The Professionals Circuit Archive - Laying the Ghost to Rest	    
Laying the Ghost to Rest

 

by LH

  
 I knew I was in trouble as soon as Cowley radioed through to the car
while we were on the way back to London and told me to get myself checked
out with the doctor when we got back. Apparently he'd already fixed up an
appointment for me. Well, to him it was a mere formality - he didn't know
what had happened, did he? 

And under normal circumstances I'd even have been grateful he seemed
concerned, but I was so scared that day...didn't know what to do. I was so
desperate about not wanting anyone to know...not even Bodie, let alone the
doctor... 

Crazy...I knew I was reacting as if it was my own fault or something, but
that's how I felt. I was as disgusted with myself as I was with Parker...I
was starting to understand how women must feel when the same thing happens
to them... 

Bodie hadn't a clue of course. He was a bit concerned - well, we'd already
started discussing it a bit on the drive back, and he knew about the
burned hands too, which were killing me. 

He reckoned I was pretty badly bruised and had a couple of broken ribs as
well, 'cos it was hell trying to breathe...but that was all that was wrong
as far as he was concerned. 

Christ, I was so determined he wasn't gonna know either. Just the idea of
him finding out...well there was no way I was ever gonna let him find
out... 

I remember that car ride so well, for lots of reasons...mainly the pain I
was in... 

I was still remembering it all too, and trying not to. Weird how life just
carries on as usual no matter what... 

And there was Bodie - safe and normal and jokey...reassuring somehow. He
was full of beans...glad to have me back in one piece I suppose - or what
he thought was one piece... 

Just the sight of that funny, lovable, sardonic face of his and the stupid
bloody inconsequential chatter he was making as he drove...trying to take
my mind off things...well, it was so precious to me that day I could have
cried. Pathetic I know, but that's how I felt... 

I couldn't get Parker out of my mind though, no matter how I tried, he
kept coming back to haunt me...cold, sadistic, evil bastard. Christ, I've
come across some characters in my time, but never anyone as low as him... 

When I think of the kick he got out of it too. Course I should have known
right from the start, before we even left the hotel...stupid that...I
should have known when he shot the receptionist, so coldbloodedly...but I
never learn. I still had to have a go, didn't I? And later in the car I
still kept goading him about killing the girl, needling him till he hit me
again... 

Christ, why didn't I have the sense to see that was exactly the wrong
thing to do with a bastard like him? He's the sort who gets high on that
kind of provocation. 

Still didn't give a rest though, did I? Not even when he gave me fair
warning and said "If we get to spend a little time together I'm gonna find
out exactly what makes you tick..." 

God, I can still remember the way he said that...and it was nothing to
what he was like once he got me down in the cellar of the house... 

I'd come round enough by the time he hauled me out of the car to hazard a
pretty good guess we were at Avery's place - Beechings or Beechcroft, or
whatever it's called. And the only thing I could cling to as he started to
lay into me was that Cowley already knew about the place and there was a
slim chance they might be able to get me out. 

Christ, if it *was* Avery's place, Bodie might be outside at that moment
on surveillance. So close...maybe even having seen Parker drag me inside,
but unable to make a move... 

I thought a lot about Bodie while Parker was doing what he so obviously
got such a kick out of doing to me. I kept seeing Bodie's face,
remembering all the good times we'd shared...needing him so...I remembered
all the little things, especially kept picturing him sitting behind the
wheel of the car like he does you know...so dependable and capable
somehow. 

Christ, but Parker was disgusting. Not that I hadn't come across his sort
before. I'm no innocent, and I've been in a few heavy situations in my
time, especially when I was on the Force but this was something else
again. 

Worst of all was when I couldn't stop myself from responding, at least to
the right kind of stimulus. Made me feel in some crazy kind of way that my
body was betraying me, as if it was separate from the real me, because all
the time my mind was screaming no...

God, he loved that. That's where the real pleasure lies for his sort. Oh
yeah, he really enjoyed that, knowing he'd got to me at last...Christ I
hated myself... 

"You take it easy, you hear," he said after he'd finished and done up my
clothes again, and hit me a few more times. "Think about what you've got
coming next..." 

Come to think of it I don't know why he bothered putting my clothes right.
Suppose in case anyone saw me and realized what he'd done. Not that there
was that much to see on the surface...he was clever at hiding it too... 

Oh yeah, he was a master of the art was Parker. Scared me just as much as
he'd intended with that little parting comment of his too, and it takes a
lot to scare me. 

Amazing how you can pull yourself together and push it all to the back of
your mind though when you have to. When I finally managed to burn the
ropes away just before he came back to finish me off, I was so busy
beating him to a pulp there was nothing, absolutely nothing else in my
mind. Christ, I enjoyed it. Forgot the pain and the humiliation and really
laid into him, could have killed him without a second thought. Dunno why I
didn't, come to think of it. Something stopped me. Still can't figure out
why I didn't go all the way with him. I wanted to all right. Maybe CI5
conditioning's pretty good after all... 

I left him a mess though and that was the main thing. Made me feel
better... 

And after that, when I heard the gunfire from outside and knew for sure
Bodie had to be out there, I could have cried with relief. 

I was too busy helping him out then, doing what comes naturally, to think
about anything else, except perhaps how he'd probably not had Cowley's
permission to go in singlehanded like that. Choked me up a bit to realize
that because it meant he'd risked his life for me - again. 

Maybe we do have a weird kind of telepathy going between us, Bodie and I.
We've often joked about it, but maybe he just *knew* how much I needed his
help that day, and that's what made him move when he did. 

When it was all over and Cowley had arrived with perfect timing as usual,
just as soon as the shooting'd stopped, I heard him laying into Bodie
about disobeying orders like I'd suspected. Bodie just looked back at him
kind of angry, you know, how he does...and said something about he
couldn't let them get me. Could have hugged him for it. Course Cowley took
it the wrong way as usual, didn't he? Thought Bodie meant he couldn't let
them get Ojuka...daft old sod...doesn't he know how close we are? I've
often wondered about that. Seems to me he can't *not* know...not after all
this time. Maybe he just doesn't want to accept it and ignores it on
purpose...too heavy for him... Well I have a hard time imagining Cowley
ever being *that* close to anyone. 

I knew I was still OK at that point..on the outside at least, even though
everything was starting to go haywire inside. Amazing how normal you can
appear. I know I managed to keep it up for quite a while too...I even made
some daft joke to Bodie about not being able to do my violin practice with
my hands in that state, before we left... 

The shock didn't really start to get to me till we were on the drive back
to London. And, as I say, it's amazing how you can hold up when you need
to. It's only when it's all over you start to crumple, and Christ, did I
start to crumple... 

Could feel myself starting to fall apart while we were still in the car.
Bodie must have noticed it too, well, I couldn't very well control it,
could I? But he didn't say anything. Tactful, that's Bodie. He knew
whatever had happened had hit me pretty hard but I suppose he reckoned it
wasn't the right time to talk about it. 

I remember I wanted to tell him how good it felt having him there...but I
couldn't even manage that. 

When we got out of the car I think I must have been a bit shaky cos Bodie
put his arm around my shoulder as we walked inside. It felt good...warm
and heavy and natural somehow...as if it had a right to be there... 

I was still turning over ways of avoiding the check up at that point, but
I knew there was no real way of getting out of it. I know better than to
disobey one of Cowley's direct orders for a start. That would only have
made him suspicious. So I figured the only thing to do was fake it...with
a bit of luck the doctor'd only be concerned with the obvious surface
injuries and I figured I might be OK if I didn't volunteer much
information. 

I'll swear even then that Bodie sensed there was something seriously
wrong. I could tell, just from his attitude and the thoughtful look on his
face. Oh yeah, Bodie's brain was ticking over all right. He'd caught a
quick look at Parker when they'd carted him off to the ambulance too, and,
like I've said, he looked a bit of a mess by the time I'd finished with
him. I remember Bodie'd glanced over at me with a real surprised look on
his face when he saw him, and said, "Christ, you really went to town on
this one, didn't you, Ray?" and then asked one of the ambulancemen if
Parker'd live. Unfortunately the ambulancemen said yes... 

I mean, Bodie knows I can get very violent when I let rip, but this was a
bit extreme even by my standards, so I reckon he must have started to
figure something was wrong even then... 

I was lucky though. Goulding was the doctor on duty that day...very
lucky...cos he's the one I would have picked. Has a reputation for not
being too thorough has Goulding. Lazy old sod actually...close to
retirement and can't wait to leave...you know the sort of thing. I
personally think CI5 should've put him out to grass years ago, but I
didn't mind it being him that day. I was glad to see him in fact... 

But all at once I couldn't stand the thought of Bodie being there when
Goulding started to examine me. I mean, Bodie wouldn't be watching or
anything, but I just couldn't bear the thought of him even being around
while that was going on, so I told him to go, said I'd be fine and that
I'd take a taxi home. 

He didn't like that. Started to look a bit doubtful, and took a bit of
persuading, too. He set his chin in that determined way he has sometimes
and said he'd rather hang on and wait for me cos Goulding'd said it
wouldn't take long. Yeah, well, like I say, Goulding has a reputation for
not being too thorough. 

I was getting a bit uptight by that time though so I just came right out
with it. Was a bit ratty I think...which I hate...but it was the only way
to get rid of Bodie. Told him to get lost, said he wasn't doing either of
us any good by hanging around, and why the hell couldn't he just leave me
alone when I asked him to. 

Christ, I dunno why I'm like that with Bodie sometimes. I shouldn't be.
He's the last person I should choose. But there're times I just can't help
it. I hurt him so much that day though. He's so soft under that tough
exterior and so easily hurt, especially by me. Maybe that's why I do it,
in a perverse kind of way. Because I know I *can* hurt him if I want to.
Got a lousy streak in me you see...I don't like it, but I don't seem to be
able to do anything about it. 

I could see the hurt in his eyes when I said that...terrible...but he
covered it well, like he always does...called me a selfish, cantankerous
little sod...sounding really angry...said he didn't know why he should
even bother with me because I wasn't worth the effort. 

Then he said he'd call me at home that night once he'd caught up on his
kip and turned his back on me and walked away. 

I felt...Christ, I dunno what I felt...hurt I suppose...hurt all over...in
my body and my mind and my soul...if there *is* such a thing. 

The examination didn't help either. Goulding tried to hide his reaction,
but I saw his eyes widen when I got undressed and he saw what a mess I was
in. Yeah, well, he was an expert, was Parker...good at his job, I'll give
him that...specially when the victim has his hands tied behind his back
and can't defend himself. 

Getting undressed and standing there in front of Goulding, and having him
look me over wasn't easy either. Kept making me think of Parker again, and
the way *he'd* looked at me...not that Goulding was looking at me in the
same way. He was all cool professional concern and nothing else...but it
was still bloody embarrassing. I'm not usually shy about my body but I was
that day. 

And when he started touching me, even though it was gently, it set my
nerves on edge so much I had to stop myself from pushing his hands away.
And that was apart from the pain - the slightest touch was agony. 

Thing was, I just didn't wanna be touched...by anyone, not even by a
doctor. Pathetic I know, but I couldn't help the way I was feeling. 

