The Professionals Circuit Archive - It's a Wonderful Life	  It's a
Wonderful Life

 

by Linda  
 Raymond Doyle stood looking out at the river beneath him. The Thames took
on an almost mystical glow at night, as though the river was not made of
mere water--but of light mixed with the quicksilver mystery of mercury.
Ray distantly recalled that he had once found the view mesmerising. His
realisation that he could only remember all that beauty instead of being
able to see it for himself made his decision that much easier. The painful
resentment of life's burdens that had driven him from his warm flat into
the icy embrace of a Christmas Eve's night crystallised into simple
clarity and understanding: all the beauty and joy had gone out of his life
to be replaced by endless guilt and pain.

And he had had enough. More than enough.

Ignoring the cold, Ray removed his gloves and started climbing over the
protective railing.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The smooth, confident voice caught him off guard and he started, numb
fingers nearly losing their grip on the cold metal cable. He turned as
much as he was able, adding inattentiveness to the list of faults that
would soon be remedied. He could have sworn that he was alone on the
bridge, not another person in sight even on the shadowed banks. "Just
bugger...." He caught his breath as he caught a glimpse of the interfering
stranger.

The speaker wasn't a man. Or rather it was a man, but more than a man. It
was an angel. Maybe....

Ray shook his head, closed his eyes and counted to six. Please, he begged,
just let me hold myself together long enough to finish this. He slowly
opened his eyes. The angel was still there. Before he could close his eyes
and try again, a less than heavenly hand took him by the shoulder and
heaved him back to the safe side of the railing.

"What do you think you're doing, Raymond?"

The angel's wings were electric blue and seemed to have little universes
of light moving through them. Ray watched as a fountain of angry sparks
ignited through the centre of one, leaving swirling trails flowing to the
tip.

A rough shake broke his contemplation of the amazing event and he was
dragged further from the railings to the questionable shelter of a pillar.
"I asked you what you thought you were doing!"

In the yellow light of the safety beacon Ray was able to see the angel's
face.

"Bodie?"

A deep, exasperated sigh was followed by an even more exasperated: "Of
course I'm not Bodie. Or not fully Bodie anyway." The angel pouted a
moment then added, "The easiest way for you to think about it is that I
borrowed some of Bodie."

Ignoring the impossibility of the entire situation, Ray searched the
familiar dark blue eyes. "Bodie's in there with you?"

"Most of him." The angel seemed resigned to let himself be side-tracked.
"I had to leave some of him with his body."

Ray let out a long shuddering breath. "He's not...he's not dead then?"

The angel shook his head slowly. "No, he's as he has been. Not dead, not
alive. Waiting."

Ray sunk to the cold concrete of the walkway. He could feel warm tears
running down his cheeks to become icy on his neck. All he had wanted was
to rest, to forget. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked, between sniffs. "Why can't you
just let me be?" He didn't want to think anymore about Bodie silent and
unmoving. It hurt too much....

The angel lowered himself to the ground, carefully tucking his wings to
the side. "Bodie asked me to come. He's worried about you."

Ray laughed. "The stupid sod is two steps from dead and he's wasting his
worry on me?" He wiped his nose on his sleeve. "Figures though. Bodie
never did have any sense."

A hard poke in the side reminded him that the Bodie he knew was somewhere
lurking in the angel's form. And the simple childish gesture reminded him
of just why he missed his Bodie so much. No one else would be daft enough
to treat him like a schoolboy. No one else would bother. The tears started
again. Two leather clad arms pulled him close and he found himself tucked
against the angel's chest. "I'm getting you all wet."

"I'll dry," the angel muttered in a familiar voice.

"Why? Why do you look like Bodie?" Ray asked between sniffs. He rubbed his
face against the familiar hard muscles.

The angel ruffled Ray's curls. "It's always safest to approach the people
we're sent to help as someone they know and trust. Saves trying to bring
them out of shock after they've seen the golden glow of perfection."

