostly as relays between
HQ and the safe house. Dr Lüdwitz was never far away. In addition, the
psychiatrist was ready to intervene at the slightest indication Doyle
might regain consciousness. 

After almost two weeks Dr. Lüdwitz had decided to try to reduce the drugs
and see what would happen.

"How long will it take before he regains consciousness?"

"Couple of hours at least, but you never know."

They had sat and waited impatiently, getting up from time to time to ease
the tension.

Then suddenly: "B-b-bodie?"

"Ray, I'm here, keep calm."

"Thirsty..."

A nod from Dr. Lüdwitz. "Here, just a few drops, like that, good boy." He
allowed a small, shaky grin to show on his face. 

"I... sorry..."

"What for?"

"Away... so... long..."

"It wasn't your fault, you're here now."

"Doyle, you need to rest, don't talk too much." Cowley tried to keep firm,
but his face betrayed the relief he felt.

"Ray, you have been through a lot, are you in any pain?"

"Michael... still... with..."

"Yes, can't really go back, can I? Need to keep an eye on you now. I'm
going to give you a light sedative, just to allow you to sleep some and
keep any pain at bay."

"NO! Please..."

"Ray, it's for your own good."

"No... can't..."

"Try to get some sleep, do it for me, sunshine."

"No needles..."

"No, no needles, OK, I promise, but please try to stay calm."

Doyle was agitated, no doubt as a consequence of his ordeal. Nonetheless
he seemed to calm down a bit and after a few minutes his breathing became
more regular, and he was asleep again.

"I can't keep him without medications, and my deontology won't allow me to
inject anything when he's asleep unless it's an emergency."

"From what you told me he's so full of drugs it's a miracle he's alive,
correct?" Cowley had almost forgotten Bodie was still there, listening,
but it didn't matter anymore, they were in this together.

"Yes. Are you asking me what will happen when he starts feeling the need
for his next dose?"

"Bluntly put, yes."

"It won't be easy. It might be necessary to restrain him and it'll
probably take a very long time. He will beg you. But you'll need to be
firm. The less we keep him under sedation, the sooner the problems will
start. But the sooner we'll be able to help him."

"Shouldn't he be in a hospital?"

"Bodie, you know better than to ask those questions."

"We have treated most of the physical problems, what he really needs now
is friends. It won't be easy for any of you, of us. What he needs now is
someone who cares, and at the same time someone who is strong enough to
say "no"."

******

"Bodie?"

"I'm here Ray."

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long was I away?"

He had expected the question. The psychiatrist had said it was probably
better to tell the truth. Was Ray strong enough to cope with the answer?
Time to verify. "Six months, give or take a few days."

"I'm so sorry. I was careless. They got me as easy as they would have
gotten a baby."

"Don't think about it. You're back. That's the most important thing."

"I'm not sure I can go back to work just like that."

"What do you mean?" He had known this would come, still it was difficult
to deal with it.

"How can you trust me anymore? I've been tampered with. How can you be
sure I haven't been conditioned to betray? Six months is a long time,
Bodie."

"I know. I'm sure we'll find a way to sort that out."

"What if I can't be `readjusted'? What if I can't be fit again to be an
active member of the squad? I can't see myself doing anything else!" He
was dangerously sliding off to hysterics.

"Ray, please, it's too early. I'll be here with you, no matter what. Do
you want something to help you get some rest?"

"I don't want any rest, I want to know what is to become of me!"

"Ray, calm down, do you want me to call Michael?"

"NO! I don't want any medication any more!"

Bodie wanted to slap him, do anything to stop him pitying himself. It was
becoming unbearable.

"Ray, please..."

Cowley had chosen that moment to come in. His knocking on the door had
somehow placated Doyle.

Bodie knew this couldn't go unnoticed, he needed to report it, as much as
it pained him to.

******

A few hours later the first real abstinence crisis was in full swing.

"Please, Bodie. I need it. Just a little. Just to get me through. Please."