He tested the ribs first and that was pretty straightforward and not as
bad as I'd expected. Not broken, he said, just severe bruising, but he
took a couple of X-rays anyway, just to be on the safe side. My nipples
were a bit of a mess...but I was hoping they wouldn't attract too much
attention because the whole of my chest was in a bad way too, and they
sort of blended in with it. He passed over them without comment
anyway...just said something about them looking very sore and he'd give me
some salve to ease it. 

It was when he asked me to take my pants off that I really got nervous,
but I managed it somehow. I was very bruised...and this time he *did* ask
me about it, so I just said the first thing that came into my head and
told him the bastard had kneed me in the balls...repeatedly... 

He didn't make any comment about that either...just looked at me in a
funny, sympathetic sort of way for a minute or two. I really didn't know
if he had any idea about what had happened or not. Thank God he didn't
really start touching me there though. That I wouldn't have been able to
stand. 

He asked me if there were any other injuries I could think of that weren't
visible...any other aches and pains...in an embarrassed sort of way, so I
just shook my head, said none that I could think of. And that was it.
Well, he told me I could get dressed anyway, after he'd bandaged my chest.
He gave me some ointment and some painkillers, said there was no need for
hospitalization, for which I was grateful...that he'd notify me if the
X-rays didn't turn out OK, and in the meantime I was simply to rest. Then
he wrote me out a sick note for two weeks, and told me to arrange to see
him again then. 

That was something I could have done without. I mean I knew I wasn't fit
for work for a couple of days, but two weeks off were the last thing I
needed. I reckoned the sooner I was back at work, occupying my time and my
mind the better. I remember trying to argue it out with him, but he wasn't
having any of it. Told me very firmly that he wasn't having any arguments,
that I was out of action for at least two weeks and that was all there was
to it. 

Just before I left he said a very funny thing though, which made me think
he might have his suspicions. Said it was obvious the man who'd done this
was extremely vicious...asked me how I was feeling emotionally, and
reminded me that if I was finding it hard to come to terms with the
violence perhaps I should call on Mr. Levison's services. 

Levison's the CI5 shrink, so you can understand why I felt a bit
perturbed. Goulding didn't push it, just made the suggestion and left it
at that...but I remember it embarrassed me. Think I even flushed...then
mumbled something about no, I was fine, but thanks for the offer anyway. 

I suppose if I was made differently I could have taken Goulding up on the
offer and gone to see Levison. It might have eased things a bit. But I've
never been to a shrink in my life and I'm not gonna start now. Never felt
I needed one. Christ, I think people should sort out their own problems
anyway...unless it's too severe... In any case there was no way I felt I
could talk about this to anyone...even though I knew it'd be confidential
enough if I did. Levison isn't like the other CI5 psychologists who assess
you and keep records. I mean, this really is a proper private,
confidential service like any citizen'd get...courtesy of George Cowley of
course... 

It wasn't that that put me off, it was the very idea of talking about
it... 

Goulding gave me a second little bottle of pills as I was leaving too and
when I asked him what they were, told me they were for the shock, which,
although I might not realize it, would get worse before it got better.
Mild tranquilizers he said, which'd help me to get some sleep too, and he
was very insistent I should take them. Said one three times a day on the
bottle, plus two at night if necessary. 

All a bit humiliating when you think about it...tranquilizers...specially
for a CI5 man...but I thanked him anyway. I reckoned I was gonna need
them. 

And Christ, I was suddenly so weary. It was an effort even to think. I
could hardly talk coherently to him anymore, and I didn't wanna be
bothered with any of it. Just wanted to curl up in a hole somewhere and be
left completely alone. He must have noticed because he ordered a taxi for
me and put me inside, and then gave the driver my address. Probably
wouldn't have been capable of it myself... 

Not that I had much chance of peace and quiet when I got back home. Bodie
was already there, sitting lounging on the sofa with his feet propped up
on the coffee table, munching a bag of crisps and watching the horse
racing on TV. He must have decided not to bother about catching up on his
sleep, which was good of him...I mean to come round to see me
straightaway, considering how ratty I'd been with him. 

I was glad to see him too in a funny kind of way. He was the only person I
felt I could stand to have around and suddenly I didn't want to be alone.
Yeah, I was glad he was there. 

I was feeling a bit better by this time anyway, having taken a couple of
painkillers in the cab on the way home. They were working very well,
too... I'll give Goulding that much...the pain was down to an acceptable
dull ache by that time. 

Makes you feel good just to look at Bodie sometimes. He's got what you'd
call a very pleasant, lookable face. But I still pushed his grubby feet
off the coffee table before I sat down in the armchair facing him. Not
like him to do that. He's usually very fussy - about other people's
belongings as well as his own. 

He didn't seem to take offence though...just asked "What's the verdict
then? What'd the quack say?" in that aggravatingly over cheerful manner he
uses when he's trying to hide something. 

That made me feel very uncomfortable, so I just gave him as quick a resume
of my acceptable injuries as I could and left it at that. 

He was watching me very intently, listening hard, nodding from time to
time at what I was saying; all his jokiness gone suddenly. And that made
me even more uncomfortable. The jokiness was easier to cope with somehow.
I remembered how lousy I'd been to him when we first got back to London
then, and told him I was sorry...said I hadn't meant it, asked him to make
allowances...I'd only been like that because I was feeling so lousy. I
usually don't enjoy admitting I've been in the wrong to anyone...apologies
don't come easily to me, but it's never been so hard with Bodie. And when
I need to apologize to him, which is quite a lot because I so often behave
badly with him, I always mean it. I always *want* to do it. What I mean
is, it's never just for appearances. There's never been anyone else who's
ever made me feel like that. Suppose what I'm saying is I've never
respected anyone as much as I respect Bodie... 

When I'd finished he just sort of carried on looking at me for a while in
a very deep, probing kind of way, those magnificent eyes of his filled
with...oh, Christ, I dunno...so many things...concern for a start and a
lot more besides...some things I was even scared to put a name to, and
then said, "Well, if I were you, sunshine, I'd take a couple of pills like
the doctor said and get to bed for a few hours. You look all in." 

His voice was very gentle too. I wasn't used to having Bodie being quite
so gentle with me...tolerant of my ways as he is... 

He looked sort of edgy too though...and he suddenly stopped looking at me
then, like he was embarrassed or something. It was all making me feel very
weird, even though I was glad he was there. 

I was finding I was very aware of him physically too, in an uncomfortable
sort of way. I dunno if Parker had anything to do with it but it was as if
I was looking at Bodie with new eyes, suddenly seeing things I'd never
noticed about him before. 

The length of those dark eyelashes for a start, and the chiselled almost
beautiful bone structure of his face, and the way his hair'd probably be
as curly as mine given half a chance, if he'd only let it grow a bit
longer, which of course is why he doesn't...that'd be effeminate in
Bodie's book...and that incongruously turned up nose too. One of the
cutest noses I've ever seen. Too cute by far for an ex-mercenary...and the
capable beauty of his hands resting loosely in his lap...those square-
tipped, practical fingers...powerful hands...good hands...straightforward
and without affectation...like Bodie himself underneath all the show... 

I was aware of the carefully controlled power in the whole of that strong
body too...noticed the thickness of muscles in shoulder and thigh...found
myself wondering just what it might be like to be held very tightly by
Bodie... 

That was when I stopped myself. Christ, I was scared to death. Couldn't
understand why I was suddenly thinking this way about him of all
people...specially in view of what I'd just gone through. But there were
no two ways about it, I was very sexually aware of him at that moment and
it confused the hell out of me. 

Why should I start thinking about Bodie like that, now of all times? When
I was actively beginning to think I never wanted to be physically close to
another human being, male or female, for the rest of my life? 

It was all too much for me, so I got up and said, "Yeah, I think I will
turn in at that. Feel knackered." 

"Need any help?" he asked, sort of awkward and hesitant - which are two
things you'd never normally associate with Bodie. "I mean, with getting
undressed or anything..." he added, "can you manage?" 

I was very definite about that. There was no way I wanted him to see me in
my present condition, plus the fact that I still wasn't keen on the idea
of getting undressed in front of anyone, even Bodie...which shows how
badly I was feeling, because we've been naked and semi-naked in front of
each other literally dozens of times as a matter of course - both on the
job and off it. I mean, I dunno about women, but men don't think twice
about these things with each other, do they? At least I never had
before... 

He didn't quibble about that, just shrugged. Well, he understands when I
need to be independent of him. Then he said, "Well, I'll hang around for a
while if that's ok...wanna watch the next couple of races anyway..." and
promptly turned his gaze away from me and back to the TV set. 

That's when I started to get suspicious because it was the lousiest
performance I'd ever seen him give. He wasn't fooling me one bit. But what
could I say? If I made a big thing of it and insisted on being by myself,
he'd know for sure there was something wrong cos it was our natural way to
spend as much time as we liked with each other and no questions asked. 

So I pretended to be as casual as he was, though I could feel my heart
thumping at the unacceptable thought of Bodie even suspecting what had
happened to me. Anyway, I shrugged, said, "Suit yourself," and left him to
it. 

I took one of Goulding's tranquilizers before I climbed into bed. Well,
just to be on the safe side. I was so weary I didn't feel I needed
anything to help me sleep...but I didn't wanna be lying there thinking
about it... 

I managed to have a shower too, and felt better for it, even though it was
a hell of an effort to get the bloody bandages off from round my chest. My
neck and shoulders hurt so much I could hardly lift my arms to do it, like
jabbing knives shooting through me, but I knew I couldn't risk taking any
more painkillers. 

I managed it eventually, and I'm glad I did. It was the first chance I'd
had to wash and I took advantage of it, soaping myself for ages, even
though the water hurt, lukewarm though it was. In a stupid, neurotic kind
of way I felt I was finally managing to wash away every trace of Parker's
dirty, filthy bloody hands and mouth...

I was so all in by the time I staggered back into the bedroom I took one
look at the crumpled bandages lying on the bed and decided I couldn't be
bothered putting them back on again. They'd do later if I put them back on
at all. 

It was crazy...even though I was exhausted I could feel myself so strung
out with tension I knew I couldn't sleep, even with the pills... 

I was right too. Well, I dropped off eventually, but it must have taken a
good hour and a half and then it was only a light doze...and I kept waking
up with my nerves jumping, and then dropping off again. Even that didn't
last long though. The third or fourth time I woke up screaming my head off
if I remembered rightly. 

Christ, it was some nightmare. Not about Parker, funnily enough. I suppose
that little experience hadn't had enough time to sink into my
subconscious, but it was just as unpleasant... 

Can't remember the ins and outs of it now, I just know I was dying and I
was covered in huge, loathsome insects and they were eating away at my
flesh...bloody horrible...and they say you've gotta be the toughest of the
tough to get into CI5...some joke, if I can have dreams like that and
still be in CI5... 

Bodie was there of course, almost as soon as I started shouting. I came
round to feel his hands gripping my upper arms very tightly, saying "Come
on, Ray...come on, sunshine...come out of it...that's it...it's OK
now...all over..." 

Then he instinctively pulled me towards him in a fierce sort of bearhug,
sore as I was...kind of clumsy and capable both at the same time, and held
me against his chest very tightly, rocking me to and fro. 

His hand was stroking the back of my head, straightening my hair and he
felt so warm and solid and so good to hold onto, I didn't mind one bit,
and for a minute almost forgot everything that had happened. 

God, he smelt so good too. Nothing special...just of Bodie...just like he
always does...it's always been a good smell anyway... 

