Evening Reflections
by LH
This is second in a trilogy, sequel to Morning Thoughts and followed by Completing Bodie's Education
Another day over... and we're still alive -- just. Christ, it was a tricky one. When he jumped out from behind the car and scooted hell for leather across that field.... God, I thought that was it. Was sure Jenkins'd have him. Stupid, impulsive little sod! There're times when I could.... Can't go on like this with him any longer....
OK, OK, just keep calm, will you? He's safe. It worked out -- this time. So, how about next time? Don't even think about it....
Yeah, but I've gotta talk to him about this. Crazy fool takes too many fuckin' risks. And I can't stand it anymore.
So, why the hell is he carrying on sitting there, looking at me with that funny, quizzical expression on his face, instead of getting out of the car? Come on, Ray, go inside will you. It's late and you're making me feel uncomfortable, mate. Or haven't you noticed -- you're home, for Christ's sake.
Bloody ridiculous sitting outside his flat like this without a word to say to each other.
Christ, but he looks lousy. Takes it so much to heart... feels it so deeply. Makes me want to put my arms round him and hold him so tight... till I've taken all the hurt away.
Come on Ray, pull yourself together, will you sunshine, for my sake if not for your own. It's just another day, just another job. So you killed someone. It's no big deal. He asked for it. Him or you, sunshine. Why the hell can't you be more philosophical about it?
Oh Jesus, I want to hold him so much. He looks so weary of it all. Ray... Ray... carry on like this and you're gonna end up breaking my heart, you know that mate?
God almighty, what's he doing? What the hell has he put his arm round me for? So warm... those fingers, settling in my collar, stroking my neck....
Dear God, Ray, if you had any idea what you're doing to me....
So say something to him dummy. Can't just sit here like this. Come on Bodie, at least look at him. Yeah, well I would if I could damn well stop myself from shaking....
What's he want then? Work it out. Comfort? Reassurance? Yeah, well, after a day like today he always does need to talk it through. With that over-active imagination of his I'm amazed he keeps on coming back in to work each morning. God, what must it take for him to keep on doing the job? Willpower? Oh yeah, sheer bloody guts and determination when you're made the way he is. Got so much... admiration for him. Yeah, that's the word....
OK Bodie, so ask him what's wrong. Come on, it's not so hard. You've managed to keep control and not give anything away when he's been like this before. Why's it so much harder tonight?
Oh Christ, now he's put his head on my shoulder. His hair... warm and soft against my cheek... smells like... like heaven.
All right, so stroke his hair, will you? Settle him closer. Yeah, that's it. Just take it slow... you'll cope. See, it's not so difficult. You can hold him. You can do it. Yeah, I'd be fine if I could just bloody well stop my hands from shaking. Come on, Bodie, he needs you, damn it!
What's the matter? He does this to me and than asks a question like that? How naive can you get? What the hell does he think's the matter! Can't he see I'm drowning in his sweetness?
Oh that's a great answer, Bodie -- "Nothing." Very original.
What the hell's he... Ray, for Christ's sake. You can't get any closer, mate. Stop pressing yourself against me like this, will you. Can't take it. Can't... Oh God... sweet -- oh the sweetness of it... turning me on so much... can't help it. God, oh God, he's got his hand on me... stroking... and I'm hard as a rock already... he must know... must feel it....
Gotta pull away... let go, will you Ray? What're you trying to do to me. Still stroking... God....
Come inside with him? What the hell's he on about? Doesn't he know? He must....
Oh God, yeah, he knows. And he's still offering... he can't be. Just what is he offering? He can't mean....
I can't anyway. Can't cope. It's too much... I'll lose control... hurt him... make a bloody fool of myself... want him too much....
Those eyes -- so soft and bright and shining. Was I the one who was so convinced there was no hint of promise in his eyes the other day?