The begging tore at Bodie's heart, but he couldn't give in. Not now. Not
ever. The cost would be too high. Doyle's only hope now was his partner.
He was not going to let the man down again. He wished he could take his
place. He would give his soul if he could just take some of Doyle's pain
away.

"Please, Bodie." Doyle begged for the umpteenth time. "I'll do
anything...anything you want...just please..."

Bodie couldn't bring himself to look at his friend, couldn't bring himself
to look at what the drugs had done to his partner.

"Why don't you try and sleep some more, Ray. We can talk about it when you
wake up."

"I don't want to!" 

The needle went in smoothly and quickly, Doyle was asleep in a few
seconds, but not quickly enough to avoid Bodie seeing a pained expression
in his eyes. He got up too quickly and the chair cluttered to the floor.

"Bodie, emergency meeting in the kitchen, now!" Cowley had only heard some
of the exchange, but that seemed enough for him to grasp it all. "Michael,
you too, please."

"How long do you think you can handle Doyle, Bodie?"

"As long as it takes."

"It doesn't look like that, you know." Michael Lüdwitz's voice was soft
but firm.

"I can't stand and watch!"

"Then go back to active duty, Bodie. Work is sometimes the best of
medicines."

"With whom? Murphy? Jax? You're kidding, right?"

"Ray needs help. And so do you if you want to stand by his side."

"Fine. Then help me help him!"

Cowley's gaze never wavered. "We will, Bodie, we will."

******

The rest of the night had passed uneventfully, at long last giving Bodie
an opportunity to consider all that had happened since the phone call from
Cowley almost three weeks ago.

He had to concede this situation was not something that could be solved
with brute force or the use of weapons. Ray needed help, and Bodie's
simple presence at his side wouldn't be enough. He had troubled dreams,
but was grateful Dr. Lüdwitz was keeping an attentive, competent eye on
his partner in the next room. Things would need to be discussed soon, and
he was aiming to get the most out of the night.

It seemed he had only closed his eyes for a minute. Why was Cowley shaking
him?. 

"Bodie? Wake up lad."

"Is something the matter?" Long years in the military had taught him not
to linger in his dreams. His watch read 5.30.

"No, but I want an assessment of the situation together with Dr. Lüdwitz
and Dr. Ross before Ray wakes up."

"Give me five minutes."

"Make it three, the sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over. And don't
bother about Doyle, Jax will keep an eye on him and we'll leave the door
open. Just in case."

Bodie resented the implications of that last statement, but decided to let
it go. He slipped quickly into the bathroom and reached the study to be
greeted by Dr. Lüdwitz, and Dr. Ross, who was trying very hard to hide her
concern.

"What I would like you to do, Michael and Elizabeth, is a preview of what
we should expect, both physically and psychologically."

After sharing a quick glance with the psychologist, Dr Ludwitz spoke up.
"Well, you saw what happened last night. Out of experience, we should
expect further withdrawal crises where the only reasonable action will be
to physically restrain Ray, forcefully if necessary. Unless of course we
want to sedate him, which should not be our first choice. He will resent
it, but things will get worse before they get any better. And in this
instance it will prevent him from harming himself." Or us, he thought
grimly, but couldn't bring himself to voice it.

Cowley interrupted him. "Is he likely to be on withdrawal every waking
moment?" 

"No, he will have lucid moments where he'll be able to interact with his
surroundings as any normal person would do, possibly even remember the
difficult moments and discuss them objectively. The crises will come, but
it's quite impossible to guess when."

"Of course, the sooner I start with some form of psychological therapy,
the better. With him and eventually with you, Bodie." Dr. Ross's gaze and
voice were gentle, she knew Bodie enough to be able to avoid bruising his
ego. "I might need to resort to some form of hypnosis, but in that case
I'll need Ray's consent."