Parker had a horrible cheesy smell to him...not dirty or anything...just
not fresh...like mould I suppose...suited his personality and the way he
got his kicks... 

It felt good with Bodie anyway, so I stayed right where I was, listening
to his heart racing in my ear. Christ, but it was pounding away like
crazy... 

Everything I'd thought earlier on about holding him turned out to be right
too. In a crazy kind of way I even felt nothing could hurt me ever again
as long as Bodie was there... 

I was so caught up in holding him and being held by him I never stopped to
think that the bedcovers were down somewhere round my waist, that I had no
pyjamas on and he was bound to see the bloody awful state I was in as soon
as his eyes got used to the darkness and he took a proper look at me... 

He laid me back down on the pillows after a minute or two...me still not
thinking about it or remembering how I looked. Then his face
paled...visibly...his mouth sort of half dropped open and he took a funny,
hard kind of swallow. "Oh, Christ, Ray..." he said from deep in his
throat, his voice sounding all funny and shaky. "Oh, Christ, no..." 

And when he looked up at me his eyes were filled with tears, not that I
could see very well because mine were too by that time... 

I didn't feel capable of doing more than just lying there, looking at him.
Well, there wasn't much to be said really, was there? 

I heard him say "Don't be worried, Ray...no need to be embarrassed," still
in that strange, achy kind of voice, and still carried on lying there
without moving, while his eyes swept over me from my neck to my waist,
till the bedcovers stopped him looking any further... 

Not a pleasant sight for him, but all at once I wasn't so embarrassed
anymore. In a way it was a relief that he knew. I wouldn't have to lie or
keep up any kind of pretence with him anymore, something I've always hated
with Bodie anyway... 

He was inspecting me in the most meticulous detail, but I still didn't get
embarrassed. I felt...curiously passive all at once, as if somehow I
trusted him enough to pass it all over to him, and know he'd make it right
for both of us...you know, like it is when you're a kid and your parents
can somehow make every hurt better, just because they're your parents and
you know they know best. Well, that's how I felt with Bodie then. It was a
hell of a responsibility to load on him, but that's the great thing about
Bodie. I've never known him to evade a responsibility...whether it's
thrust on him by other people or not... 

He was very obviously not touching me, just looking... 

"I thought it had to be something like this..." he said after a minute.
"Parker, wasn't it?" sounding very angry. "Christ, if I could get my hands
on him..." 

"You'd have to wait till I'd finished with him," I said then, "and I don't
somehow think there'd be a lot left for you once I'd done with him." 

"Yeah, well you did a pretty good job on him as it is," he said, taking a
deep breath, "don't think I could have bettered that." 

His hand moved to the bedside lamp, resting on the switch. "OK to put this
on?" 

I nodded. Very sensitive is Bodie. Considerate of other people's feelings.
Nice of him to have thought having him see me in the light might be too
much for me. 

When he'd switched the light on I could see how pale his face was, very
hard and set too, like he was close to losing control and was hanging onto
it by a hairsbreadth. And his fists were clenched tight in his lap. 

"What did old Goulding give you for those?" he asked after a while,
pointing to my nipples. 

I told him about the cream. 

"Have you used any?" 

I shook my head. When it'd come right down to it I just couldn't be
bothered. Didn't even wanna touch myself there somehow. 

He looked down at me in an aggravated sort of way. "Where is it?" 

I didn't protest...told him it was in the medicine cabinet in the
bathroom, so he went through there and came back with the tube. 

"Can I do it for you?" he asked as he unscrewed the cap. He sounded very
matter of fact about it now, but his fingers were shaking so I knew he
wasn't. 

He scared me when he asked that. Crazy, insecure, neurotic fear, but he
did. He knew I was scared too. Like I said, he's sensitive, is
Bodie...under the cool exterior, though he'd rather die than admit it. 

So he handed the tube over to me and watched as I did it myself. Christ,
but it stung so much. The bastard had bitten me almost raw. 

Bodie's face was completely unreadable by the time I'd finished and put
the tube down on the bedside cabinet, but he looked straight at me and
said, "Have you spoken to anyone about this, Ray?" 

Yeah, well he *would* wanna know about that, wouldn't he? 

"You must be joking," I said, trying to sound as normal as I could, "No
way." 

"Well, I think you should," he went on, "for your own sake..." He was
gonna say something else, I knew, and I had half an idea what it was gonna
be too, so I cut in, said, "I can't." 

"Can't you even talk to me about it, then?" he asked, sounding
so...oh...so sort of sad about it, "you should you know. Don't bottle it
up inside. Make it worse in the long run." 

I could feel the panic rising in me at that...the urge to run...to run
anywhere...just so long as I could get away. God, the very idea of wanting
to run away from Bodie. 

"Bodie, I can't," I said, "he was just one of those bastards who gets his
kicks like that, OK? But I can't talk about it mate...sorry..." 

I noticed he didn't make any comment about that, but what he said next
completely floored me anyway. "Not even if I tell you I understand just
what you're going through because I've been through exactly the same thing
myself?" he said, remarkably calmly. 

Christ, that was quite an admission coming from Bodie. However and
whenever it'd happened I was stunned he was prepared to open up about
something so personal, even to me. Yeah well, you'd only appreciate the
magnitude of it if you knew Bodie personally like I do, and understood
what a fiercely private person he is. I mean he gives very little away
about himself. We're friends, so a bit more with me perhaps, but it just
isn't his way. I'd have sworn not another living soul knew what he'd just
admitted to me, except the bastard who did it to him of course. 

"Would it help?" he was asking, "I mean if I told you what happened to me
and how I felt about it? Or is it too much? Is it too soon to talk about
it?" 

I could see he was getting very uptight and angry again and it wasn't
doing me any good either. I was starting to worry more about him than I
was about myself to be honest. And I was suddenly glad Parker was safely
tucked away in a security hospital somewhere, because I could see there
was no way my urge for revenge came anywhere near to Bodie's. God, he was
trying so hard to stay in control that night, and finding it so difficult.


It occurred to me then that *he* might need the relief of telling me about
his own experience though, so I told him, no, it wasn't too much, and it'd
help a lot... 

"OK," he said. He'd taken hold of my hand and was gripping it hard. It
helped both of us I think. 

"First of all though," he said...then stopped and looked at me, eyes
boring into me, as if he was trying to see into my very soul, "not
frightened of me, are you Ray?" 

"Christ, no," I said, hardly understanding what he meant. 

"Good. Just let me lift this for a second then," he said shakily. His hand
was already on the bedcovers... 

And the panic was back. He must have seen because he said, "S'OK...this is
me, remember?" then lifted the covers quickly and looked down at me, then
turned me gently onto my side, and had a quick look at the back of me
too... 

God, knowing he was seeing me when I looked like that...knowing... He'd be
able to tell so clearly everything that'd been done to me...can't begin to
explain how I felt... 

He let the covers back down again after only a second though, and crazily
enough, there was a look of...almost relief on his face. He looked down at
me again. "Christ, he hurt you, didn't he?" he said. His eyes had filled
with tears again, and I was helpless...not knowing what I could do to help
him. 

"Yeah," I said cynically, "I think it's what's termed "sexual assault." 

"He didn't...fuck you then?" Bodie asked very quietly. 

I shook my head. "No, not that. Didn't even try..." 

It dawned on me then that Bodie had wanted to check on that because, oh,
God, because when it had happened to him it had been... 

He answered that question himself a couple of seconds later when he said,
"That's good. Mine was you see, and it's much worse when it's that way.
Getting over it I mean...you'll be fine, honest you will, Ray. I know how
you feel inside, but just give yourself time and you'll be fine..." 

I hardly knew what I was doing at that point. I only knew I wanted to hold
him and never let him go, and take away every small or large hurt he'd
ever suffered in the whole of his life. Christ, I knew there had to be so
many hurts...some perhaps even worse than this one...and I wanted to
obliterate them all, re- write the past and make it so none of them had
ever happened to him. Bodie's the wrong sort to have all that loaded onto
him. He's the very last person who can stand to be badly hurt...it runs so
deep with him you see...things leave more of a mark than they do with most
people...even though he never shows it. 

What had happened to me suddenly seemed of no importance at all compared
to what Bodie had gone through. 

I was holding him very hard, not caring about the pain anymore, pressing
up tight against him, trying to get as close as I could, but he was still
thinking only of me, trying to soothe me, like you would a child, assuming
I was still hurting for myself...and that made me hold him even tighter. 

"Tell me about it," I said, "Should have told me long ago, anyway. Why
didn't you?" 

"None of your fuckin' business," he said from my shoulder, trying to
joke... 

Yeah, well it was a nice try...at least it made us both smile... 

"How long ago?" I asked. I was stroking his hair, feeling so emotional
about him I wished I could drown in him, "not recently?" 

"Christ, no," he said, sitting up, but still keeping hold of my hand,
"years ago. I was 18...it was soon after I joined the Navy." 

I must have looked a bit incredulous at that because he said, "Yeah, it
does happen you know, even in the services, though they're very good at
keeping it quiet." 

Eighteen...God, eighteen years of age...what must it have done to him when
he was so young? Having it happen at my age was nothing compared to that.
I tried to imagine how he might have looked when he was
eighteen...realised how probable a fate it must have been for him in a
predominantly all male society, when he looked the way he did. Yeah, how
the hell could they have resisted him? 

"Good job it happened in a way," he was saying, staring into space,
"everything has its good points, however bad it seems. Good preparation
for being a mercenary. A lot of it goes on in that little clique...and I
was an old hand by that time...could look after myself..." 

I'd suspected as much from hints he'd let drop in the past, though he'd
never talked about it directly. 

"So...now you know I've swung both ways a lot of the time," he said,
trying to be matter of fact about it, "even grew to like it after a while
too. That shock you?" 

I smiled at him. "No...suspected it anyway." Which I had. 

"Christ, it doesn't show that much, does it?" Bodie said, so mortified, so
intense about it, I had to laugh, even in that situation. Somehow or other
you see he always manages to dissipate the tension...makes you see the
funny or ludicrous side of things, however bad they seem. So good at that,
is Bodie... 

"Don't tell me you still swing both ways now?" I challenged, curious to
know. 

"You must be joking," he said disparagingly, still putting a brave face on
things, because I knew how hard it had to be for him to be admitting all
of this to me, "it's a young man's game....you have to give up on it after
a while, unless you wanna be pitied. Young, fresh game...that's what it's
all about. Not that I don't still get the occasional twinge," he added
honestly, "that's one of the things I wanna try to get through to you,
sunshine...it can be good...doesn't have to be the way it was with that
Parker bastard." 

Mention of Parker's name drew me up short again. I still didn't feel
capable of talking about him...even after what Bodie had told me. From my
reaction I knew Bodie realised it too... 

"Who was he?" I asked, deliberately moving the thread of the conversation
back to Bodie. 

"Oh, just a guy," he said, more sadly than anything else, "a desperately
unhappy, mixed up sod...older than me...a lot older..." He paused. "He got
me one night when we were both off duty...got a couple of his cronies to
help him out cos he'd never have been able to hold me down on his
own...and that was it...he fucked me very long and very hard...and against
my will... But I got over it..." he said, looking at me again. "And that's
what you'll do too." 

At that precise moment I wasn't too sure about that, but I wasn't gonna
admit to it. It would have upset him too much. 