Ray gave a small smile and his sobs finally slowed. "I don't suppose
you'll be surprised to know that I don't believe a moment of this. How
long until you're going to disappear and leave me to it?"

The angel pulled back and looked into Doyle's puffy and less than
attractive eyes. "All too soon, Raymond. What we have to do must be done
before dawn on Christmas day."

The entire thing was ridiculous. Ray tried to remember if he had decided
to kill himself with a lethal mixture of pills and alcohol. That was
probably it and the entire jumping off the bridge scenario was just a
stupid hallucination whilst he waited for his heart to stop.

"Please, Ray."

The voice was so much like Bodie's that Ray felt his heart break. He could
never deny his partner anything and even if this Bodie-angel was a
hallucination, he didn't think he could start now. But first he was going
to try to get this hallucination on track. "What sort of an angel are you,
anyway?" He gave the leather-clad body a thorough inspection. Bodie always
did look good in black leather.

The angel stood and held a hand out. "I'm a dark angel, of course. You did
have one of the usual angels assigned to you. You know the type, a bit
prissy and filled with love and understanding, but I'm afraid he just
couldn't handle it." The angel laughed. "You play a little rough for most
of that lot."

"But not for you, eh?" Ray was starting to feel somewhat normal despite
the circumstances and he couldn't help but treat the angel that looked so
much like Bodie with a lack of respect usually reserved for someone he had
known for years.

For a moment the angel froze and a strange, dangerous look passed over his
face. "Oh, you really have no idea how petty your games are compared to a
war in Heaven."

A deep shiver that had nothing to do with cold passed through Ray's body.
What little he remembered of his church lessons was enough to remind him
that Satan himself had once been a beautiful angel. A beautiful fallen
angel. With some concern he allowed himself to be pulled upright.

Of course, the angel sensed his mood and released him quickly. "Don't be
concerned, Raymond. If I had wanted to hurt you I would have pushed you
off the bridge rather than haul you back over the rail, wouldn't I?"

Ray rolled his eyes, his emotions rollercoastering yet again. "Why am I
worrying about this? You're not real anyway." He moved close, almost
touching. Flirting the way he did so often with Bodie. "What do we do
next?" He traced a fingertip down the unshaven jaw, remembering the last
time Bodie had used that mouth on him.

"Nothing like that, Raymond." The angel pushed the hand away. "We're going
to do the more usual things."

"This is my hallucination!" Ray argued.

The angel gave the same superior look that always made Ray want to hit
Bodie. "Actually it isn't and there's only one thing that we're going to
do. I'm going to run you around and show you what life would have been
like if you had never been born."

"What! Just like that old movie?"

A few sparks shot off the electric blue wings. "No, not like that stupid
movie! As if I'd have to earn my wings! Bells indeed! It's really rather
insulting."

Despite everything, Ray found himself wanting to laugh. The angel smiled a
beautiful Bodie-smile and the next thing he knew they were off the bridge
and smack-dab at CI5 Headquarters.

Only it wasn't CI5, was it? Ray struggled to make sense of the posters in
every language but English. "Where are we?"

The angel didn't bother answering, but instead led him down a familiar
hallway toward what he recognised as Cowley's office. Sure enough, sitting
at her usual spot was Betty. A little older, hair a little shorter, but
definitely Betty.

"Betty!" Ray called out, inordinately glad to find someone familiar in the
topsy turvey dream.

The woman raised her head at hearing her name but frowned at Ray's
unfamiliar appearance. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"She doesn't you know," the angel whispered. Despite's the angel's
definitely not human appearance, Betty didn't seem to notice anything
amiss about the man, indeed, she didn't seem to notice him at all.

"You've forgotten me, I'm sure. We were once introduced by George Cowley,"
Ray covered quickly.

Betty's face fell. "You were a friend of George's?"

"Yes. Well," Ray faltered, "not exactly friends. We worked together at
times."