Dr. Lüdwitz was clearly unhappy at the idea of letting Dr. Ross handle
Doyle too soon. He made a point of redirecting the conversation towards
the physical problems. "Something I'm also worried about is the fact that
apparently Doyle has not been fed `normally' during his captivity. His
captors seem to have created an additional dependence by giving him the
strict minimum and only through IVs. I'm not sure how long it will take
his digestive system to readapt first to liquids and then solid food. And
I'd like to get him off the drip as soon as possible, maybe in the next
couple of days." 

There was a light knock on the door. "Bodie? Ray is awake and is asking
for you."

"Go to him. We have said the essentials." Cowley was hiding his concern by
using very crisp language.

"Hallo there!" Bodie forced a big grin on his face.

"Made myself a bit of a fool last night, didn't I?" The voice was weak,
the eyes feverish.

"You couldn't help it now, could you? Besides, you needn't worry, we're
here to help."

"You'd better tie me up next time, lest I hurt you or myself."

"You never told me you were into S. Besides we're not there yet, are we?"

Doyle fell silent for a few moments. "I'm cold."

"Wait here. I'll go and fetch a couple of extra blankets."

"Yeah, as if I'm likely to up and go any minute. Did you get some sleep
after all?"

"Yes, thanks. Are you feeling any better?"

"Almost ready for active service. Can I have some water, please?"

Bodie picked up a glass from the side table. "Just a small sip, there."

"Good morning, Ray." 

"Michael, you look terrible."

"I spent the night by your bedside, and you are a lousy snorer." This
elicited a weak smile and a twinkle in the green eyes, the first Bodie had
seen since Ray had been found.

"Bodie, I'd like to have a talk with Ray, in private. Go fetch some
breakfast, and bring some Swiss roll for me, will you? And close the door,
please. Thanks!"

Bodie grumbled but obliged the doctor and hurried downstairs. He was
starving.

"How do you feel?"

"Weak. Cold."

"Let me check. You have a very high temperature. The best thing would be
to inject antibiotics through the IV."

"Are you asking me?"

"Well, you seem coherent enough to me to discuss this honestly with you.
Remember the other day? `No more needles?'"

"Well, if I still need an IV then go for the injection, I'm in no real
position to jump on you, am I?"

"I have ethics, Ray, and your case is no exception."

"Then do it." The needle went in smoothly, Doyle kept still, eyes calm

"Michael?"

"Yes?"

"Will I get out of it?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

"I heard you these last few days, I haven't always been asleep you know."

"You were under heavy sedation."

"Well, I think I did hear some of what you've said, and it doesn't make me
happy. I'm a junkie, aren't I?"

Although he had discussed this with the rest of the team since visiting
Doyle just an hour after he had been discovered, Michael Lüdwitz was
amazed at the lucidity and analyzing capability of his patient. "I suppose
you could consider it that way."

"Elizabeth is here, isn't she?"

"Dr. Ross? Yes, she is, but you are still too weak for any therapy and she
knows it. She might want to talk to you informally, but I promise I'll be
right here."

"I don't feel like seeing a shrink right now."

"You don't need to, and as I said I want you to build up some of your
strength."

"I'm tired." The eyelids were drooping.

"Wait till Bodie is back, he'd kill me if I let you sleep before he has
any chance of comforting you."

"We aren't having an affair, despite what rumours say. We're just very
good friends."

"I know."

"Comes with the job, you know? Don't really have a choice when we are out
there."

"We who? Have you been betraying me sunshine?"

"Always eating, aren't you? For once I wish I could have a bite." The
sudden change in the subject hadn't gone unnoticed by Bodie, who instantly
knew he had interrupted some private musings and that Doyle wasn't ready
to talk about it.

"Ray, your digestive system is not accustomed to real food anymore. It'll
be some time before you are allowed Swiss roll." Dr. Lüdwitz played along,
and Bodie decided not to push things any further, doctor-patient
relationship and all.

"I feared you were going to say that."

"We'll start with liquids, but you are still a bit too weak to get rid of
the IV."