"Did you feel like I do?" I asked, "I mean, it's crazy...all the wrong way
round...I feel..." 

"Disgusted with yourself...dirty...used?" Bodie cut in. "Oh yeah, all of
that, Ray. That's natural. That's how you should expect to feel, crazy as
it sounds. But what you've got to keep telling yourself is that it's the
other guy who's all those things, not you. And in time you'll start to
believe it..." 

I wasn't too sure about that either... 

I didn't think I had it in me to mention the other thing that was scaring
me so much. It was too tied in somehow with how I'd felt about Bodie
earlier on, when I'd studied him so hard in the living room, and how good
I was finding it to hold onto him... 

But he must have seen there was something else...perhaps he'd even guessed
what it was... I dunno... 

"What?" he asked very gently, "come on, Ray...you can tell me, sunshine.
Surely you can after the way we've been talking to each other...come
on..." 

He was looking at me so trustingly, so openly, but it was still so hard.
It was like losing a part of myself...my own image of myself to have to
admit to it. 

Bodie was stroking my hair reassuringly, the soft, lingering caresses
going right down to the nape of my neck and brushing my hair there,
sending unfamiliar tingles of pleasure down my spine. And trusting Bodie
like I did, well, I've trusted him with my life, haven't I, and he's never
let me down yet...it suddenly occurred to me that being used to swinging
both ways he might even have fancied *me* sometimes...and wanted to do the
same things with me as Parker had... 

Oh Christ...I mean rationally I knew beyond any doubt that even if he did,
it'd bear no resemblance to Parker at all...that with Bodie it'd be sweet
and good and oh so caring...just the way he was holding me told me
that...but even so, just the thought of it was enough to make me seize up
and panic again...like some scared neurotic virgin for God's sake... 

Worst of all was that when I looked up at him I knew he'd read my mind. He
knew what I was thinking...and it hurt him so much... 

It was knowing I'd hurt him that made me say it...that's what made me want
to trust him with the details...with the anxiety the whole thing had
started inside me...cos I kept thinking if I could tell him what scared me
most about it, it might make amends for hurting him... 

"He made me want it..." I managed to say... "and that's the part I can't
cope with...he made me want it." 

I knew I'd started to cry...I could feel the tears hot and wet on my
cheeks, but he didn't seem to perturbed by it...not by the fact I was
crying at least. He almost looked relieved again. Perhaps he felt I'd been
needing to cry and had held it in too long... 

He held me anyway, very gently, and let me cry myself out like a child,
and then just let me carry on resting against him a few more minutes,
before he said, "Christ, Ray...d'you think you're unique? Made of stone or
something? What the hell do you expect your body to do in that situation?"


Yeah, well, he was right of course. And a part of me had even known it all
along, but there was still this perverse feeling inside me that somehow I
shouldn't have allowed myself to respond to Parker's brutality...that I
shouldn't have been capable of responding... 

No need to tell Bodie. He understood that too of course. He understands
everything. 

"That bastard Thompson did the same thing to me, that first time," he
admitted softly, "I didn't come...he hurt me too much...but he did get me
turned on. However much you're hating it, Ray, it's still an incredible
turn on. And I hated myself too, for a long time afterwards..." 

Yeah, but you were only eighteen, I wanted to say. I'm a grown man, for
God's sake, I should be able to handle it better... 

I couldn't believe he was telling me so much either, leaving himself so
open and vulnerable in my hands, entrusting himself to me so completely...


He cradled me against him for a while longer and then he laid me back down
on the bed, tucking the covers around me. Then he leaned forward and
kissed me very lightly on the forehead. "OK, that's enough for tonight,"
he said, "better?" 

I nodded...felt too exhausted to talk about it anymore. 

"Need to talk about anything else?" he asked, so gently he brought a lump
to my throat. He looked so concerned...so worried. 

I lifted my hand and stroked the short hair that lay just on his forehead,
but he caught my hand in his and stopped its caress, then turned it over
and kissed the centre of my palm, a warm, moist, sensual tickle of his
lips. 

That was when I knew he wanted me. It was such an unmistakable lover's
gesture...quite unconscious on his part I'm sure, I mean I knew he wasn't
trying anything on, but it gave him away as surely as if he'd told me in
so many words. 

I realised then that he must have wanted me in the past too, possibly for
a while, though how can you ever tell with Bodie, when he hides himself so
very well? But it dawned on me I must have hurt him a lot in one way or
another since we'd known each other, and like I've said before, he's the
kind of person who should be hurt as little as possible. 

I think confusion was my main emotion...and fear. I was sure of only one
thing, and that was that Bodie didn't have it in him to ever consciously
hurt me. I knew I was safe with him... 

He means more to me than anyone I've ever known, does Bodie, and I include
Ann in that too, but for an instant the thought of carrying on working
with him as a team, safe as I knew I was with him, scared me to death, all
because I'd suddenly realized that he fancied me... 

Which meant I was a two-faced hypocrite too, because barely a few hours
earlier, I'd been sitting looking at him, thinking how much I fancied him
too, if only I had the guts to admit it to myself... 

Christ, I'm such a coward when it comes to my emotions, though I know I
don't seem to be on the surface...always jumping headlong into everything,
and usually making every involvement so shallow and meaningless for that
very reason. And Bodie's so sure and true and strong...and so loyal once
he gives himself to others...for all he seems to be opposite... 

I was laying there, thinking all of those things, and I knew I had to make
a gesture of some kind. He deserves so much...everything I could give him
and more. 

"Want another pill?" he asked, still holding my hand to his cheek. 

The pain wasn't bad, but I decided it might not be such a bad idea to try
another of Goulding's tranquilisers to make me sleep, so he shook one out
for me, watching as I swallowed it. 

"Good...you'll be fine now," he said softly, "and I'll be in the other
room if you need me...and I'll be here in the morning too. Cowley's given
me a couple of days off." 

"On the sofa?" I asked. 

"Where else?" he said, smiling that cheeky smile of his. 

I shook my head, making the gesture, not finding it so hard after all.
"No, in here with me," I said, "nice and warm and safe beside me." 

Oh Christ, he flushed when I said that. Cool, hard, soft as butter Bodie.
Like a kid on a first date. He was so dear to me... 

"Not a good idea, sunshine," he said, "only keep you awake." 

"Never have before," I pointed out. 

"Think I might tonight though," he said, looking so unsure of himself it
was hard to believe I'd thought him arrogant in the early days...all a
show...you have to dig down so deep to find the real Bodie, but, Christ,
when you do, it's worth the effort... 

There was no fear in me at all, because I could see how scared he was, so
I just threw the covers back and hoisted myself up into a sitting position
and started loosening his clothes showing him I meant business. 

He was shy about that too, but he didn't resist me...not after a while
anyway. He knew I wasn't about to give up. 

He started to get undressed eventually anyway, still watching me all the
time, doing it slowly, and he was still shy...making a point of keeping
his briefs on. 

"Not uptight about this, are you?" he said when he'd finished, standing
looking down at me, not making a move towards the bed. Christ, he looked
so bloody beautiful standing there...I'd never realised just how beautiful
he was...his body so strong and powerful...skin so pale and smooth...like
alabaster... 

I held out my hand to him, trying to reassure him and he came towards me
then and got into bed. But it was crazy. He wasn't touching me - just
keeping hold of my hand under the covers, but lying a good foot away from
me...very much on his side of the bed. 

I knew then that whatever he wanted and however much he wanted it he'd
never make a move...he'd wait for me to guide him, making absolutely sure
he never demanded too much. 

So I did what I wanted to do and moved closer to him, resting my head on
his smooth chest, twining one leg between his, feeling the soft down on
his thighs, rubbing against mine...it felt so good... 

His arms went round me then, gently, undemandingly, only holding me close,
but I felt the tremor in them and didn't know what the hell to do about
it...almost felt like suggesting we sleep apart after all, though I
couldn't bear to lose him... 

I was feeling so wonderful...all I needed to be sure about was that he
felt the same way about this weird kind of bedsharing. 

I heard him sigh then, felt his lips brush the top of my head and I
snuggled closer. I think the hair on my chest must have tickled him when I
did that, because I heard him gasp and his stomach muscles rippled
underneath me. 

I lay very still, not moving at all, a bit tense I suppose, but I was
loving it so much...just the feel of him against me...if only it was OK
for him too. 

"You all right?" he asked after a couple of minutes, "this OK for you?"
sounding so unsure... 

I snuggled my face in his neck, told him it was wonderful...asked him if
it was OK for him, told him he had to let me know if it wasn't... 

He said he'd never felt so good...that he had absolutely everything he
wanted, and that I wasn't to worry about it, which choked me up a bit, and
made me hug him even harder... 

I felt the hard/soft heat between his legs then, pulsing away gently
against my hip. He was semi-erect and it worried me for a
minute...pleasant as it was...until I heard him say, "Sorry, sunshine, but
it's your own fault for being so bloody gorgeous. Don't take any notice
and it might go away." 

I had to laugh. See what I mean? He makes everything funny, even the fact
that I was lying there beside him so soft and slack and unaroused... 

He understood you see, and he didn't mind...all he cared about was his
erection bothering me. I suppose in case I thought he was gonna pounce on
me or something. 

I made a joke of it then...told him he had a lovely bedside manner, asked
if he'd slept with any other nervous, terrified virgins lately. Made him
laugh that...he seemed to like it...kissed the top of my head again anyway
before we settled down to sleep... 

He held me so close that night. I've never felt so wanted. 

******

Course we've changed a lot since then. Now we're even a bit wild with each
other at times. 

And it didn't take long. Only a matter of weeks really. Well, how could
anyone resist Bodie longer than that? He was so patient with me...never
pushing it, just always there when I needed him. And I did wanna sleep
with him again anyway...we did it a few times after that before I went
away for re-training, once Goulding had passed me reasonably fit... 

And it was the training course that cleared my mind, and made everything
make sense. Made me finally realise how much I wanted him... 

I enjoyed the course for a start, even though it was down on the South
coast and I was away from Bodie. And I know it did me good, physically at
least. Gave me back a lot of confidence to know I could still do the job. 

Macklin was down there of course, detailed to give me a good going over.
Just me and him most of the time...my own personal course. When I'd first
found out it was him who was gonna be there my heart sank though, but
amazingly, he was OK with me. Didn't push me hard at all. Did it in nice,
easy stages, building up slowly. 

And once I'd got over the shock of him being halfway decent, I even
started to enjoy it. Yeah, he turned out to be a good mate, did Macklin.
We did a bit of socialising in the evenings too. Nothing special...just
the occasional drink at the local. 

Course, I was missing Bodie like crazy anyway, more with each day that
passed, and Macklin helped to take my mind off it a bit. I phoned Bodie
every day...but what can you say on the phone? It's too impersonal for a
start. I couldn't see his face, and I needed to see it so much... 

And crazy as it sounds Macklin was instrumental in making me accept how
much I wanted Bodie. Helped me to get over the fear of it enough to make
sure I did something about it when I got back, because I knew Bodie never
would. 

Macklin and I got into the habit of going down to the local village pub a
couple of nights a week and chatting up the barmaid now and again. Nothing
too taxing - just the occasional bit of fun. 

The best looking barmaid was called Maureen...nice girl...a bit on the
hefty side, but she had nice long dark hair and lovely blue eyes. Friendly
too...not too complicated, and good fun to be with. 