All right then, it's true. He wants me. He does. I can tell. Ray Doyle wants me. Can't be. Am I dreaming? I've imagined how it'd be so many times... in so many ways... crazy fantasies... but never like this -- never quite so sweetly. Never with this kind of tenderness. Impossible... incredible....
Just how would it feel to be gentle with a man, and with Ray at that? Too much... mindblowing....
Yeah, but even if he does want me, how does he want me? This isn't his scene. He can't want me like I want him... not for good. Can he?
Stop crying for God's sake, will you Bodie. Pull yourself together. You can't do this in front of him. You're in the car, on the street, virtually crying in public, even though it's so dark.... Yeah, but it's all too much... can't help it....
Holding me now, comforting me, arms stroking across my back, telling me he loves me... telling me everything's gonna be all right. Can he actually be saying these things to me?
Maybe he is because he's crying now too. And I can't stand that. He's only reacting to what happened today... I mean he could have died for Christ's sake... but even so... can't stand to see him cry....
Pulling my head onto his shoulder, hands on my face, cheek against mine... am I dying maybe? And, oh God, he's hard against me too... matching heat... pulsing against me. Can't be... can't be... Ray? Ray like this? Wanting me the same way I want him?
Making sure I know it now. Putting my hand on him, rubbing me against him.... Oh Ray, so hard and welcoming, and wonderful....
What's he saying? He's sorry... he can't help it. He couldn't pretend any longer? He had to do something about it. Had to tell me....
He couldn't pretend any longer? Christ, I am dreaming.... He's what? Wanted me like this for months? Incredible.... I'm both blind and stupid. He's been hiding it too? Is he just saying this for my sake? Quick, look.... Christ no. I'll swear he means it....
Don't know what I'm doing. What's he saying? We ought to go in? Yeah, well of course we ought to bloody well go in. Can't sit out here all night doing this. Why didn't I think of that? Thing is, will my legs hold up when I get out of the car? Like jelly... quivering so much....
Oh well, if he's gonna walk me inside with his arm round me I might manage after all. 'S OK, I'll be all right once we get inside. It's all those bloody tears though. Can't see where I'm damn well going. As fast as I wipe them away they're back again. And he hasn't even kissed me yet. God knows what'll happen when he does. Hysterics? Yeah, could be.... Ray won't mind though.... I know that now... he understands.... It's not every day all your dreams come true....
Christ, what a day. Nearly had it back there. And God, when it was all over and I looked at him and his face was so white and shaken... I couldn't believe it. It was all there for me to see... all the things I've never seen before... the pain and the fear and the anger... and the love.... It wasn't hidden anymore.... Never seen him look at me like that before. Never seen anyone look at me like that....
OK, so now I know... unbelievable as it is. But what do I do about it? Just carry on sitting here like a pillock minute after minute until he begins to think I've gone completely mad?
Come on Doyle, he pulled up here at least five minutes ago. Can't carry on sitting here for ever. So make a move... or forget the whole thing and go inside... one or the other. But it's up to you to do something. You know he never will.
Yeah, but I'm still trying to take it all in... it's too much... Christ, I'm so scared. Terrified of doing the wrong thing. I might have read him wrong today. If I do this I might lose him... and I'm so mixed up about what happened today anyway.... And I need him so....
I know Jenkins asked for it. He was armed... he fired at me... it was him or me. So why agonise about it? Because I do, OK? That's me, it's my nature....
God, if I could just have Bodie to hold onto, I know I wouldn't mind... gives me such a feeling of security. Bodie always makes everything all right.
Christ, this is pathetic. You're behaving like a child, Doyle... grow up, will you....
Looks like he's carved from stone sitting there, with his hands gripping the wheel, staring straight ahead through the windscreen. So tense.... And I want... need to take it away. I just want him to feel... relaxed with me. Don't want him to have anything to hide anymore. Christ, wouldn't that be something? A totally open, unselfconscious Bodie? Now that really is something to conjure with....