"Bodie? Stay with me for a while, will you? I feel sleepy, but I don't
want to be alone."

"Go to sleep, Ray. I'll be here when you wake up."

Bodie remained quiet until he was sure Doyle had fallen asleep. "Michael?"

"Yes, Bodie?"

"Is it normal for him to sleep so much?"

"Yes, it is. Remember, he's been through a lot and he's far from over it."

A few hours had passed. Cowley had brought him some paperwork to keep him
busy. Bodie hated that, but he couldn't afford to go on much longer
without pay and he couldn't leave Ray alone.

Doyle woke up around dinner time. "Bodie?"

"Hallo sleeping beauty!"

"Help me up, please."

"You still a bit weak for that, aren't you?"

"Just sitting, no more."

"Let me get Michael, I can't possibly do this alone." He got out of the
room before his mate could protest any further.

"He wants what?"

"Sit up on the bed, and I can't do it alone. I'm scared of hurting him
further."

"Are you aware how weak he still is?"

"I tried to reason him out of it. You're more than welcome to have a go
yourself."

They went in the room together. "Ray, you can't possibly do it." Dr.
Lüdwitz was using his best bedside manners.

"If you don't help me I'll do it alone."

"Stubborn as a copper, aren't you?"

"Well, I used to be one, remember?"

"OK, we are going to try it, but please stop us if you feel dizzy or
uneasy at any time, there is no shame. And try to keep your left arm as
still as possible. Your veins are still fragile and I don't want the IV to
get displaced. Bodie, on my count of three. Remember Ray, any problems
give us a shout. Gently."

Dr. Lüdwitz put a hand behind Doyle's head for support, the other below
his armpit and gently pulled up.

Bodie was appalled at how light Doyle felt. His partner had always been
slighter in build, but never had he felt the enormity of what Doyle must
have been through more than in that precise moment.

Doyle felt queasy, but forced himself to go on.

"You still OK?"

"Yeah, go on."

They put a few cushions behind his back so that he was more or less in a
half-sitting position. A sudden surge of nausea made him grimace. He
closed his eyes.

"Ray, this is too early."

"No, it isn't. Just leave me here for a few seconds more, will you?" He
was struggling with all his might not to show any of his weakness, but he
was like an open book to Bodie.

"Ray, come on, you don't need to play the hero."

Cowley came into the room. His steel blue eyes widened at seeing his agent
sitting up.

"Now that the boss has seen you, play nice and lay down again. Besides,
what tricks are you going to perform in the next few days if you achieve
everything tonight?"

They helped him back down. Doyle was white and sweaty with the effort.

Cowley sat down in the chair. "Bodie, Michael, dinner's ready. I'll stay
here for a while."

"Thank you sir. See you later, sunshine."

When the two men had left, Doyle turned to his boss. "Sir?"

"What is it Doyle?"

"Have you ever doubted I'd be back?"

"Not really, no. Besides, Bodie wouldn't let me."

"Then why did you want to issue a `presumed dead' declaration?"

"How did you know this?"

"I heard you talking about it." Cowley had been informed of the earlier
admission from Dr. Lüdwitz, but still found it a bit unnerving being told
directly.

"What do you mean?"

"I know you had me under sedation, but somehow I knew what was going on,
what you were talking about. Mind you, not all the time, but often enough.
Remember the other time I was lying in a coma?"

"When Mayli shot you?"

"Yes. I remember listening to the discussion between you and the surgeon,
the hypothesis you made that I was subconsciously working hard to decide
whether to live or let go? You never discussed this with me, yet I knew.
By the way, your suppositions were correct. I found the whole concept very
disturbing at the time, but now I'm not quite so afraid of these
phenomena. They are there, I need to cope with them."

Cowley was silent for a moment. Then, as if on afterthought he said: "I'm
letting Bodie go home tonight. He's not left the safe house since we
brought you here. He's not happy about it, but I really think he needs a
good night's sleep. I'm taking his place."