And I knew she fancied me...well you can always tell, can't you...but I
really don't know why she even bothered with me in the first place. I
really don't, the way I dithered around with her the first few nights was
enough to put any girl off. 

I couldn't make up my mind what to do, you see, and I was so scared of
trying to get it together with someone again. I knew it was probably what
I needed, and that it'd do me good to at least try and get it over with,
but to be honest, since Parker, I hadn't really felt the urge, for
anything...which isn't like me. I wouldn't say I'm highly sexed or
anything, but I normally have a healthy enough appetite for it...so I was
feeling a bit insecure about the whole thing. 

Of course Macklin didn't know what had happened with Parker, so he made
things worse...kept encouraging me, you know, telling me she was fairly
begging for it, asking me what the hell was wrong with me...so I started
to feel a bit pressured. 

Kept thinking about Bodie too. It seemed a bit disloyal somehow, even
though nothing had happened between us... 

Anyway, it got to such a pitch I knew I had to do *something* about
Maureen, so I chatted her up properly one night, and then went back with
her to her flat. 

And it was OK...well, partly OK. I mean, after all the doubts and fears, I
found it was still good to touch a woman again and have all that rounded
softness under my hands. I only thought about Parker once or twice
too...that didn't turn out to be a major problem either. And she wasn't
too over enthusiastic either, which was good. Think I might have panicked
if she hadn't let me take the lead. 

I remember we ended up sprawled on her sofa, fortified by a bottle of
Reisling she'd dug out of the fridge and...yeah, well it was pleasant
enough, and not too demanding... 

And she was pretty enough too, even had the same colouring as Bodie now I
come to think of it...maybe that's subconsciously why I chose her. Who
knows? But she wasn't what I wanted. I found out very quickly what it was
I *did* want... 

God, I had such a sweet, aching, yearning need to be with Bodie instead
you see...I didn't even know if it was sex I wanted with him, still being
a bit confused about it all at that point...I just wanted him... 

I remember I tried to shrug the thoughts away. I cupped her face in my
hands and kissed her, trailed my fingers through her hair, but it didn't
work. All the time I was thinking what it'd be like to have Bodie's hard
body under mine on that sofa, because even though I'd slept with him, it
had been so innocent...I'd never seen him really aroused, and I was
becoming fascinated by the thought of what it'd be like to see Bodie
aroused...what it'd be like to feel his hardness against my own... 

That was the worst part of the whole thing, because I was so turned on by
that time I hardly knew what to do with myself. Hated myself too, because
I knew it had nothing whatsoever to do with Maureen. 

And I just couldn't stop myself. Kept thinking what it'd be like to kiss
Bodie's soft, wide, pouting mouth, rather than her small, rosebud one...to
run my fingers through his short, dark, waving hair, to feel his hands
running through *my* hair like hers were doing...to feel the
stubble-roughened beauty of his cheek against mine...rather than the hot
softness of her skin... 

Christ, just imagining Bodie like that...even daring to think of
it...Bodie making love to me... 

I swelled and hardened so much, it was embarrassing... 

And she only made it worse. Well she thought it was all for her, didn't
she? She whispered the usual kind of things women say in that sort of
situation in my ear anyway...and raised her hips to me, rubbing at that
terrible, hard, frustrating ache... 

I must have been in a state of shock. I know I couldn't believe what I was
thinking. And I know it was wrong...but what could I do except give her
another kiss, trying to concentrate only on her this time, and then help
her up from the sofa and take her through to the bedroom? 

And it was OK...really it was. I think she even enjoyed it...I hope I made
it good for her anyway. I think I did all the right things at the right
times. Hope I did... 

Think I must have hurt her though, not asking to see her again. But what
else could I do? I started avoiding going down to the pub after that
anyway...there was no point. I couldn't wait to get home to Bodie. 

My mind was so full of him, and I was missing him so much by that time I
even started doing a few sketches of him from memory in my spare time.
Made me feel better. If I couldn't have him close, at least I could have
his likeness. 

God, I was so nervous the day I came home, I think I must have talked him
to death, at least in the car on the way to his flat. Not that he
complained - well, he never does, does he? 

It was just that...well, when I saw him waiting for me at the station,
looking so nervous and anxious and so happy all at the same time, Christ,
he looked so gloriously beautiful standing there...so very precious to me.


And the trouble he'd gone to as well... 

When we got to his flat, he'd literally done enough shopping to last me a
month. He'd remembered all the things I like to eat too. Bought all good
stuff...none of the rubbish he normally feeds himself. That reminds
me...must start trying to wean him off all this horrible junk food he eats
- not doing him any good at all. 

So what could I do after that, except set to and try and make him the best
meal he'd ever eaten? I think he enjoyed it...well, he had two helpings
anyway. 

After seeing all the effort he'd made, and knowing how glad he was to see
me, well, it was almost easy after that...the most natural thing in the
world to tell him about Maureen, and how I'd felt about her and how much
I'd wanted him instead. 

And when we finally ended up in bed together...God, it was so wonderful. I
felt, as if I'd been dead inside since the Parker business and he'd
suddenly brought me back to life again... 

He made me feel so complete... 

Hope I've repaid him in kind now for every hour of every day I made him
wait. Think maybe I have...I love him so much I don't see how I can have
failed him. 

******

Waking up with Ray beside me that first morning after the Parker business,
was like... Oh, Christ, I dunno...Christmas and the best birthday you've
ever had rolled into one... 

I couldn't remember ever feeling so happy... 

There he was, lying there, with his head on my shoulder, and his hair
tickling my chin, one arm round my waist, and I couldn't believe he
trusted me that much for a start, considering what he'd been through the
previous day. 

Christ, that bastard Parker...I've never been able to stand the thought of
anyone hurting Ray...paranoid about it...and I know I'm probably too
overprotective by far as a result, and have been for a while now...I mean,
I *know* he can take care of himself just as well as I can, perhaps even
better, but when I'd seen him coming out of that house the day
before...just seeing that little urchin face of his so battered and
bruised turned me inside out...not that I'd ever show it in public. I know
better than to do that...I can imagine what he'd do to me if I did. 

I'd thought there was something not quite right about him almost as soon
as they'd carted Madame Ojuka and her friends away to be honest, but I
hadn't been sure then. It wasn't just that he looked in pain or was a bit
battered and bruised round the face...there was more to it than that. I
could tell from the scared, lost look in his eyes that he was hurt
emotionally too, and it scared the hell out of me, because it takes a lot
to get Ray looking that scared. 

I'd seen the state of Parker too when they'd sent him off in the
ambulance, and that had been enough to let me know something was seriously
wrong... Parker was in a mess. I knew he'd beaten Ray up, and there's no
one more vicious than Ray when he's roused, but this looked like a case of
going to extremes. The man was half dead. It worried me more than a bit,
but of course that was before I knew what had happened... 

At that point I was just so glad to see Ray all in one piece I was still
feeling pretty happy about things in general and didn't really think about
it... 

I was still feeling a bit narked about Cowley to be honest. Just before
Ray came over Cowley'd bawled me out for disobeying the order not to go
in...but what the hell did he expect me to do...let them kill Ray? I had
to go in when I did...knew I did...knew Ray needed my help... Don't ask me
how I knew...I'm not superstitious or anything...I just did... 

And by the look of him it seemed it hadn't been too soon either. 

Anyway I was cheesed off with Cowley. I hate it when he finds fault with
me. I try so hard for him, and, to be honest, it gets to me a bit when he
doesn't approve... So I was glad when Cowley went off with Ojuka, doing
his diplomat bit, which he loves, and left us in peace. 

And all I was thinking about was having a nice, leisurely drive back to
London, getting Ray checked out with the doctor, and then maybe a quiet
dinner, you know, just the two of us...nice and friendly, a few beers and
an early night. Well, it'd been a busy day and the reports had to be
written first thing the next morning... 

We were about halfway back to town before it dawned on me that there
really *was* something seriously amiss with Ray. He's very good at hiding
it, but even he can't keep it up for ever. I knew he was in pain for a
start, but there wasn't much I could do about that till I got him to a
doctor, but it was when Cowley radioed us on that very subject that I
really started to get worried. All he said was that he'd arranged for
Goulding to be around when we got back for a quick examination to make
sure Ray was all right, so Ray could avoid hanging around at an ordinary
hospital. Which was pretty decent of him when you think about it. I mean,
he didn't have to do it...didn't need to make special arrangements like
that. I reckoned he'd been pretty considerate, saving Ray all that time
and effort, cos he'd need to be checked out medically whatever happened...


But, Christ, you should have seen Ray's face...it went paler than it
already was, if that was possible, and he jumped like a startled rabbit,
and started to look so uptight. 

He'd looked sort of preoccupied since we left the house, but that was
nothing to how he looked after Cowley had radioed in. 

He was starting to shake a bit too...shock...well, it catches up with all
of us in the end no matter how tough you think you are. 

Christ, I wanted to hold him so much. Not for the first time either. Yeah,
well, OK, I'd had a thing about Ray for quite a while...don't think he
ever knew about it though, not till that night anyway...and then I
couldn't hide it anymore...didn't want to either... 

There was such an air of detachment about him on that drive back to
London...I couldn't read him at all. And I didn't know what to do. It was
like he had a 'keep off' notice hanging round his neck. 

Well, he does get like that sometimes, and that's when I normally know to
leave well alone, but Christ, this time, I knew he needed me...he'd been
beaten up pretty badly apart from anything else...and I guessed he could
do with a bit of comfort, but whenever I tried to talk to him about what
had happened, I got nothing but monosyllables in reply... 

He was pretty ratty too, specially when he went in to see Goulding. On
reflection I can see he must have been scared to death, cos,
understandably, he hadn't wanted anyone to know what had happened to
him...even Goulding. But he took it out on me, and if he hadn't looked so
pathetic standing there with that livid red bruise on his cheekbone I
think I would have hit him. He deserved it. He was in one of his selfish
moods...and he was being irritable and conceited as well... 

I was so close to losing my temper with him I knew I had to get away.
Walked off and left him, when my natural instinct was to wait till he'd
been checked out and then take him home. Course, what I didn't realize at
the time was that he was terrified of me finding out too, if I stayed.
Christ, as if I would have minded...then or at any time... Classic
symptoms though...you're so ashamed, you can't bear the thought of anyone
knowing. 

I didn't even say I'd call round at his flat later on to see him...which
was unforgivable...just said I'd ring him... God, how could I have left
him like that... 

As it was I changed my mind almost as soon as I got outside and cooled
down a bit, and I went straight round to his flat to wait for him after
all...but I behaved badly that afternoon. 

I might have carried on behaving badly too if he hadn't allowed me to know
what happened that night... Thank God, he finally trusted me...and let it
all out. I'm still not sure what it might have done to him if he
hadn't...if he'd kept it all bottled up inside himself... Suppose I've got
the nightmare to thank for the fact that he didn't... 

I'd never have got close to him otherwise, because he was so off with me
when he got back to the flat. Still so detached and apart from
me...backing off like crazy. I'd never have dared to force myself on him,
because he made it so obvious he didn't even want me near him...didn't
even want me to help him get undressed for bed... 

It was that, plus his fear of being examined by the doctor that really set
me wondering in the first place... 

As for the nightmare, when I heard him shouting his head off, well I just
reacted instinctively. I mean I heard him cry out and raced through to the
bedroom without a second thought... 