Betty didn't seem to notice Ray's confusion. "It's hard to believe he's
been gone nearly three years." She looked around at the definitely not-CI5
furnishings. "He wouldn't recognise the place now. Or approve," she added
in a lower voice.

"Things have changed." Quite the understatement. "Still, you're here."

"I was lucky. After the Ministry decided to disband CI5 I applied to the
Asylum Project and was taken on." She shook her head sadly. "I've heard
that Kirstie and Charlie are still out of work."

A harsh buzz sounded and Betty immediately grabbed a pen and notepad.
"I've got to run." She rose and smiled at him. "Take care, Mr...?"

"Doyle. Ray Doyle."

The buzzer sounded again. Betty gave a quick angry look at the closed
door. "I always knew Mr. Cowley was a wonderful man to work for, but I
didn't know how lucky I was. Still, at least I'm alive."

Before Ray could try and figure out what it all meant, Betty disappeared
into what had once been Cowley's office.

The angel didn't wait for questions. "Cowley, Susan, Murphy, Jax, Anson
and all the rest of your friends are dead. Killed by a mad woman named
Wakeman. Without anyone much left alive, it was decided that it was too
much trouble to rebuild CI5."

"All dead?" Ray was stunned. "How can they all be dead just because I
wasn't on the squad?"

"That's the way the universe works, Raymond. Like falling dominoes, one
mistake and the entire pile goes if there's nothing to stop it. There
wasn't anything to stop it this time because you never joined CI5."

A horrible thought entered Ray's head. "Bodie? Was Bodie killed too?"

The angel gave him a look that was pure angel with nothing of Bodie but
the stern drawn lips. "No, Bodie didn't die along with the rest. That was
one fate he was spared." Despite the wings, the angel managed to sit on
the edge of Betty's desk and immediately opened the topmost drawer.

Ray slammed the drawer shut, nearly catching a heavenly digit. "Keep out
of there!"

"Nothing to see anyway." The angel narrowed his eyes. "Lunch suit you
now?"

Suddenly Ray found himself ravenous.

The angel stood. "I think we should make a trip to your favourite
restaurant, don't you?"

"The Happy Pig," Ray murmured, remembering a delicious roasted vegetable
sandwich.

Instead of the inaptly named vegan paradise Ray was anticipating, he found
himself standing instead in the middle of an urban wasteland. A cold, dark
wind blew something wicked through the thick weave of his coat and Ray
shivered with atavistic terror.

"Where are we?"

"Right where you wanted to go." The angel stretched an arm out and
motioned sweepingly. "Of course, things have changed a bit since you last
enjoyed a visit."

Something that he should remember niggled at the back of his mind but
refused to come closer. "Wha...what happened here?"

"Don't you remember, Ray? It wasn't so very long ago. Or so very far."

The memory fell into place. "The bomb." Ray stared out toward where the
bowling alley had once been. "The atom bomb."

"That's right." The angel sneered patronisingly. "But without you, Bodie
didn't make the Swallows connection and the bomb was never found."

"And it exploded," Ray finished.

A mirthless laugh and shower of sparks were the only response. For a while
the two stood contemplating the bulldozed city blocks. Ray having long
since forgotten his belief that none of it was real.

"How many died?"

"Thousands." The angel gave a grim look. "But some things are worse than
death, aren't they?"

******

It was some sort of hospital. Ray recognised the industrial smell, the NHS
paint and the familiar feeling of dread that seemed to come over him when
visiting hospitals. He wondered when he had stopped thinking of hospitals
as places to heal and started thinking of them as places to die. What day
was it when loss and killing had become all there was to his life? When
had he lost his faith in everything except the knowledge that tomorrow
would be worse than today? The angel could probably tell him down to the
minute, but if he were honest he knew already.

Knowing that he didn't want to see whatever the angel had brought them
there to see, Ray refused to follow the angel as he set off down the long
corridor. "You've made your point. Without me, things would have been
worse. Alright, enough."