"He deserves some rest, but I want to see him before he goes."

Bodie was just coming in and had overheard Doyle's last comment. "Every
wish of yours will become reality, sunshine. I'm going home, just for the
night. Need to grab a few things. I'll be right back in the morning.
Behave yourself! Ciao!" He gently passed his hand through his friend's
hair and was gone.

"Do you think you might be able to remember some of what has happened to
you in the last few months?"

"I don't know. I still feel so confused."

"I know. It's probably still a bit early, but if ever anything comes to
mind which might be important don't be afraid to speak up. Dr. Ross might
be of help, but Dr. Lüdwitz told me he doesn't think you're ready yet.
Would you accept hypnosis?"

"I don't know. It feels so much like a breach of privacy."

Cowley fell silent. He and Doyle made some small talk before it was clear
Doyle was having no more. Cowley left the room for a few minutes before
settling himself comfortably in the chair. His leg was killing him, but he
had responsibilities towards his man and he wouldn't back off.

He must have dozed off, because he woke with a start. Doyle was shouting.

"NO! NO! Let me go! I can't stand it anymore!"

This was terribly unnerving. The shouts became a whine, unbearable, almost
inhuman. He tried to comfort Doyle, and wake him up, to no avail. The man
was thrashing around, every movement a menace to the IV needle in his arm.
He didn't dare move, but he knew he needed help, quickly.

"Michael! Help! Quick!" He was shouting, but he had no other option.

Dr. Lüdwitz was sleeping in the other room. The door was closed but he was
there in a moment.

"He's having a bad nightmare, and I can't wake him up."

"Ray! Wake up, Ray! Oh, come on, man!" No response. The thrashing went on.
Cowley had the impression it was getting worse.

"You know I don't like injecting him with anything without his consent,
but this is an emergency. If you could just pass me my bag over there.
Thank you, Major."

The drug took effect almost immediately, the beads of sweat on Doyle's
forehead the only testimony of the ordeal he had just gone through. He was
sleeping peacefully, albeit thanks to artificial help. Dr. Lüdwitz had
attached Doyle's left wrist to the side of the bed to prevent any possible
problem with the drip.

"Has this anything to do with the exertion of sitting up earlier?"

"Not necessarily. I was afraid this would come. Nightmares are a fairly
common element in rehab patients."

"Will he remember anything?"

"I don't know, because it's not just one drug. He might, but that could be
a disadvantage in that he could sink into depression thinking he can't get
back to a normal life. And he's not far from there as it is."

"What shall we do now?"

"He should sleep for a few hours. Do you want me to take your place?"

"Oh, no, thank you. You need the sleep, and I'm quite comfortable." 

"Well, just let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you, Michael."

When Bodie arrived in the morning he found Cowley asleep on his chair,
Doyle with his wrist still attached to the bed. Before he could check
himself he felt his anger rise.

"Why did you restrain Ray? He was fine when I left! Did you decide you
needed some sleep and it would be easier like that? Did you at least wait
until he was asleep?"

Cowley woke up, and immediately made a point of showing who was in charge
there.

"Lower your voice Bodie." Then more gently, "come, we need to talk."

Dr. Lüdwitz was just emerging from the other bedroom. "You of all people.
Why did you let this happen?"

"What? The restraints? I did them, Bodie. I don't want to discuss this in
Ray's room, but we need to wait for Jax to arrive so someone can keep an
eye on him while we talk."

Bodie brooded, but the others kept resolutely silent until the dark shape
of the younger agent appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Keep an eye on Doyle, Jax. I need to have a talk with Bodie and Michael."

It only took the Controller and the doctor a few minutes to relate what
had been going on the previous night. Bodie didn't look convinced, but he
had to accept the explanations at face value.

"And you say he's still sleeping off whatever you gave him to calm him
down?"