Looks so sad... so troubled.... Gotta risk it. You ready for this, Bodie? You'll probably strangle me, mate....
OK, I'll put my arm round him. Right. So far, so good, except he looks more than a bit startled... swallowing hard too. But at least he's not shaking me off. Face is unreadable though. Can't tell if he minds or not....
Breathing hard. Yeah, well, that makes two of us. Not said anything yet though. So how would it be if I just... oh yeah... God but he's trembling though.... Oh, don't make me stop, Bodie. I don't want to embarrass you mate, but let me... please....
Skin's so incredibly soft... satiny, even here on his cheek... no roughness at all... not to speak of....
Shifting a bit in his seat. Away from me? No, don't think so. Just embarrassed? Christ, I'd no idea he was so scared. Bodie scared? Of me? Of anything? Oh, love....
Would he let me move closer I wonder? If I could just put my arms round his waist... feel his arms round me....
Christ, this is some risk you're taking Doyle... in the car, out on the street like this. Yeah, but if I wait till we get inside, I'll lose my nerve... never get round to it.
At least he's not pushing me away. Could it be that hard, self- sufficient Bodie likes to cuddle too? Never imagines he'd allow himself to enjoy this kind of loving. Thought he'd find it soppy. No... I was wrong... he's definitely cuddling me... wonderful... you're wonderful, Bodie.
Oh, that feels so good... those incredibly gentle hands in my hair... the warmth of him....
God, he's shaking so much though. Maybe I should pull away....
What do you mean, Bodie? Nothing's the matter? Who're you trying to kid? Oh so vulnerable... another surprise.
Gotta be closer. Want to feel him against me... oh, so close now.
What am I doing? What the hell does he think I'm doing? Worth the risk. I wasn't wrong. Turned on... he's turned on... and so incredibly hard against me. Oh Bodie... oh, you do want me, mate, don't you? You do... oh Bodie... feels so beautiful....
And I thought I was longing for something I couldn't ever have... thought I had him as close as he was ever gonna be....
Christ, don't start crying. That's the last thing he needs right now. Control yourself....
Sorry? What's he sorry for? No, don't pull away. Don't be embarrassed. I want it too. See? I want it. Look, I'll show you....
God he's strung out like a bow... so tense... jumping at every touch....
Oh, that's good. Much better. He reckons I might want him after all. Glad he's realised that.
Christ, but he's hard, throbbing against me... so achingly sweet. Could do this all night. Carry on stroking him and stroking him... making it good for him... making him relax with me... making him come.... Oh, if I could only do it right here and now....
Bodie, Bodie... don't cry... don't... never seen him cry before. No, no, he mustn't... don't want him to.
Christ, pull yourself together will you. We're in the car for God's sake. But I can't believe it... he's so close... he's almost there... just from this? Oh Bodie, Bodie....
Can't stop crying... ridiculous. Want to kiss him. Can't here. Gotta get him inside. Can love him properly then. He's still so unsure though.... There, Bodie... feel it... does that help? Same as you, love... just the same. Now do you believe me? Oh, maybe, he says, with that disdainful look on his face. I love that look... so sexy. Still trembling though.
What's that? He wants me too? He's always wanted me? I should damn well think so too. Doesn't he know how special we are together? with or without this? Thing is if we don't stop doing it like this in the car soon, we're not gonna be able to stop. Now there's a thought. Wonder if he's ever done it in a car before? Must have done. Hasn't everyone?
Oh well, at least he's agreeing with me. Knows we ought to go inside. All we've got to do now is get up to the flat in one piece and keep the mood, and we're home and dry.
God knows what it'll be like when we finally get to kiss each other though. Gotta get him not to cry anymore first.
Oh, I dunno though. Maybe a few kisses'd help with that. It's not as if I'm completely dry-eyed either.... And I reckon we're entitled to have a bit of a weep about it -- CI5 operatives or not.... It's not every day you find this kind of love....
-- THE END --