This is first in a trilogy, followed by Evening Reflections and Completing Bodie's Education


God, just look at him sitting there. The way he looks. Christ, the way he looks. Course he knows how gorgeous he is. Wouldn't flaunt it so much otherwise... even with me sometimes... unconsciously... driving me crazy with wanting him. And he doesn't even realise it. Gets me so I don't even want to go out looking for girls, let alone go to bed with them... makes me want to give up completely on the whole crazy fiasco and come right out and tell him....

Looks like the leprechaun he is today... quick and sharp and thinking hard about the job, eyes darting everywhere, brain starting to tick over... which is what I should be doing, instead of....

Love the way he looks first thing in the morning -- bit bruised and fragile round the eyes before he's properly awake. Yeah, mornings are best... special somehow... before the job takes over completely....

Christ, Bodie, keep your eyes on the road. Don't think about how close he is. Don't think about how you wake up every morning waiting for the moment he gets in the car and you know you've got however long it takes to get to wherever it is we're going with him sitting less than two feet away. So close I can smell him... so close his shoulder sometimes brushes mine when I change gear, and his leg's only inches away and I can feel the heat from his thigh against my hand....

Love how he sits. Sort of drapes himself in the seat. Alert, but relaxed at the same time. And the way he holds onto the dashboard when I take the corners too fast.

Crazy... crazy I can still get like this about anyone. Like a lovesick kid. How long have I had this... adolescent crush on him, for want of a better word? It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. Good old honest, straight as a die Ray Doyle, who's never had a lecherous thought about another man the whole of his life....

Oh yeah, that's for sure. I'd know if there was anything there besides friendship. There've been too many in the past for me not to recognise that certain spark's missing from Ray's eyes. Oh, he'll joke and tease, going along with the old camp routine, but that's only for fun. He doesn't mean it. The fact he can fool around like that shows he's secure enough sexually not to feel threatened by it....

But that's how it should be. Wouldn't want it any other way. If the look was there, I swear to God I couldn't cope anyway. Scares me to death... so intense. Rather have that gaze stay as it is right now -- clear and bright and untroubled. Never known anyone who looks you straight in the eye the way Ray does... unnerving. And when you've been around as much as I have you know... no chance, not with Ray. I've always known with the others, and used the power, toyed with them, played with them... enjoyed it too. Nothing to be proud of....

Wouldn't want that with Ray anyway. If I knew he wanted it too it'd take part of the pleasure away. Make it too easy. He's the impossible dream... keep it that way. And even if he agreed he'd tire of it quickly. It'd only be a fleeting thing with him. He'd only do it out of friendship... curiousity maybe... devilment....

No way... keep the ideal, and don't get disappointed. Not that I could be with Ray. Sometimes think I'd sell my soul for one kiss... one fleeting stroke under his shirt... one detailed fingertip tracing of that endearing cheekbone....

As for what lurks underneath those tight jeans... Christ, when he sits with his legs comfortably apart like now, it's enough to make me...

Got his white wooly jacket on today. Wish he wouldn't wear it.... It's too much... makes him look like a furry teddybear. Washed his hair this morning too. Can smell the freshness of it....

Is there anything about him that doesn't turn me on? I even get a kick out of that fiery temper of his... and that vicious streak he lets loose from time to time when he's out for revenge....

Come on, come on... pull yourself together. We're almost there.

Christ Ray, if you only knew... well he does know... or he's guessed most of it... he knows I've fucked a few men in my time... out of necessity... curiousity... attraction... yeah, well a couple of times... but he's the only man I've ever truly wanted to make love to.

Hate it when we've arrived. That moment when I switch the engine off, breaking the spell. The sense of loss....

Gotta concentrate for Christ's sake. Make sure he doesn't take any unnecessary risks today....

Fear's taking over... can't keep him safe with me any longer. Hate it when he opens the door and slides out of the car, away from me....

What the hell... there's always tomorrow morning... only 23 hours away....

---

Love the way he drives. Like the car's an extension of himself... perfectly attuned to it. Don't like being a passenger with anyone else, but it's OK with Bodie. Best driver I've ever come across. With anyone else I get uptight, always want to take over, but not with him....

Like him to drive in the mornings. I can sit back and watch him without him knowing. About the only time I can watch him freely... so much on his guard the rest of the time.

Always seems to have a lot running through his mind when he's driving and we're not under pressure to get anywhere fast. Course, his face never gives much away, but sometimes, whatever he's thinking suddenly makes him smile or frown or sigh. Sometimes there's even a fleeting look of anger on his face.

That profile.... He must know how good looking he is. Wouldn't be so bloody arrogant with the girls otherwise. Like something out of an old Hollywood movie. Chiselled... almost perfect.

The nose... love the way it turns up at the end, and that grim, determined set to his mouth. The way his hands are so firm and capable on the wheel, yet gentle somehow too... coaxing, not forcing. Is that what he's like in bed? Must be. No wonder he has more girls than he knows what to do with.

Sitting side-on like this I can see those incredible eyelashes. I've known many a girl who'd sell her soul for eyelashes like that... not to mention the eyes.

Christ, he'd have a fit if he knew what I think about when I'm in the car with him. If I ever dared tell him how good he makes me feel.

Soft, soppy rubbish. He'd laugh so hard he'd rupture himself. Never admit to a weakness with Bodie and have him use it against you. Can't show any open affection. He'd run a mile. The jokes... yeah, he'll take that... but nothing else.

Looks good today... very smart. New cords... and I can smell the leather of his jacket. Love the way it wrinkles against his shoulders when he turns the wheel.

Christ, his skin is so smooth. Not a single flaw... pale though. Dark under his eyes. Late night? Yeah, which one was it this time? Maggie... or whatsername... Sue? Can't remember. Can't keep track of them all.

Just don't ask, OK, and remember never to ask. He'll tell you if he wants to, and if he doesn't volunteer... don't push it... that's prying as far as Bodie's concerned. But gotta keep him close... as close as he's ever gonna be. Fought too hard to get as far as I have to risk losing any of it. God, if I could only have more....

You can't, OK -- Shouldn't feel like this about another man... haven't since school, when I was 12 and got a crush on that teacher... what was his name? Davies? Yeah, Davies... crazy... scary... another man? Even Bodie? How's that for your ongoing macho image, Doyle?

Gotta sort it out, get it straight in my mind. Can't expect more than I've already got. He's scared to death of any kind of commitment. Christ, I wish I didn't have this awful longing to be closer to him. Eats me up inside....

That was a close one. What's wrong, Bodie? Must have been a rough night. Took that corner so sharp we were nearly up on the kerb. Something on his mind? Don't tell me... Maggie or Sue... or any one of a dozen others....

Never gets involved does Bodie. Not to my knowledge. Almost contemptuous of some of the girls he knows. As if when they fall for him, and he knows they will, he loses interest.

For God's sake, stop thinking like this... only get depressed, starting to want things I can't have.

OK, we're almost there. So what's on the agenda for today? Think we're both gonna survive it, Bodie? You never can tell. One thing's for sure, wouldn't want to survive anything without you, sunshine.

Every morning could be the last. Is that why I savour them so much?

Come on... control this... time to put him out of my mind... for now... if I can. How many minutes of each day do I spend not thinking about him? There's a thought....

Car's stopped. Hate it when the engine stops and the magic of being in the car together's over. Like our own private world with everyone and everything else shut out... for a few minutes anyway....

There's always tomorrow though. Yeah... but it's such a long time to wait. Tomorrow's such a long way off....

-- THE END --