"Yes, though he might wake up any minute. I'd like to have you there when
he does, just in case he's still agitated. You seem to have a calming
influence on him. We'll stay there ready to answer any questions he may
have. And he probably will have a few."

When Doyle finally woke up, he couldn't remember anything from the
previous night. 

He saw Bodie's anger lingering in the blue eyes and followed his gaze to
where his wrist was still held. "Bodie, they did the right thing, stop
fussing."

Cowley tried to cut the tension. "Ray, I think it would be good if the
episode was reported to Dr. Ross. She might be able to help."

"I feel fine, only a bit tired."

"Well, at least this should teach you not to sit up before you're ready."
Bodie's tone was a bit sour despite the intent to be facetious.

******

A few days had gone by. Doyle was still very weak, but now he was allowed
to sit up in bed, every day a bit longer.

Dr. Ross had started seeing him, asking questions, trying to gather
whatever could be gained without too much stress for Doyle. Despite her
professionalism Ray felt drained every time she left the room. Finally she
decided to discuss this with Cowley.

"He's very cooperative, but doesn't seem to be able to remember much. I
fear hypnosis will be necessary. But I don't know how much we can gain
there considering the amount of drugs. I must say that he's coping very
well after all he's been through."

"Do what you can, Doctor, and please let me know if you get anywhere."

One afternoon Bodie was keeping him company.

"Got your gun with you?"

"Why?"

"Just asking."

"No. I always leave it downstairs when I come in."

"Would you go and fetch it for me?"

"You don't want to commit suicide, do you, sunshine?" Bodie kept a light
banter, but inside he was becoming very scared.

"No, it would leave too much of a mess. I want to feel it in my hands, see
if I'll ever be able to get into active duty again. You can leave the
bullets out."

"Are you serious?"

"Deadly. Come on, Bodie, no one needs to know about it."

"You know ordinarily I'm not a strict abider to rules, but not on this
one, Ray. I'll talk with the Cow, see what he says. Either that or
nothing."

As if on cue, Michael Lüdwitz came into the room.

"Ray, I'm going to take off the drip. How does that sound?"

Doyle looked down at his left arm. "It's about time."

"This might hurt a bit considering the state of your veins. But I'd rather
do it in one move. Ready?"

"When you are."

"And for dinner some real food."

"Now that's good news!"

"Remember, you are likely to feel nauseous. And more important still, now
that the IV is off any shot I might need to administer will go through
your skin and not through the tube."

"I suppose I can live with that. Ouch!"

"Sorry. Keep your arm bent and still for a while to avoid any bleeding."

The dinner was an ordeal. Ray had to suppress a few gagging reflexes, and
his stomach didn't seem too cooperative with the renewed sensations after
such a long time. In the end Dr. Lüdwitz was nevertheless satisfied that
something had settled and had decided to leave it at that.

Meanwhile Bodie had gone to see Cowley.

"He asked you for what?"

"My gun. No bullets, just the possibility to hold it in his hands, feel
the old sensations again, I suppose."

"Do you think this is wise?"

"I don't know, but I didn't want to do it behind your back."

"Then do it, but I want both doctors present when it happens."

Bodie had gone downstairs to pick up his gun in the small, locked armoury,
making sure no bullet was left in the magazine.

"Here we are sunshine. I know it's not your choice of weapon, but this
will have to do for the time being."

Michael Lüdwitz, Elizabeth Ross and the Cow were watching carefully if a
bit inconspicuously from the door. Bodie put the gun in Doyle's
outstretched right hand and let go.

The fingers curled around the butt, then slowly, almost painfully, the arm
went up. The effort was evident on Doyle's sweaty face. The left hand went
to join the right. He trembled violently. He wasn't able to do more, he
simply couldn't hide his weakness.

"Thank you."

"We can try again tomorrow, it will be our very personal way of judging
your strength." A furtive glance at Dr. Lüdwitz told Bodie this might
indeed be a good idea. A boost to Doyle's morale and a way of checking on
his progress.