And, oh God, when I saw him...when I saw what the bastard had done to
him...I thought I was gonna be sick... 

I mean the thought of that happening to Ray...my Ray...and me not being
there to stop it... 

Worst of it all is that I *was* there...crouching outside like a bloody
coward, following Cowley's orders. I didn't move in nearly soon enough,
and if I had I might have been able to prevent most of it. Should have
gone in at the beginning, when my instinct told me to...but I
didn't...don't think I can ever forgive myself for that... 

For a second I thought there was no way I could keep control...that I'd
just go completely berserk...felt like finding out where they had Parker,
and tearing him limb from limb...after I'd done the same to him as he'd
done to Ray that is...and taken the greatest pleasure in doing it. 

Yeah, well, I could do that you know. I'm capable of it. I've got it in me
to be that brutal. Look what I did to Krivas for a start...similar
situation in a way...only this time the feelings were even stronger... 

And thank Christ, I got Ray to talk about it. Turned out I had to tell him
what had happened to me all those years ago to get it out of him, but it
worked. 

Never told anyone about that, and yet it was so easy to tell him
somehow...well, he needed me to tell him, didn't he? He's the first and
the last though... 

I got over that little episode years ago anyway...and it didn't really
worry me telling Ray about it...it's just that it leaves you so vulnerable
and defenseless when you've revealed something like that about yourself...


It did the trick though. Took his mind off Parker for a while anyway.
Christ, I think he even started to worry more about me than he was about
himself...which wasn't what I'd intended, but once I'd started the ball
rolling and told him about Thompson, things really weren't that difficult
at all. 

I'd made a pretty shrewd guess that if he felt anything like I had, one of
the things that had to be worrying him most was that he'd been turned on
by whatever it was Parker'd done to him. 

I was right too...at least I was able to put him right on that score...for
all his experience and the things he's been forced to see and deal with
because of the job Ray can still be amazingly naive in some ways.
Unbelievably naive for a man of his age. He actually hated himself because
he thought he had no right to respond when Parker touched him in the right
way. 

I think part of the trouble is his sex life's always been basically
straightforward. Not that he hasn't had his moments. I know that for a
fact cos we haven't just talked about it and swopped experiences...I've
actually been there and been a part of them the few times we've made up
foursomes with girls. Real little raver he is too. Goes on for ever, does
Ray. Could wear me out just to look at him. No problems there at all. 

But I'm almost sure there've never been any men, which must have made the
Parker business even harder to take. Oh sure, he must have been
propositioned in his time...he's too gorgeous not to have been...and maybe
there's even been a quick grope or two before he's put the groper in his
place, but I'm sure he's never wanted a man...never slept with one.
These're things you just know...you don't need to be told. I've always
sensed it... 

Well, why the hell do you think I've forced myself to keep my distance
from him all these years? Not that it hasn't been difficult. God, there've
been times when I've wanted him so much...not just for the sex
either...just, oh God...just to hold him and be close to him... 

But I've always assumed that if he ever guessed how much I wanted him
that'd be the end as far as working together was concerned...and I've
never been prepared to risk that...sex isn't the most important thing
anyway...just gotta keep him with me...can't lose him now...not now...it'd
kill me... 

But, like I say, that night of the Parker business it all came out and I
knew everything I said or did was only making it more obvious how I felt
about him. Christ, what a risk I took... 

I was scared to death...I knew that in the emotional state he was in the
very idea I fancied him too, would probably put him off for life...maybe
even make him not want anymore to do with me...but how could I not comfort
him? 

I know how twisted up inside these experiences can make you. Christ, I was
a big enough mess for a long enough time after Thompson... And when I
started holding Ray that night, it seemed I just couldn't stop. Been
waiting so very long for it you see... 

I knew the important thing was reassurance and making him feel safe with
me though, and it's amazing how your own wants and needs get pushed to one
side when you're so wrapped up in someone else's, and I was so busy trying
to make things better for him I found I coped with no trouble at all... 

The amazing thing was that he'd already guessed I was used to swinging
both ways. Yeah, well, I sometimes forget just how astute Ray is. But the
most incredible thing of all was that he didn't seem to mind. He just
accepted it...couldn't get over that...it helped too...gave me more
confidence... 

And having him finally trust me, trusting me enough to let me share the
bed with him, after what he'd been through...God, I've never known a
feeling as good as that...there hasn't been anything, not even when we
made love the first time, nothing's ever meant so much to me as that
simple gesture of trust, when he started undressing me to let me know he
wanted me to sleep next to him. 

That was when I got scared of course...of so many things. Of getting too
turned on by him and scaring him...of being defenseless in front of him
with everything showing...scared of hurting him too...Christ, of him
finding it too much to take and rejecting me...oh so many things. 

Crazy, but I was embarrassed with him too. It was so hard to get undressed
in front of him. I was so scared he'd find me repulsive or something in
the physical sense. Well, he's not into men, is he? And he's so bloody
beautiful himself... 

When I first got in beside him I just couldn't bring myself to touch
him...it was like a dream...I'd been wanting him for so long I was afraid
that as soon as I touched him I'd wake up and it'd all be over... So I
just lay there and waited to see if he wanted to touch me...not making any
moves... 

It seemed he did too. He came and rested that soft woolly head of his on
my chest, wormed one leg between both of mine...God, the thrill of that. I
could hardly get my breath...his legs are hairier than mine and I could
feel it tickling all the way down my thigh...Christ, just to think of
it...his legs are so slim as well, so lean and muscular...felt
wonderful... 

I think I started to shake at that point...I kissed that soft hair of his
and that made him move closer, and his chest was pressed right up against
mine, tickling me. God, I nearly cried out...there was so much pleasure,
and I was panicking too, because I could feel myself swelling. I kept
willing it away but it wouldn't go...kept growing...oh, I was aching for
him so much... 

I asked him if he was all right then...just checking, you know...I was
terrified to be honest, because I knew he had to have felt the hard on... 

He told me it was wonderful, and his voice was so shaky and gentle...I
could have cried. In fact I think I *must* have been crying a bit cos I
went all soppy on him, said it was wonderful for me too, that I'd never
felt so good. 

Knowing he didn't mind made me feel better somehow and I made a joke about
it. Said something about if he didn't take any notice it might go away. He
seemed to like that. Well, he gave one of those throaty chuckles of his
anyway...made a joke himself about the way he was acting like a terrified
virgin... 

It was incredible to feel so close to him. I think I knew then that he was
gonna be OK, whether or not anything happened between us...that wasn't
important anyway. The only thing that mattered was that he should get back
to normal again... 

He was fine anyway for the rest of the night - no more dreams, thank God.
Slept curled up against me like a baby. 

I was fine too, which amazed me a bit. I mean I have to admit I did wake
up, just the once, feeling a bit hot and itchy and turned on..unpleasant
really...but just one look at him, and seeing how trustingly he was lying
against me, and it soon passed off, and I dropped off again. 

I remember before I nodded off that second time thinking how embarrassing
it might be when we woke up in bed together in the morning, and wondering
what the hell we'd do and say to each other...you know, how we'd cope with
it, but as it turned out, that side of it was fine too. 

He woke up first and woke me up when he shifted position...think he was
actually moving closer to me, which was reassuring. 

It was all warm and cosy in the bed and I remember I just lay there for a
minute on my back, drinking it all in, savouring it, rubbing my hand back
and forth over the smooth skin of his shoulder... 

I was starting to get a bit uptight too though, till I heard him say "I
feel great, Bodie...can we do this again sometime?" 

That left me a bit speechless so I decided to keep quiet, but he propped
himself up on an elbow then, leaning over me, looking down at me. "Say
yes," he said. 

He looked so much better that morning...even the bruise on his face had
died down a bit. Best of all was he didn't have that scared, lost look in
his eyes anymore. It was completely gone. His eyes were all soft and
trusting. 

"Yes," I said, "anytime you want..." 

He smiled at me when I said that, said, "You make a great pillow...you
know that?" 

Yeah, well, he's not the first to have told me that - suppose that's one
advantage of not being thin, but it meant a hell of a lot more coming from
him than it ever did before. 

I touched my finger to the bruise on that crazily unique cheekbone of
his...I'd wanted to do that for a while...touch that funny little
malformed cheek of his...and that morning I was thinking how I'd like to
kiss it too... 

"If it was on the other side you'd have a matched pair," I said. 

"Yeah, I would, wouldn't I?" he said, still smiling, looking so relaxed. 

"Yeah, you never know...might be an improvement," I said. You know teasing
him a bit. 

"Could be," he said, not taking offence. 

I asked him how he was feeling and he said a lot better - just a bit sad
and sort of jittery inside, but not bad, all things considered. I knew
just what he meant. Got to me like that too. 

"How come Cowley's gone all soft on you and given you a couple of days
off?" he asked, still leaning over me, his face very close to mine. He
wasn't touching me you understand, for which I was grateful, because it
would have been too much...just lying close...but it was enough. All I
needed. I was loving it. 

"Cos I'm irresistible, of course," I said, joking. Well, what did he
expect me to say for God's sake. 

"Suppose he told you to take a bit of time to look after me when Goulding
said I was in a bad way," he said suspiciously, "that's it, isn't it?" 

Ray's quite cocky enough most of the time, with no assistance from anyone
else, so I tried not to give too much away, certainly not the fact that
Cowley had been so worried about him when I'd phoned him up the previous
afternoon. You see, before Ray had come back from seeing Goulding, Cowley
had admitted how concerned he was about him. Not that Ray would've
believed me if I'd told him anyway. Thinks Cowley can't stand him. Quite
wrongly, as it turns out... 

"Maybe...maybe not," I said, playing him along, "anyway Cowley's not such
a bad old sod...suppose we should be grateful to him." 

Well, it was all right to say that, because Ray knows I like Cowley. It's
no secret. 

******

Ray'd snuggled down a bit by this time, resting that soft, furry head of
his on my shoulder, and flung an arm over me, round my waist. It was great
that he felt so much at home with me to be able to do that...but his hair
tickled like crazy and to be honest, it was all getting to be a bit too
much for me, what with his arm round me an' all, so I muttered something
about needing to take a leak, and got out of bed...not before time
either...I could feel the sweet ache starting down in the pit of my
stomach. 

When I came out of the bathroom, feeling a bit embarrassed about wandering
around in only my briefs, I rummaged in the wardrobe and pinched one of
his dressing gowns. 

Crazy, you know...really out of character for Ray, but, for all he's such
a scruffy dresser, he had about half a dozen of these gorgeous dressing
gowns some loose robe type things stashed away in his wardrobe. All silky
and expensive looking they are too. Couple of them're Japanesy
looking...but they're his favourites, so I didn't choose one of those.
Picked out a paisley one instead. Felt good against my skin. Bit tight
across the shoulders of course and short in the arm, but it did very
nicely. And I like the thought of wearing something of his next to my
skin. There was a faint smell of him still lingering on it...not
aftershave or anything...his own natural scent and that made it even
better. Suppose now I've worn it my scent'll be on it too, mingling with
his. Until he washes it anyway. Nice thought that... 

He gave me a wolf whistle from the bed as he watched me tie the belt, and
a suitably derogatory comment about how gorgeous I was...for which I
belted him one...very gently mind, in view of his injuries...but I was
really chuffed he could joke about it. He was so obviously feeling better.