"No it's not enough." The angel turned. "What makes you think you've done
enough? What makes you think that there's some point in life when you can
stand back and decide 'That's it, I'm done'?"

He pushed Ray against the wall hard, anger barely in check. "I didn't do
all this so that you'd die happy knowing that you'd done your bit." He
eased his grip a little. "I did all this, Raymond, so that you'd be so
frightened of what might happen if you give up, if you quit. If you aren't
there again."

"It's too late." Ray hit the angel's arm, trying to drive it away. "Don't
you see? Even if I stopped Cowley from being killed, stopped the bomb,
saved all of bloody London, I couldn't save Bodie!"

The sapphire eyes were filled with a gentle understanding. "You must come
with me, Ray. Dawn will be here soon."

Defeated, Ray silently followed the angel down the long corridor until he
stopped in front of a single room. As he had somehow known, a lone figure
lay propped up on some pillows. The room was dark, almost beyond seeing,
but it didn't seem to bother the man busy with something Ray couldn't
quite make out. Behind them, the door opened and a nursing sister came in,
switching on a light as she passed.

"How are you doing then, Mr. Bodie?"

Oh yes, it was Bodie. But a Bodie that Ray hadn't seen even in his worst
nightmares. The face that he had secretly believed to be beautiful, the
one that he loved to watch in all its moods was now barely recognisable.
And perhaps in what was a kindness, he was blind as well. Ray let out a
small whimper and moved toward the door but a strong hand held him firm.
"She can't see us either. Watch."

Bodie held up a box of tangled ribbon. "This is a real mess, but I think
I'm making sense of it. Once I get it sorted I'll start on the bows."

"Oh, very good. You don't know what a help this is to us." She started on
clearing up bits of ribbon from the smooth blanket covering the man.
"Shall we have a trip to the toilet and then go on to lunch before you
start on the rest of the box?"

She rolled a wheelchair to the side of the bed and helped the frail man
into it. "You're doing very well today. Perhaps you'd enjoy some time out
in the garden, there's a bit of sun today."

"No, not today. It will be too crowded what with holiday visitors and
all."

A look of sadness crossed her face. "I'd forgotten, I'm sorry."

For all that his body was ravaged; his mind must have been clear for Bodie
picked up on the tone of her voice. "Don't waste your pity on me, Cheryl.
The greatest gift I could give to everyone I knew was to let them think of
me as dead. Last thing I'd ever want was for someone to have to come here
and pretend they were happy to see me."

Tears had filled Cheryl's eyes, but she said nothing, only squeezing
Bodie's shoulder lightly.

They left the room and for a few moments nothing could be heard but the
retreating sound of the wheelchair wheels and Ray's anguished sobs.

"He was too close to the blast. Like so many others." The angel walked to
the side of the now empty bed and pulled a satiny green ribbon from the
box. "Nice of Cheryl to keep him busy, make him feel useful in the little
time he has left."

Ray wiped his nose on his sleeve, uncaring of social niceties. The idea of
Bodie finding a make-work task of sorting ribbon fulfilling was more
horrible than even the loss of the pale-skinned beauty or sight. "You
didn't have to bring me here! I didn't need to see this!"

Once again he found himself held against black leather. With gentle
fingertips, the angel reached and wiped a tear away. "This reality is
nothing more than what might have been, Raymond. Once we leave, this world
will cease to exist. But everyday humanity stands at the edge of similar
disasters; the only thing that prevents them is the intervention of good
men. Good men like you, Raymond. You can't give up. Humanity needs you.
Bodie needs you."

******

They were back on the bridge, away from the awful might-have-been reality.
A slight glow was starting in the eastern sky. "Will Bodie--my Bodie--be
alright?"

The angel looked grave. "I don't know. There are some things that even we
can't see."

So much wasted time. Ray took the angel by the shoulders and looked deep
into the dark blue eyes. "I know he's in there, please let me have a
minute with him." His voice broke. "It might be our only chance...."

The angel nodded and before Ray was ready for it Bodie was there before
him.