As the days went by, Doyle's strength came back, slowly, but steadily. His
crises were further apart, his moods improving constantly.

One morning Dr. Lüdwitz confronted Cowley. "I think he's ready to get up
from bed."

"Have you told Bodie yet?"

"No, I think we could set up a surprise for him when he comes in
tomorrow."

"Good idea, he too needs a smile from time to time."

"I'll talk with Ray and see if we can do a kind of `rehearsal' tonight.
After all, he's been improving well ."

"Do it, and if you need any help just let me know."

"Thank you Major."

That night they had sent Bodie on an errand. If he had sensed anything he
hadn't shown it.

"Ray?"

"Hallo Michael."

"Did you enjoy your dinner?"

"Well, it's a change from the IV or even the jelly."

"How would you feel getting out of bed for a change?"

"You must be kidding."

"No. Want to have a try?"

"I always like challenges. Shouldn't Bodie be here?"

Cowley approached him as well. "No, lad, but I am."

"Right. We'll take all the time you need, just swing your legs on the
side, and when you're ready we'll give it a try."

Doyle was eager, but he also feared making a fool of himself in front of
his boss. He slowly moved his legs, then airily said, "Do I need to do
this all alone?"

"Don't rush, just tell me `now', OK? And put your slippers on, the floor
is cold."

Michael and the Cow positioned themselves on Doyle's sides.

"Now!"

He got up, possibly a bit too quickly, because he felt a wave of
dizziness. It didn't go unnoticed.

"Still OK?"

"Yes, I was just swaying for a fraction of a second." He couldn't believe
it was finally happening. Seconds passed then, "Let me go."

"You sure?"

"I'm not going to run the marathon, I just wish to stand on my own for a
moment."

They let him go, ready to catch him. He felt anything but steady, but he
was back on his feet again and it felt good. He knew he couldn't last much
longer, but God, there had been times when he had felt he'd never be able
to stand again.

Dr. Lüdwitz caught his tired expression. "OK, Ray, time for bed. Tomorrow
we'll try again so that you can show off in front of Bodie."

The following morning Bodie came in to be blocked by a seemingly
belligerent Murphy.

"You can't go up."

"Why? What happened?"

"Michael and the Cow are in there. They'll call you soon."

"Something wrong with Ray?"

"Sorry, Bodie, I am not at liberty to tell you anything."

Cowley came out just then. "Bodie, come upstairs. Now!"

He ran up the stairs, two steps at a time.

"What the...?"

"Good morning, Bodie."

"Ray? Ray!" The tough features he always worked so hard to maintain
dissolved in a fraction of a second. He was grinning broadly, almost
sheepishly. "Tell me this is no dream, and if it is, don't you dare wake
me up!"

"No Bodie, it's no dream. But now help me sit down, you took too long to
come up the stairs, I'm getting tired."

From that point on, Doyle's improvement had gone smoothly. The day had
finally come for him to go home.

"Do you know what day it is today?" Bodie was driving, for once Cowley was
cramped in the back of the Capri, Doyle had the honour of the passenger's
seat.

"One year ago, today, you dropped me in front of my place..."

"Do you remember what you said just before getting out of the car?"

"No. Was it something important?"

"You refused to come out and have a drink with me. I won't allow history
to repeat itself."

"And I'm paying for all the rounds." Cowley was at his most cheerful.

"WELCOME HOME RAY!" 

A single, happy tear finally managed to run down the shattered cheekbone.

"Thank you."

"And don't forget, tomorrow morning in my office at eight sharp. You've
lost enough time in rehab, and so has Bodie." Neither agent had ever seen
a broader grin on the Controller's face. 

The collective groan which resulted was one borne more of relief than of
unhappiness. Things were getting back to normal.

Doyle would have to spend the next few months on light, boring, office
duty, full physical recovery still lay sometime in the future. He would
need to go through thorough retraining, but he didn't mind. Business was
finally getting back to normal.

-- THE END --

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