I went through to make some coffee then and brought it back to the
bedroom, and we sat and drank it together, sprawled on the bed. 

Funny, you know. In my time I've imagined being with Ray in so many moods
and situations - fantasized I suppose...thought about how it'd be to make
love to him...all of that...but I don't think anything could better that
morning when I lay there, wearing that dressing gown of his and we sat and
drank our coffee in bed. 

There was no embarrassment at all between us, you see...it was great. We
were so relaxed and at ease and in tune with each other...not talking much
- not needing to - just the occasional comment when we felt like it. 

Come to think of it the whole of that first day had a magical quality to
it. It had its heavy moments too of course, cos I *did* persuade him to
talk a bit more about Parker, which he needed to do, but even so the whole
day was perfect. One of those special days, you know, the rare ones that
only come along once in a blue moon. 

He opened up a bit more about Parker anyway, which was the main thing, and
talked to me very deeply about it. He needed to do that more than
anything, so I was glad he trusted me enough to be able to do it. 

We didn't do anything special that day - didn't go out or anything, which
was nice, cos I wanted him to myself. Just pottered round the flat, did a
bit of reading, watched some TV, talked...a lot...about a lot of things,
some serious, some not so serious... Well I had to try to make him laugh
now and then, didn't I, and cheer him up a bit... 

Then in the evening he cooked one of his amazing spaghettis... Think Ray
finds being in a kitchen very therapeutic...same way I feel about an
afternoon on the firing range or a good work out...and he really is good
at it you know...no kidding...I think it's the best spaghetti I've ever
eaten. Perfect end to a perfect day really. 

There was only one thing bothering me and that was whether or not I should
stay the night. Bit of a problem. I mean, I *wanted* to, and yet I was
scared to at the same time in case things started to get a bit out of hand
- on my side at least. He was still very fragile at that point you see,
for all he was bearing up so well. Plus, I didn't want to leave him alone
if he didn't feel up to being by himself... 

I reckoned on balance though it wouldn't do either of us any harm to have
a bit of breathing space from each other. I mean you can have too much of
anything, whether it's a good or bad thing... 

We were so open with each other that day I felt able to bring it straight
out in the open though and tell him how I really felt about it, and leave
it to him to make the decision...making sure he knew I was more than
willing to fit in with whatever he preferred. 

And he agreed about the breathing space bit. I reckon he might have been
thinking about it too. And he looked OK when I left him - not lost or
bereft or anything. 

Course, I phoned him up when I got back to my place, just to make sure.
But he was OK. The thing that was worrying me most was the thought of him
having another bloody nightmare like that first one, with me not being
there to help...but when I phoned him the next morning, checking again, he
said he'd slept fine...no trouble at all, and I could tell he wasn't
having me on either. 

You see the thing with Ray is, he's basically such an independent person I
knew the sooner he could get back to normal in the sense of me not looking
after him and being with him every minute of the day - the better it'd be
for him. You know, healthier for him, taking into account the way he's
made. 

I mean, I wouldn't be doing him any favours at all in the long run if I
carried on acting like a full-time nursemaid. The sooner he made the break
the sooner he'd get back to being his normal self. 

He knew it too of course, which is why he didn't protest. 

And he did it too. I mean, he did amazingly well. Got back to his usual
bouncy self so quickly... 

Well, I knew the pain was still there just under the surface, and it'd be
there for a while as well...you don't get over a traumatic experience like
that too quickly, but he's a good healer is Ray, both physically and
emotionally...and after two weeks off he was fine, well physically at
least. 

Goulding passed him technically fit anyway, though obviously he was far
from ready to go back to full active duty. Even two weeks off makes you
rusty in this job. That's why you have to go and get yourself checked out
in every department, each time you come back from leave... 

So, although Ray was to all intents and purposes back on the Squad once
he'd gone through a spot of re-training I had to resign myself to being
without him, at least for a few weeks. 

Cowley had me teamed with Turner for the two weeks Ray had been off sick
anyway, which was enough to drive me crazy. About the worst thing he could
have done to me. Christ, he's such a berk is Turner...gets right up my
nose...and he knows it... 

Trouble is I can't work with anyone but Ray. I hate it. And you'd think
after all this time Cowley'd have learned some sense and wouldn't keep
trying to force it on me, wouldn't you? 

Christ, but it was boring, and I was missing Ray so much... 

Give Cowley his due though. Suppose he thought he was doing me a favour
giving me lighter work after the Ojuka business, but it didn't do me any
good at all. I could have done with some good, hard tension-releasing
action, not this boring bloody surveillance he put Turner and me on. 

I kept calling in to see Cowley anyway...making my usual complaint about
Turner, like I've done in the past, but it didn't do any good. Cowley kept
us together. Well, it suited him to do that, didn't it? 

To tell the truth, there are special reasons why I hate working with
Turner too. Well, he was the one Cowley teamed me with when Ray got
himself suspended when he was involved with the Holly girl, so just
looking at Turner brings back bad memories... 

I was still worried about Ray of course as well. I mean, he seemed to be
doing fine, and he had the added bonus of knowing that when the case came
up, there was no doubt Parker'd be tucked away safe and secure for the
rest of his natural life. Thugs like him never get out. CI5 sees to that. 

And Ray was doing fine as I say. I'm not saying other people, particularly
Cowley, didn't have their suspicions that something pretty horrific had
happened to him during the Ojuka business, but nobody ever knew for sure.
Cowley never tried to pry either, for which I admired him. As long as Ray
did his job OK, I suppose he took the view it was none of his business. 

It wasn't easy though. To be honest I think the problems were more on my
side than his. I was so afraid of coming on too strong, and it was so hard
*not* to come on strong, being without him all day and only seeing him at
night or whenever my current shift ended. 

We'd slept together a few times after that first incredible night and Ray
still seemed happy about it, but we'd never gone any further than holding
each other, and to be honest, it was all getting to be a bit too much for
me...so I started backing off from it a bit. So did Ray. I know he
understood the problem...that's probably why he backed off too...but I
knew he was feeling guilty as well, because although he was all healed up
physically he still had no interest in anything remotely connected with
sex, with me or a girl...or anyone... 

Christ, it was difficult. It was driving me crazy. You see, in the natural
order of things I couldn't see how a fit and healthy Ray Doyle would ever
have got round to wanting to go to bed with me anyway. The Parker business
had just sort of pushed us together into the kind of intimacy we'd
probably never have got around to at all. I hated thinking that I'd pushed
Ray into that kind of situation because there was no way he couldn't know
that I wanted him now, and had wanted him for a while, and I was so scared
he'd feel obligated into doing something about it when he didn't really
want it himself... 

And I knew I was putting pressure on him all round and that was the last
thing I'd wanted to do. 

I was scared it'd spoil what we already had too...the friendship...the
kind of closeness I've never had with anyone else, and don't think I could
have... 

I honestly couldn't see any way round it and it was tearing me apart... 

Anyway, he was away for a few weeks then, getting himself back to full
strength as per Cowley's orders, and I didn't see him at all. He phoned
every night without fail, but I didn't actually see him...and I missed him
so much... 

It was almost worth having missed him so much to see the way he looked
when he came back though. He looked...God, how can I describe him
adequately...he looked bloody fantastic... 

CI5 have this new training site down on the coast and he must have been
out in the open air a lot of the time because he was all tanned and
glowing and slim and fit and bright eyed, and his hair had even lightened
a bit in the sun to a brighter, almost copper shade. Christ, but he was
gorgeous. 

I went down to meet him at the station because he'd decided to come by
train rather than car, and I stood there on the platform, watching him
walk up to the ticket barrier...striding along so gracefully like he does
and he...well, he just took my breath away... 

He was pretty chirpy as well...well on the surface at least. Chatted away
non stop in the car about bloody Macklin, who it seemed hadn't changed a
bit...if anything from what Ray said, he might have even gotten worse. He
told me all about the new training programme and the scenery and the
drawings he'd managed to do in his spare time... Promised to show me some
as well...which reminds me...he never had...must have a word with him
about that. I'd like to see them. He's good is Ray...very
accomplished...specially at sketching. He's even done a couple of me
which're halfway decent... 

Anyway, he'd obviously enjoyed himself and looked pretty much back to
normal, and I was so glad I just let him rattle on in the car, giving him
a free reign, just chipping in with the odd word now and again...not
wanting to dampen his enthusiasm. 

I'd been expecting him...well, I'd checked with Cowley exactly when he was
due back, hadn't I...so I'd made an effort and done some shopping and got
some 'proper' food for him, as he calls it. Nothing special, but fresh
stuff...you know...meat and veg and things... Hates eating out of tins
does Ray. Doesn't bother me, but he gets all paranoid...goes on and on
about it, telling me about all the junk I'm putting inside myself every
day... 

I took him back to my place first because that's where I'd left
everything, and he seemed to appreciate what I'd done...well he grabbed
ahold of a few things and set to work on them in the kitchen straightaway,
saying he was gonna make me the most fantastic meal I'd ever eaten, so I
reckon I must've done OK and got the right kind of stuff in. 

And like I've said before Ray finds being in a kitchen therapeutic, God,
surround him with pots and pans and he's happy as a lark. Transforms
him...gets a look of real joy and contentment on his little face when he's
chopping and mixing and stirring... 

It'd even be kind of pathetic if the results didn't run out to be so
fantastic. Yeah, he's a good cook all right. Maybe he should have taken it
up for a living...it'd have suited him. Safer too. Only trouble is if he
had I'd never have known him, would I? 

He quieted down a bit after we'd eaten. Suppose he was as full as I was,
because we both had two helpings. Great it was too...fish with a load of
vegetables all done in this fantastic white sauce...very tasty...nothing
I've ever tasted before. Definitely a Doyle original. 

I'd got a couple of bottles of wine in too and afterwards we just sat back
on the sofa, finishing the wine, not needing to talk. It was so pleasant
and peaceful. Nice to be like that with Ray sometimes. Only person I can
think of I'm truly at ease with in that way... 

After a while though he said, just like a bolt out of the blue, with no
warning, "I had a girl while I was away." 

Well, that more or less floored me for a minute. Dunno how I felt to be
honest. Jealous I suppose, but that's nothing new. I've always felt like
that about his girlfriends...glad too, cos it was a sign he was getting
back to normal...and scared I suppose, in case it hadn't gone well for
him. 

He was being very matter of fact about it anyway, so I said, "Was it OK?" 

"Yeah, it was fine," he said, looking straight at me, "made me understand
a few things about myself though." 

I couldn't begin to figure out what he meant by that so I didn't even try.


"Oh yeah...what things?" I said, trying to sound calm. 

"Oh, I dunno..." he said vaguely, "just things. Me, you, things in
general..." 

He looked a bit nervous all at once, as if he was half sorry he'd told me.
"You see," he said awkwardly, flushing a bit, "all the time I was with
her, I was thinking about you...wanting you so much...at first it scared
me...but not after a while. It was horrible to think I was using a girl
like that too...but you see, it made me get things straight in my mind
somehow...so straight that I wanna tell you about it." 

I wasn't capable of saying anything at that point, so I didn't. Just
carried on looking at him. 

"Don't get me wrong," he said, "I enjoyed it all right. And I think she
did too...well she didn't seem to have any complaints," with one of those
cheeky grins of his that melts my insides, "and it was good to know I
could still make it with a girl and enjoy it...but she wasn't what I
wanted Bodie." 