"Ray?"

"Yes, it's me. Don't worry about how right now."

Ray took his partner into his arms and buried his face against the smooth
skin. "I've missed you so much, Bodie."

"I've missed you, Ray." Bodie wrapped his arms around Ray, holding him
close. "I don't really remember where I've been, but I do know that I've
been missing you horribly."

Ray didn't want to stop holding Bodie but he knew he had to say the words
before it was too late. He pushed back and looked into Bodie's questioning
eyes. "I'm sorry, Bodie."

"What are you...."

"Shhh. I need to say this Bodie." Ray smoothed his hand across Bodie's
forehead and hair. "I'm sorry I was so selfish, Bodie. I'm sorry I didn't
know how much you meant to me. I'm sorry I never knew how much I loved you
until it was too late." He looked away, ashamed. "And I do love you. Love
you more than I ever thought I'd love anyone. My life is nothing without
you."

Relieved that he had managed to say it, Ray finally allowed himself the
pleasure of Bodie's lips. Bodie returned the kiss, hands clutching Ray to
him as if in desperation, as if knowing that they were fated to be ripped
apart again. Ray kissed Bodie again and again, using his lips and
fingertips to tell the other man how much he was loved and cherished.

The first church bell struck and Ray felt the warmth in his arms shift and
fade. He opened his eyes and he was alone on the bridge.

The faint glow to the east turned into a full grey morning . Ray looked
down into the river, but this time his attention was not held by the
rushing water. By the increasing light he could see the stairs that made
their way to the water's edge and remembered another morning. A morning
when he and Bodie had gone in search of a woman in trouble and found a
corpse beyond help or hope. Throughout the years, Bodie had always been
with him, helping him and supporting him. And when Bodie had been unable
to do that, Ray had crumbled, too weak to stand on his own after so many
years of relying on someone he had always thought would be there.

"I'm sorry, Bodie." Ray whispered to the wind. It had all been some sort
of a dream. A Bodie-angel! It was really too bad Bodie wasn't expected to
come out of his coma because he'd get a real laugh when Ray told him that
story. But even if it was only a dream, something had changed within him.
He no longer felt as if his only option was to escape life's burdens.
Bodie deserved to have his best friend beside him and even if watching
Bodie slowly wither and die would destroy him, that was what he would do.

The wind picked up, an icy gust that cut right through his coat and made
him long for his missing hat and gloves. He started down the walkway
toward home, thrusting his hands as deeply into his pockets as possible.
His fingers tangled with something unknown and he quickly pulled it from
his pocket.

A green satin ribbon.

For a moment he stood there staring at it in silence of a Christmas
morning and then he started to shake. He fell to his knees in gutter full
of dirty half-melted snow, tears rolling down his face as the fact that
the horrors that he had seen had not been fantasy but an all too possible
outcome of the unthinking choices he had made. "Please, don't let Bodie
suffer," he prayed. "I see how selfish it was thinking of jumping off the
bridge. Please give me another chance to make things right for Bodie."

He wasn't sure how long he knelt in the gutter, perhaps only a few
minutes, but it seemed unimportant as he held the tear-sodden ribbon and
wept.

"Ray Doyle?"

Ray looked up to see a familiar face, "Sister Noel?"

The women serenely smiled at him just as if he had not been kneeling in a
gutter of slushy snow. "Ray, are you alright?"

He seemed not to have heard the question. "Do you believe in miracles?"

"Of course I do. I've just been to church after all."

Ray smiled and rose from the gutter. "I've had a miracle tonight. A real
angel came and spoke to me and now I have to get to Bodie and help him
come back."

Sister Noel showed no surprise at these pronouncements. "This is certainly
the day for miracles. But before you do that perhaps you should come back
with me and have a cup of tea and warm up. You won't do anyone any good if
you freeze to death."

Ray shivered as his wet jeans were subjected to the icy winds. "Yes,
alright. I am a bit cold."