I was more than a bit overwhelmed by what he was saying, because I knew
now exactly what was coming next. I was excited too, of course. I mean, I
could hardly believe it, and my heart was banging away like crazy against
my ribs, but I was scared too. Christ, if he was gonna say what I
*thought* he was gonna say I was half afraid it was too much of a
responsibility for me to handle, in view of what'd happened to him just a
few weeks ago. 

Still, I couldn't back out, could I? So I said, "Oh yeah, what was it you
wanted then?" 

"You," he said, staring hard at me. God, his eyes are so piercing
sometimes. They see everything, as if they're looking right down into your
very soul. 

I think I must have looked pretty shaken by that cos he covered my hand
with his and squeezed hard. 

"Sorry," he said, "I know I've put you through a lot and this probably
only makes it worse...but I've thought a lot while I've been away and I'm
so sure Bodie...if you still wanna give it a try that is. Promise I won't
do any of the shrinking violet stuff on you again." 

Christ, what was I supposed to say to that? I was half afraid I was gonna
cry for a start, I felt so choked up inside. 

But I found my voice from somewhere. "I've never stopped wanting to give
it a try," I said, "but I've been so scared of pushing you...scaring you
off. Haven't known what to do for the best." 

"I know that, you crazy lunatic...don't need to tell me that..." He was
half crying too, which made me feel better...I remember he kept on
stroking his hand over mine too, almost obsessively, trying to reassure
me, I suppose. 

"It's only been a few weeks," I said, "and it's a pretty big decision for
you to take anyway, whether there'd been Parker or not...considering it's
not your scene..." 

"Yeah, crazy, isn't it?" he said softly, "but now I come to think of it,
I've got a lot to thank Parker for." 

I knew what he meant, but it seemed a strange way of putting it... I mean
if there'd been no Parker we'd probably never have got so close in the
first place cos there was no way I'd ever have had the nerve to make a
move, not with Ray...with anyone else, but never with him... 

I didn't know what to say to him, so I just sat there like a bloody
tongue-tied idiot. Then he whispered,"Remember you told me it didn't have
to be like it was with Parker...that night it happened? You made me
believe it could be so sweet and good...please Bodie...please show me how
sweet it can be...please...I need you so..." 

He'd taken hold of me and was nuzzling his mouth against my cheek, placing
all these featherlight little kisses on me, rubbing his face against
mine... God, the way it made me feel... 

"Is this all right?" he was saying, "please Bodie...tell me if you really
don't want to, but please say it's all right..." 

I was kissing him back by this time, well how could I help myself? so I
reckon he must have known how all right it was... 

God, it was wonderful, we lay like that for quite a while, just kissing
and tasting each other. He tastes exquisite... 

And the crazy thing was, even after wanting him so long, I didn't really
have to force myself to go slow with him. It wasn't really difficult at
all, which was good because I knew it had to be slow and easy for him this
first time... 

"You're wonderful," he said after a while, when he drew back,
"wonderful...knew you would be..." And the way he was looking at me, well,
there was so much love in his eyes I knew I was getting all emotional
again, so I figured that was the best time to move. If I left it much
longer I knew I'd probably be beyond it. 

For all his apparent confidence, I knew he needed me to take control of
things as well. It couldn't have been easy for him, whether he wanted it
or not...so I got up and pulled him up after me, still keeping hold of his
hand. Well, it helped a lot, cos mine was shaking so much you see... 

"Come on then..." I said, "let's go to bed." 

I'll never forget the smile he gave me when I said that. His face
positively beamed back at me. 

When we got through to the bedroom he sat down on the edge of the bed,
looking up at me. l could see the nervousness in his eyes, so I sat down
next to him and put my arms round him and kissed him a while longer. His
mouth's like honey...hot and sweet and delicious...nectar... 

After a couple of minutes he pulled away and sat with his arms on my
shoulders, holding me at arms length, looking at me. 

"This is crazy," he said, "let's get undressed." 

I didn't look at him while I got undressed, well I was feeling a bit
embarrassed by this time. He turns me on so much you see I was already
hard and I was still half afraid of him seeing in case it put him
off...cos I knew there was no way I should leave my briefs on this time...


But he didn't seem to mind. I was in bed before him anyway, sitting
waiting for him. I switched the light out, thinking he might prefer it
that way, but when he got into bed he switched the bedside lamp on. 

"Wanna see you," he said, lying back, "and if I don't have the light on, I
won't will I?" 

I lay by his side, propped up on an elbow and looked down at him, tracing
a fingertip gently down that beautiful hair on his chest, right down to
his belly button. I'd wanted to do that for so long. Think he enjoyed it
too because he shivered and smiled up at me. 

I touched my fingers to both his nipples in turn then...very lightly. They
looked fine...all healed up, but I couldn't be sure. They must have been
OK though because he grabbed hold of the back of my head and brought it
down to his chest, wanting me to suck him. 

That was something else I'd wanted to do as well...well there's no law
says a man can't get as much pleasure from it as a woman, is there? 

God it was delicious..feeling those hard, round nubs of flesh growing taut
on my tongue, and the hair there too, even round his nipples... 

I tried not to suck too hard, but he seemed to want it because he kept
arching his back up towards me, pushing my head down harder. 

I was stroking my hands over his stomach at the same time, not wanting to
go too fast, but trying to give him as much pleasure as I could, and he
loved that too, started to writhe and thrust a bit against me...moaning,
whispering my name, stroking his hands up and down over my back and
buttocks. 

That's an incredible turn on for me...just being touched there and he kept
kneading each one in turn with his palms, till I started to thrust a
little too...I couldn't help it... 

He was semi-erect, like I was, which was wonderful...but I could hardly
believe it. That was when I decided I should stop for a while anyway...it
was too much...I could so easily have lost control, just knowing he was
getting hard for me, that he was enjoying it. 

I lifted my head and looked down at him and his face was all dreamy and a
bit flushed, his eyes shining very brightly... 

He smiled up at me. "Not like Parker...nothing like him at all...so
gentle..." he whispered. He pulled my head down again, kissing me so long
and hard, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth... 

That made me moan a bit too, it's something else I've dreamed of so often.


By the time the kiss was over I think I must have been sobbing a bit
because he put his arms round me and held me very tight against his chest
for a minute or so, then turned us over so he was lying on top of me.
"Love the hard feel of you between my legs..." he said. 

He rubbed himself against me, making me thrust again, then started to nip
kiss his way all over my face and then my body, still rubbing his cock
against mine. I could feel the dark, thick hair down there tickling
against me too... 

"Come on love...it's all right...let go with me...let it happen..." he was
whispering, "I want it so...so much love for you..." 

Well I was almost incoherent by that time, thrusting crazily...out of
control... 

I managed to turn on my side, taking him with me, lifting one leg over his
to bring him in closer, my hands on his ass, pressing him in closer still.


I pressed my mouth over his and then oh God, I was flying and he was
flying with me every inch of the way, thrusting just as hard as I
was...cock bumping and rubbing against mine so erotically...Christ, how we
soared. I've never known anything like it... It's as if I'd been waiting
for it the whole of my life... 

It was over so soon...too soon...I wanted it to go on for ever, but it
seemed he wanted it as much as I did...all I know is we came together and
that made it even more wonderful...it's the most complete climax I've ever
known... Incredible...because it was so innocent what we did really...only
a matter of rubbing against each other a few times before it happened.
Best that way though. I don't think either of us could have taken much
more that first time...we just needed to be able to come together so
completely. 

It took us both a while to come back down to earth. I was lying on my back
splayed out, and I seem to remember he came round first...well, he's got
lots of energy has Ray...hard to keep up with him sometimes... Well he
moved first anyway...started sucking at my nipples a bit, then licking his
way down my body, making me squirm...lapping at my stomach, where I was
all sticky... 

I'm ticklish too, which not many people know, so he made me laugh too and
he laughed right along with me. "A ticklish Bodie eh?" I heard him whisper
as he kissed his way back up my body, "you see...finding out all your
secrets now..." 

"Yeah, well, just see you don't tell anyone else," I warned. 

"You're incredible," he said, nuzzling at my neck, making me shiver. 

I closed my arms across his back, hugged him hard. 

"So good to lie against you," he said, "so warm and solid." 

I lifted his head then, looked up at him, saw his eyes shining back at me
so tenderly, cheeks a bit flushed, lips a bit swollen, looking
fantastic... And, amazingly, looking like he'd enjoyed what we'd done
together too... 

"You all right then?" I asked, just checking, you know, though I wasn't in
much doubt. 

"Never better," he whispered, looking at me in a very sexy way...he can be
very sexy when he wants to, can Ray. "You?" 

"Oh yeah, I'm fine," I said, smiling. 

"Yeah, well do me a favour, will you?" he said, doing the mock aggressive
bit, "let go a bit more next time. I'm not gonna break. And I don't need
to be treated like a piece of bloody Dresden china either." He widened his
eyes at me as he said that last bit...really meaning it. 

He made me laugh again when he said that...well, knowing he really was OK,
made me so happy I had no worries left at all... 

I flipped him over onto his back again. He fought me a bit...play acting,
you know, but I managed it eventually...it's amazing how anyone so slight
can be so strong like Ray is. Not as strong as me I don't think, but not
bad for his size... 

I started running my hands over his chest, enjoying feeling the hair
trickle through my fingers. "Where'd you get all this hair from then?" I
teased, "not to mention this..." brushing my hand against the hair at his
groin. He jumped at that. 

"Know what you are don't you?" he said. 

"Evil?" I suggested. 

"That and a lot of other things," he said, reaching up to kiss me. 

He looked a bit thoughtful then, traced his fingers over my face, running
them over my eyebrows and eyelids and cheeks. "You've had a lot of
experience, haven't you, Bodie?" he said, smiling a little. 

"What? With men?" 

"Yeah, with men," he said, sort of emphasizing the point. 

Well, what was I supposed to say to that? There've been a few I admit... 

I shrugged, asked him why he wanted to know. 

"Because you were so good," he said, kissing me again, "you knew just what
to do to make it the best for me." 

I was a bit overwhelmed by that...didn't feel up to saying anything. 

"Did I make it OK for you?" he asked, sounding sort of hesitant and
worried. "It must have been a bit tame for you. Was it enough?" 

God...the crazy...I couldn't believe he didn't know just how good he had
made it for me, so of course I had to take a couple of minutes to explain
it all to him then, didn't I...to tell him that I'd rather do what I'd
just done with him than fuck anyone else I've ever known...male or female.


I think he got the message because he lay right down beside me and set to
work...and made us come again...believe it or not...well, it doesn't take
much with me when he's around, but I have to admit I surprised myself a
bit...being able to manage it so soon after the first time...he didn't
seem to have too many problems in that direction either... 

Afterwards he kissed me and said, "you've laid all the ghost to rest. All
gone now..." 

I don't think I quite believed him then...not at that point in our
relationship, but I think I do now... Well, it's been over a year
now...and we've come a long way since then, and we're still going
strong...better than ever in fact...closer with every day that passes... 

So, yeah...I think I'm inclined to believe him now. All I know is I love
him more and more as time goes on...never gonna let him go either...and as
he doesn't seem to object to that, cos I've told him...seems all in all
we've got a pretty perfect relationship, doesn't it... 

-- THE END -- 

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