"You come along with me. I'm staying with friends and it isn't far."
Sister Noel collected her bag and took Ray by the arm.

Before Ray knew it he was sitting in someone else's warm dressing gown in
front of a fire drinking hot tea.

Sister Noel took a seat next to him and without asking took his hand.
"You've had some rough days, haven't you? And something still troubles
your heart, but you must believe that all will be well."

Ray fought the urge to cry again. How could he tell this woman of all
people about his feelings for Bodie? Deciding that telling half the truth
was enough he said, "My partner, Bodie, was shot last month. The doctors
messed something up and he didn't get enough oxygen during the surgery."
Ray sniffed. "He's been in a coma since and now the doctors say he won't
be coming out of it. Brain damage or something."

"And you miss him very much, don't you?" Sister Noel squeezed his hand
lightly.

"Yes. I never knew how important he was to me until he was gone." Ray
closed his eyes as he felt the tears starting again. "He was always there,
always waiting for me and I...." Used him, Ray added to himself, words too
damning to share: I took what I wanted when I didn't have anything better
on offer and ignored him when I did.

"Oh, I'm sure he knew you cared for him."

"Not enough." Ray yanked his hand back and clenched his fists. "I was
always the most important person in the world to him and he was never that
for me."

"But now he is?"

Ray nodded, unable to speak for the lump in his throat.

Sister Noel stood and examined Ray's jeans that were drying before the
fire. "These are nearly dry enough to wear." She turned away from the
fire. "I don't claim to know much about God, but I do know that there are
reasons for things. If what you say is true and an angel did come to you
this evening, there was a reason for it. It's never too late for miracles,
Ray. You must believe."

"It's so hard," Ray said in a voice so full of pain that Sister Noel came
and knelt beside him.

"Of course it is." She put a gentle hand on his knee. "Miracles, true
miracles, only happen when nothing else can help you."

Ray handed Sister Noel the green ribbon. "Please, will you keep this for
me?" The Bodie who suffered so terribly from the bomb blast may not have
been real, but Ray couldn't bear to keep the ribbon that would remind him
of that pathetic figure. Likewise he could never simply discard it as
unimportant. "It's something the angel gave me."

She didn't question him, taking the ribbon solemnly before leaving the
room to allow him to dress.

******

Ray entered Bodie's hospital room with something like hope. Sister Noel
was right, what was the point of an angelic visitation if nothing much
could be changed? No, Bodie would wake up. All he had to do was to
convince Bodie that he was loved and everything would be fine.

He gently stroked the arm that wasn't currently being used for IVs. Bodie
was so pale and so very still. Ray felt tears starting as the reality of
Bodie's condition faced him. "I need you, Bodie. Need you so very, very
much." Ray wept onto the chest of the comatose man.

And then the angel's words came to him. Life was more than just getting by
and seeking your own pleasures. Life was also about helping others and
doing what needed to be done to stop the evil that was just waiting to
happen. He might need Bodie, but everyone in London needed Bodie more.
"Bodie, listen it's important. You need to wake up now, Cowley needs you,
CI5 needs you. We need to get back to work."

For a moment nothing happened and then Ray felt a change in Bodie's
breathing pattern. Shocked, he pulled back and watched the sleeping man.
Bodie took in a single long gasping breath then opened his eyes.

"Bodie!" Ray flung himself down, taking his partner in his arms. "Bodie,
you're awake!"

"Ray?" Bodie managed through dry lips.

"Shhh, don't try and talk. Everything will be alright now."

Bodie looked around, obviously trying to figure out where he was. "How'd
we get off the bridge, Ray?"

Ray stroked Bodie's cheek with a shaking hand. "We were given a second
chance for Christmas, Bodie, and this time we'll do it right. Everything's
going to be fine, I promise."

Bodie closed his eyes and smiled. "Love you, Ray."

And Ray wondered why he had ever thought that he needed anything besides
Bodie's love. "Love you too, angel."

-- THE END -

*December 2003*

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